Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

I feel sorry for all the children stuck in this scenario

and I feel sorry for the ex coming under pressure

and that’s it

I'm happy for DH to sort it. But it's not including me, which is what their mother wants.

And if he couldn't do it for a short term job issue you'd rather your kid go to an overnight nanny so you can have a sex life? It's not permanent, he's trying to sort it out, it's short term help for her own kids.

It wouldn’t be her sending the children to an overnight nanny though, it would be their Dad doing that. He isn’t in a position to say he can’t do it. He has to do it, because that’s when he’s responsible for providing care for his children. If his wife and own side of the family can’t help him then his choices are to find care elsewhere or not go to work on those days.

You can refuse to care for them (though I think that would be odd, given that you live there and your children are their siblings) but you can't reasonably refuse to have them there. That's what 50/50 custody means - they live there 50% of the time. If you really can't stomach it then you should probably split up.

It is your husband's issue to solve. He must have agreed 50/50 shared care at some point, so he needs to figure out how to make his time work.

If you go to stay with your parents so that you have some parenting support, your husband will have to have overnight care in place, e.g. a nanny. He may have to stop paying excess maintenance to be able to cover this cost.

Because this is about helping him out.
This is your husband's problem to solve.

She doesn't have to help him out.

He's your DH you might want to help him out, or you might justifiably decline.

But it's his issue, not hers.

Many mothers have to make really difficult decisions about working and talking to their employers to facilitate their childcare. I'm frankly bored shitless of fathers who leave all this for women to solve.

THIS. Never ceases to amaze me. A woman works in a shift based job, often low paid and if there's an emergency childcare issue, SHE must drop it because it's low paid, shift work. A man works in a shift based job and there's emergency childcare and he absolutely CANNOT POSSIBLY NOT WORK because he would be letting the team down/his boss won't let him etc etc.

OP, your DH needs to sort this and it is not the ex's issue. Personally, I don't see why you are completely unwilling to help at all, but I don't blame you for not wanting sole care of them 50% of the time. Surely he can sort out a holiday camp for them and arrange for them to be dropped off/collected (or do it himself as I assume he's not working 24/7?). Similarly, if things are so crazy for the two of you, even without DSC, then you need to think of ways to make life easier - get meal kits/takeouts/ready meals or get a mothers help to help you in the mornings/evenings, up your cleaner's hours etc?

Sorry confused what do you mean? What your dh arranges in his 50 is entirely his prerogative

What options has your husband looked at? Could his parents help? Could the children stay with friends? Its his responsibility to sort out.

Your husband needs to work this out, reasonably you would help as married couples should support each other. When they are due to be with him it is completely his responsibility. This is not on the ex to sort. You and your joint children also benefit from him staying in a job so it would be sensible to pull together and help out to get through it.

So in essence, neither your dh or his ex can only come up with a solution that involves you op.
I actually wish I’d had your courage when my dc were little and I had dsc and dh was working. I’d have been less frazzled.

I agree with going to your parents- both need to understand that dsc aren’t your responsibility. It all sounds very demanding. Does your dh step up with your dc or just throw money at the problem because an awful lot is being put on you.

Have you considered an au pair? Appreciate not as easy with Brexit but seems like there are 4 children which is high workload for a working mum.

If it's 50/50 there will be days when you are not needed. What's the rota? One week on/off?

Why can’t you just look after the children and get your husband to tell him ex that going forward there will be no accommodation made if she needs to change childcare arrangements@?

You can refuse to care for them (though I think that would be odd, given that you live there and your children are their siblings) but you can't reasonably refuse to have them there

Obviously I can refuse to have them here. They can't be here unless there is someone here to care for them, same with any child. If there isn't then they can't be here. My children can't just be in my house whenever because they live there. They require care and so can't be in the house if it's not available.

They're your family too so I don't know why you don't just have them as normal. They must feel really unwanted.

Come on Op, don’t be so silly.

What kind of mother doesn't want to spend more time with her children? Poor kids, knowing their mother doesn't want them with her.

Agree with stop maintenance altogether. And no more favours.

It depends does she also do shift work ? She might not get in until 8pm at night.

But for the 50% of time your dh is responsible for them that is their only home. Not just your home.

No. She works from home 3 days a week.

Sorry this is not their mum's problem. It's not your problem either. It's your DH's problem. If he doesn't have childcare, he can't work and he'll have to do what many working mums do and let his employer down. If he wants to work, he'll have to pay for childcare - an overnight nanny would probably provide the sort of care he needs for his DC. Why can't he get on the phone and book someone to stay overnight with his children, if you don't want to do it?

If he has them 50% of the time then no childcare is payable at all . Perhaps then it's in her interests to have them more than 50% ? Maybe that could be pointed out otherwise payments will stop.

"You will not have anything to pay through the Child Maintenance Service if you are:
sharing care equally with the other parent"

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

You became a family?... You're not treating them as family.

I get that. But the still require someone in it to care for them if there isn't then they can't be there can they. My husband isn't here and it's not my responsibility so yes I can refuse.

Why can't your DH book an emergency nanny for them?