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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Refusing to have DSC

672 replies

Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:09

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 25/07/2022 16:17

If the mum has refused he needs to arrange his own child care for them. If he can't do that and they can't be left then he can't work those hours.

I don't blame you for refusing at all, it's his contact and his issues to resolve.

Original poster
Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:19

If he refused and loses his job will she then complain when he can't pay maintenance? He's trying to find another job, this isn't permanent, there's absolutely no give on her side at all and we have done SO many favours for her in the past when she's wanted to go on holiday and things like that.

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 25/07/2022 16:21

I don't blame you for being frustrated but surely at 11 and 13 there really isn't much you need to actually do for them and they should be able to help you out.

11Hawkins · 25/07/2022 16:21

YANBU. If they were together she'd have to look after them, it's not like he's refusing he's still offering to pay for childcare etc which they'd be in if he had them anyway!

Original poster
Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:22

Dartmoorcheffy · 25/07/2022 16:21

I don't blame you for being frustrated but surely at 11 and 13 there really isn't much you need to actually do for them and they should be able to help you out.

Then there isn't much their mum needs to do either.

OP posts:
whereamu · 25/07/2022 16:24

Those poor kids.
They must feel unwelcome in both houses.

lunar1 · 25/07/2022 16:25

You can't force her to be reasonable.

He needs to sort child care out for while he can't look after them on his time, that's what thousands of working parents have to do every day.

Perple · 25/07/2022 16:25

Many many many women have significantly reduced financial circumstances because their employment is compromised because of child care needs.

this is your husbands problem not his ex wifes. It is not her job to facilitate his employment needs.

fastandthecurious1 · 25/07/2022 16:25

I sympathise... how long is his work situation going to continue like this for? I think it it's short term he needs to be former with their mum and lay out what he can do if she refuses any help then the situation won't change as he won't be at home to have them so they will be with her anyway for the short term

If it's long term he needs to speak to work really as it's not working for his family life and he's unable to keep burning at both ends.

I also refused to look after my pre teen / teen 2 SC in the holidays unless dad was present as it wasn't my responsibility to sort the holiday childcare.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2022 16:26

I agree with you 100% so stand firm. I would absolutely refuse.

fastandthecurious1 · 25/07/2022 16:26

Or yea just take the kids on the planned days as normal and put them into clubs so it's not affecting anyone however I know this can be expensive

MobLife · 25/07/2022 16:27

What conversations has your DH had with his employer regarding his childcare responsibilities?

Perple · 25/07/2022 16:27

And I do feel very very sorry for the children - all three adults in their lives are putting their own needs before the children. No one is putting the children needs first - and that includes your husband. And I see you.

Louise0701 · 25/07/2022 16:27

What childcare if he offering to pay for that would have them when he works nights? Your husband IBU. He agreed to have his children 50:50 this isn’t yours or their mums problem. He needs to sort it. The children didn’t ask for his work to be short staffed.

Perple · 25/07/2022 16:27

oh don’t know where I see you came from! That sounds terribly aggressive and weird and not intended!

Original poster
Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:28

this is your husbands problem not his ex wifes. It is not her job to facilitate his employment needs.

I don't necessarily disagree but there is only so much he can actually do. He has suggested multiple things and she refuses all of them. Imo they both have a duty of care to DC no matter the day. If he's not here and she's refusing all other options then what? He can refuse to go to work and lose his job and then she'll be crying about losing maintenance which he doesn't even technically need to pay with 50:50 but does over and above.

Her answer just seems to be well "nights is at home so..." Yes I am but you're their mum and dad not me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:29

fastandthecurious1 · 25/07/2022 16:26

Or yea just take the kids on the planned days as normal and put them into clubs so it's not affecting anyone however I know this can be expensive

They'd still be with me overnight and my responsibility to run to and from clubs during the day etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:30

I sympathise... how long is his work situation going to continue like this for? I think it it's short term he needs to be former with their mum and lay out what he can do if she refuses any help then the situation won't change as he won't be at home to have them so they will be with her anyway for the short term

Hopefully short term and he is also looking at other jobs asap.

OP posts:
StopFeckingFaffing · 25/07/2022 16:31

It is your DH's job to find a solution by negotiating with his ex, you and any other persons who may be able to help (eg. grandparents)

I don't blame you for taking the stance you have taken and agree that it sounds like his ex is being unreasonable for the sake of it but if your DH agreed to the contact arrangement then it's his problem to solve

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 25/07/2022 16:31

Why is he paying maintenance if it’s 50/50?

I agree it’s not your problem but it’s not her job either to facilitate her ex’s job anymore. This is your DH’s problem to solve

BigMamaFratelli · 25/07/2022 16:31

Sorry, but I don't think the mum is being unreasonable. I also think you're right to refuse to have them- It's your DHs problem to sort.

I also have dsc and if it was only temporary I think I'd just suck it up and deal with it. But I don't think you're wrong for refusing.

Original poster
Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:32

He needs to sort child care out for while he can't look after them on his time, that's what thousands of working parents have to do every day

What childcare is he supposed to sort for overnight? He's offered to sort childcare during the day but we can't really do much overnight. Their mum is at home, he isn't. I'm not sure what sort of mother would rather her kids be in some none existent overnight childcare than at home with her.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 25/07/2022 16:32

I think you're being totally reasonable. They have two parents of their own and you already sound stretched. However unreasonable she is being, your husband needs to find cover from somewhere, not just delegate his responsibility to another woman. He'll need to pay and organise alternative childcare.

Original poster
Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:33

I just hope he refuses to help any time she wants to go out/on holiday/ work overtime on her time with DSC which has been plenty over the years. She's take take take all the time but never returns it at all the other way around.

OP posts:
Tessasanderson · 25/07/2022 16:35

Money talks. I expect your husband is earning quite a lot from the extra shifts. Treat it as a business transaction.

He pays his ex wife X per month. Offer her 5 times X for this time she is needed. Plus offer to have them with you when things calm down to cover the extra. Suggest she goes on holiday with the extra cash.

She may be seeing this as you and your husband making mega bucks out of working extra and she gets left with a few pennies in return. Give her much much more than she expects.