Booked a few days away and DH sulking because of DSC

[SomeSortOfName]

Was with a friend yesterday and we have talked loads before about booking a few days away with our toddlers to Disney Paris.

Talking about it again yesterday and decided to book it as we found a good deal. It's only 2 nights and is during term time 2023.

Told DH when I got home and he's sulking because DSC have never been and it's unfair and I should have spoken with him so we could have arranged to go together.

AIBU to think this is so ridiculous.

Firstly, there is a massive age gap between DC and DSC so would be an entirely different trip.

Secondly, it's a couple of days in a year's time, I didn't think I needed his permission or that he'd even care. I paid with my own money.

Thirdly, he's never expressed any desire to go and we still can if he's that bothered, there's no rule to say you can only go once in your life.

Everything has to be poor DSC, it drives me mad.

If it had been any other trip, e.g. girls weekend away, spa day, trip to see grandparents, you'd have mentioned it to him beforehand. Even if he wasn't going, even if you paid for it yourself, as you have done here.

The fact you've not conceded that perhaps you could have mentioned it beforehand suggests your resentment of the way your DH sidelines your joint DC in favour of his DC is strongly present.

If you haven't ever spoken to your DH about these feelings, or worked together with him to change things, the relationship won't last. I've been there, and couldn't bear seeing my DC being treated as second class citizens to the golden non-resident DC, so left.

The way to confront these feelings it is not to pretend you forgot your DH existed in the excitement of booking a 2 day trip taking place in a years time, but to acknowledge that partners would ordinarily discuss everyday things with each other, and go from there.

It’s a tricky one, I have a SD and have always included her in trips etc but she is 18 now and my DD is 13 and even though SD is working etc I STILL have to run things by her and if she can’t come because she is working or with the BF or anything else then she gets the hump.

Even small things - I was out with DD the other day and my friend called to say pop in and see her puppies and SD was not happy! I did say I knew she was working but she expected me to go when she could make it - so I’m not sure if Iv made my bed as I always included her which means that il never be able to do anything without her being there or express permission.

summer holidays are a nightmare as she is busy and sometimes I just want to do something with DD (even just pop to a shopping centre etc) but if i do there is fall out!

should mention - SD has a mum who takes her out etc so isn’t without a nice home life too!

OP @SomeSortOfName YANBU but this is just the start sadly

Then why not say that in your original post rather than saying they’ve categorically “never been”? This just looks like convenient backtracking to bolster your argument, even if that’s not the case.

I think it’s fine for you to take your toddler with a friend. But I agree with others it’s wrong not to have discussed it with your DH. Just because your DH doesn’t like the idea of Disney doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want to go with his kid(s) and you.

You do what you feel is best for your DC. You can't live your life worrying about not doing stiff because DSC may feel a certain way about it. You can all go again another time. This is a girlie trip with your two young kids from what I understand . It wasn't planned as a family holiday. You can't stop days away with your friends because of DSC. They've been anyway!

I kind of think it would have been nice to offer all the kids.my SD is 18 and lives with her bf. We always offer them to go to things.

If it's so fucking important to your husband that your stepchild go to Disney, why hasn't he arranged it? Oh, that's right, that's the woman's job.

This!!

If he really wants to go he can book it. I did exactly the same as you years ago, and my DH didn’t say anything. the SC didn’t care.

Everything has to be poor DSC, it drives me mad.

Some people are saints cut out for step-parenthood.

Some people are not.

I am categorically in the latter camp. I suspect you are too, OP.

They’ve got their own mother who does things with them as well.

You’re fine OP, there’s nothing wrong with your plan.

Its not a bad thing that your DH is feeling bad about his older children. He’d be a shitty father not to consider them at all. But as he’s not going and the older ones have been with their Mum too, he doesn’t really have anything to be upset about.

Tell him you’d be happy for him to start saving so that you can all go to Disney World together.

Op & dh have obviously discussed Disney in the past & he has clearly expressed NO interest in going. Op & her friend have also discussed Disney many times & finally took the plunge having spotted a good deal.
So - majority on here think op needs to run a much discussed trip that her dh has expressed NO interest in by him in order to make him feel good about himself????
Ffs - it's 2022, not 1922.
If the man has clearly stated in the past that he wanted to go to Disney at some point you might all have a point OR if op was planning a 2 week holiday that would impact him - but it's the total opposite & it's only 2 nights!!
@SomeSortOfName he's being ridiculous.

Just because your DH doesn’t like the idea of Disney doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want to go with his kid(s) and you

Then he can arrange to go... As I've said there is nothing to stop us also all going together or is there some rule where you're only allowed to visit DL once in your life?

Tell him that, then.

Problem solved.

Well exactly. Why's it only a big deal now I've booked to go? He's got a working brain and a pair of hands he could have used to book a trip there himself if he'd wanted to go.

I strongly suspect he still won't now either. He just wants me to feel guilty about doing so.

There's absolutely nothing to stop us also going with DSC if he wants to do that. But I'm not going out of my way to arrange it all.

I also wonder what hold the Disney Corporation have over families that a trip to Disney seems to be the ultimate display of how much you love your children?!

Suggest to him that he takes the stepchildren away on his own too at some point. Your entitles to have a trip with your own little one but be kind to him too.

I would but I think he should also be open to reciprocating that and going away with our DC but I know he'd never do that if it didn't include DSC

Suggest to him that he takes the stepchildren away on his own too at some point. Your entitles to have a trip with your own little one but be kind to him too.
Seriously?????
He's not a fractious toddler that needs placating & minding! He's a grown man who should be more than capable of sorting out how he spends his time!
When are women going stop infantilising & 'managing' men?

Of course there isn’t such a rule. But going for the first time is special.

Anyway as I said, I think your plan is fine. But I do think not discussing it with him before booking is inconsiderate. I’d never do that with DH or vv when it includes our DC. Not because the other might veto - THAT would possibly be unreasonable - but because it’s a courtesy when you live together.

I agree with the be kind, but why should OP going away mean he needs to take the step children away on his own?

He shouldn’t be going on any family trips without all his children.

I really dislike the way it feels like you should be in shackles just because you’re in a relationship with a man with children. Fuck that. Can’t go away for two nights with your friend and your very young children because HE has older children. That is very controlling behaviour and he should take in to consideration that you shouldn’t have to juggle two different age groups when you’re only mum to one of them.
I bet he doesn’t pull his face when the mother of his older children books a couple of days away for her and their shared children.

I hope you don’t cancel it.

Is he classic Disney dad? He has no ideas of his own, no desire to make plans of his own, but expects you to include his children in everything you do?

why can he not arrange a holiday for his dc?

i wouldn't get pulled into an argument. Each time he raises it just excitedly tell him to book another week for all the family.

btw, how much actual parenting does he do of his dc? Not weekend stuff? Day-to-day parenting, doctors, hairdressers, dentist, school admin, driving about, facilitating clubs?

Oh here we go again poor DSC. I go with my friends and my toddler and I don’t discuss it with my DH first as I’m an adult and I can do as I please! Not everything revolves around dsc. When dsc go places with there mum does your husband tell her they can’t go because your toddler can’t go!

Go and have a fabulous time. I’ve just got back two weeks ago and it’s amazing! My toddler absolutely loved it!

but why should OP going away mean he needs to take the step children away on his own?

This as well. Someone ALWAYS come out with this when a stepmum does something alone with her children. It’s such a spit out dummy comment to make. They think the dad then owes the older kids something to make up for it. Make up for what exactly?
What he will actually be doing is opening a can of worms because seeing as he is father to all of them, he will then owe his younger children something if he takes his older children somewhere. 🤷🏼‍♀️