Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

And if he couldn't do it for a short term job issue you'd rather your kid go to an overnight nanny so you can have a sex life? It's not permanent, he's trying to sort it out, it's short term help for her own kids.

I really don't understand you, OP.
This is your husband's time with kids - his ex is entitled to not agree to look after them.
The question is are you willing to support your DH? If not, that is your choice, but you have no right to blame his ex for her choice.
The reason people are asking you how much care 11 and 13 year old require is to find a solution for you to help your husband. Instead you are saying, why can't their mum do it, what kind of mother she is? Well, this is his time, so if he chooses to work, I can ask what kind of father he is?
You keep blaming her for being bad mother, but hey you can't blame her - blame your husband for being busy in his time with his kids and if you think he has a good reason for that offer your help. It is quite entitled of you to blame only their mother.

A night nanny for two older kids (11/13) while the SM is in the house, that's going to be a comfortable arrangement isn't it!

He needs to stop doing nights

As a matter of interest, does your husband blame his ex too? What does he think of your refusal to help him?

Pay for housekeeper/ cook/ childminder - whatever you need to get by.

Why are you obsessing over the mum when he can arrange child care in his own home? He has options.

I suppose your DH should just do what he would do if you weren't around. Which is probably pay for overnight babysitter.

It might feel a bit weird having someone staying in your home looking after DSC while you're there but if you don't want to do it then I'm not sure what else to suggest.

It's not the mum's problem to solve.

I'm torn over this.

You married and had kids with a man who had his older children 50/50.

Are they not 'children of the family'?

He presumably held out to have his kids 50/50 rather than the more usual EOW etc.

You aren't really treating them as step children within a blended family, but his children who sometimes live in your house.

I get that it is stressful atm, and also that the Ex is not co-operative or constructive. And also that your DH seems not to be doing any parenting / childcare of your own kids.

Any possibility of them going to his parents / their grandparents?

Get childcare for the time needed to collect them / drop them off at holiday clubs?

If the arrangement is 50/50, then they need to be at their father's home 50/50. If you're not prepared to care for them - and that's your right - then he needs to pay for alternative childcare for them when it's his time, or change his working arrangements.

Your husband's work issues are not his ex's problem to solve, and his children aren't an optional extra. I think you would be completely unreasonable to say that they can't come - that's their home as much as it's yours or your children's - but if you refuse to care for them, he'll have to pay a nanny who will. He's their dad, not a random uncle - he has joint custody, he can't just opt in and out.

I still agree with this. Presumably your dh has 50/50 because he fought for it. If he has responsibility of his children then he should have refused the extra shifts on this basis, it isn't for the women in his life to pick up the slack.

Is the mum saying no as the dad is saying he’ll give more money but expects the ex to sort out what they are going to do. Maybe she feels he should sort it out himself rather than her doing his life admin for him. I also get it’s not your role to step in but that is between you and your DH

I get why you are frustrated but it is his responsibility to sort childcare on his time and not the mum. It would be nice if she stepped in but she doesn't have to. She might have plans but actually it doesn't matter if she does or not.

I do agree though, she can't expect flexibility in return so the same applies to her.

In reality, in your position I would have them. It's really not that much extra work, it's not like they need lots of care. Your husband can book taxis for clubs etc so you don't have to do it.

I get they’re not your responsibility but surely all you need to do is pick them up and feed them and they’ll look after themselves.
He can sort them out in the mornings.

It’s annoying she’s not budging but it’s not her problem that he’s short staffed.

I don’t think you should have to take on the responsibility but it’s either that or DH quits his job.

If you are in law and DH also has a decent job then why not speak to DH about getting a nanny or babysitter - someone who is able to pick them up from school and maybe even come and make their dinner for them so they’re still at their dads but you’re not having to do anything.

@Nights11

How many weeks/blocks if his 59% do you expect this to be for?

OP
Definitely go to your parents with your children, and tell your husband and his ex that it's for an indefinite period of time.

Why did you marry a man with joint custody then? Not saying it should all fall to you and be your responsibility. But you sound resentful of them.

I don't really understand why you are blaming her but then I also don't get why she gets a say in what you and your DH do with the kids when they're with you. So, absolutely, they're with you and your DH but you can't look after them by day so your DH will put them in childcare, absolutely. What is he doing during the day? You say he leaves as you arrive with your DC so surely he collects his DC from childcare and then they are home - so you don't have to do anything. Ideally, he also prepares a meal for them (and for you) before he leaves.

Similarly, in the morning, ideally he's back and takes them to their childcare. At a push, he pays for a cab o something to collect them or pulls in favours with friends.

His ex has every right to expect HIM to sort it out. And I think you are being unnecessarily unkind in refusing to even have them overnight and then to leave the day arrangements to him.

What the heck is dripping your dh from arranging childcare or camps?

This

50% obviously.

All your ire is wrongly directed at their mother.

Their arrangement is 50/50 so it is entirely up to her if she wants to stick to this.

It is their father who would be 'choosing to leave his children in overnight childcare' not their mother. (Or however you phrased it).

Many mothers have to make really difficult decisions about working and talking to their employers to facilitate their childcare. I'm frankly bored shitless of fathers who leave all this for women to solve.

You do not have to sort their childcare, no. But their father does.

And, child maintenance is often payable at 50/50 if there is a disparity of incomes or spousal maintenance if one party took a salary hit due to caring for children.

The ex is doing absolutely nothing wrong in the slightest. Nothing

Your husband could arrange for the DC to stay with their friends.

Why did you marry a man with joint custody then?

So because I married him I should expect to look after them 50% by myself? Erm no. I married him knowing HE had 50% custody. That doesn't extend to me when he's not available.