Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

He'll need to arrange transport for them to and from clubs.
And if you won't have them, he'll need to find overnight care for them.

Is there a summer camp anywhere near?

Yes he really does need to do this. Co parenting only works well when both parties are reasonable and flexible. It has to work both ways. She needs a taste of it to see that it's not going to work in her favour.

I just know if she was called into work like this there is no way my husband would refuse to have DSC even outside of his time if he was there and able. No way on earth would he rather see them in childcare or with their mum's partner when he was at home. And he'd be called all the names under the sun if he did refuse I'm sure.

He's offered her more! She doesn't want it she just wants her time.

And if you won't have them, he'll need to find overnight care for them.

I honestly don't know what sort of mother would rather their kids be in overnight childcare then at home with them. Can't wrap my head around that tbh.

No, i dont mean covering a little extra time. I mean a few thousand more, enough to cover a holiday for her. If he is working extra then he is earning. He needs to weigh up how important it is to ensure his problem is worth to fob off onto his ex.

Nonetheless OP, that's the mother she is. Your partner will need to look into night nannies. Just play the game the way she wants it...she'll soon realise it doesn't work for her.

Focus on the things within your control, there is no point trying to understand a person who you don't know first hand. You also have absolutely no idea what she has planned in this time.

Your husband can organise an overnight childminder, and someone for in the day to either look after them or take them to clubs.

He's a parent, he can't just decide it's not his problem.

I think you need to drop into the conversation that actually if you are having them to make up to the 50:50 then maintenance stops.

Any grandparents they could stay with? PGL holidays?

You’re right. And I feel for you. He needs a plan if she flat out refuses to have them. Normally I’d say disengage like mad and don’t get involved but if you don’t make sure something’s in place you risk being the default childcare.

If she really won’t budge he needs to stop paying her anything, he’s doing her a massive favour at the moment by giving her money he doesn’t need to, plus has them to help her out, so if flexibility doesn’t work both ways the gravy train has to come to an end. She can’t have it all even if she wants to!

Sounds like it’s already 50/50 plus he has them extra and shouldn’t be paying her a penny as it is.

If she keeps having them less than half the time he should apply for maintenance from her.

@Nights11 why is she not entitled to her time? Your husband gets his time away from his children.

Honestly I'd go with this. We bent over backwards facilitating the ex wife over here and it never was reciprocated so we stopped. She learned the hard way the next time she needed him to switch the days to suit her and it was a flat out no. We always agree to have the DSC extra time but not to switch our time if that makes sense.

I'd also stop maintenance as she's not helping him with his work that allows him to earn a wage. At 13 and 11 I'd have them (as he's obligated to do) and let them stay home and entertain themselves.

Honestly, do you fancy a holiday? I’d just bugger off somewhere with my kids and not be there to be used as other people’s
childcare.

why is it the OP’s job to give her ‘time off’?

Tell him to stop paying the maintenance she isn't legally entitled to and start paying for you guys to have either a housekeeper or nanny instead.

She's got 2 kids on her own, she wants her time off from them. She should have it. It's your dh's problem, not hers.

If you don't want to accommodate her requests in the future then don't.

At 11&13 yabu it's 50/50 so yes he needs to arrange childcare but how much work are they really? Just let them chill, play games etc then off to bed.

If you choose to marry a man with children there are sacrifices. I'm sat here with dp's dd currently (she's lovely) if she was 5 years younger no way would I refuse to have her here because he is at work

It’s not up to you to judge ‘what sort of mother’ she is. She has a 50/50 parenting arrangement and wants her co parent to stick to his side of the responsibility, that’s all.

If your DH can’t find childcare for the time that he’s responsible, he won’t be able to go to work. It’s that simple. Your opinion on her parenting choices is irrelevant, and so is the fact that he’s done her favours in the past.

How old are your children?

At 11&13 yabu it's 50/50 so yes he needs to arrange childcare but how much work are they really? Just let them chill, play games etc then off to bed.

Then their mum won't have a problem will she?

I agree with others, if she wants to be like this he should refuse anything in the future and stop paying over the odds in maintenance too. She'll soon realise.

I think I'll take PPs advice and go on a little holiday to my parents or something so I'm not even here, leave them to battle it out.

But overnight with you they'd be in bed asleep!

1 & 3.

Definitely go away if you can. How long would you be away and can you get to work okay from your parents?