Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

yanbu to say no to childcare.

How confident is your h about the short term thing? There have been staff shortages in many sectors for months. Plus any idea how long short term would mean? 6 weeks or 6 months? A massive difference.

Even if the ex is using her free time to party and have wild sex rather than volunteer or care for an elderly relative, she is entitled to say no.

I think your h needs to tell her what the alternative is rather than ask her. It's his time and responsibility to sort this and as he has little time, he is just going to have to say what his solution is.

@PurpleWisteria Maybe a mother who works or has other commitments, maybe a mother who believes her children have the right to live and be with their father 50% of the time. The dh really needed to get this sorted, if that means a job with less pay that will have to be that.

It is your husband's issue to sort. Ex won't do it. Are you willing to help him? I understand why you don't want to, but forcing their mother to take them is not an option, wether she should or not

As it is short term and presumably your household also benefit from him having a job then I would support my dh. If you can financially support him while he looks for new job and that is your preference then that is another valid option for him.

Because to be perfectly honest I'm absolutely teetering on the edge myself. I am fried and stressed and about to lose it myself. I am just about holding it together with the pressure I'm under from my own work and DC. So yes I'm sorry but I'm not interested in adding another two to the mix. Their parents can sort it out together like plenty of others have to do. They can do whatever they'd do if I didn't exist frankly.

Get an overnight nanny / babysitter

That's the obvious solution isn't it?

They have to come to your DH home as it's his responsibility in that time. If you can't or won't care for them he needs to bring in childcare.

I get it might feel odd with you there but that's the only practical solution.

Genuine question....as I really interest to know.
If you have 50/50 custody is there CM to pay the other parent?
Do both parents hand over to each other x amount for those days DC spend at the others house?
I'd have thought you cater financially for the days you have them then share outside costs, eg school trips etc between you.

I fact it sounds as though dh is the main problem here. He needs to sort something for the sake of his wife and all 4 of the children he has chosen to have and therefore has responsibility for.

I'll suggest I go stay with my parents and he can hire a nanny.

And it'll be a no go any future favours she requests.

I said you couldn't reasonably refuse to have them there. You are being unreasonable. Their father has 50/50 custody - they have every right to be there, and their mother has every right to expect to be able to rely on that arrangement.

No he doesn't have to but he does. Something else which should probably stop.

No it's not your responsibility.

But you also clearly don't think it's for you to help him out.

Does he often 'dump' them on you?

But in your place I would do it because it's not their fault. They're old enough to see this is a problem

'They can do whatever they'd do if I didn't exist frankly'

Yes, get an overnight nanny. You seem to be ignoring that option?

But at 11 & 13 they don't need someone to care for them.
It's their home.
So, if you weren't in, they could surely just look after themselves and let themselves in? Do they not have a key for if you're not in when they arrive?

I don't need to be there to care for them though and if that is what they are expecting I absolutely can reasonably refuse.

But how about favours he requests?

Because it's him you're turning down

Ok. I'm going to assume it's for the rest of the school holidays?

Why not tell DH that you'll help, but only with the following changes/plans:

• Tell her that he'll still do 50:50 but it'll need to be full weeks.

•He arranges full weeks of clubs on 'his' weeks, if he's not going to be home in the day to look after them.

•He arranges a taxi to/from the clubs (plenty of DBS taxi drivers without school runs over the holidays).

•He organises ANY external childcare they require when you'll be taking the little ones to childcare/going to work etc

•He cooks meals, for you to reheat.

• on days he hasn't cooked a meal you WILL be having 'easy dinners/takeaway'

• He does everything he feasibly can re tidying/laundry/getting them up/sending them to bed. Whatever when he IS at home, without a single complaint.

in essence I'd agree to be in charge of them
ivernight as I'm in the house anyway, but he'd batter appreciate it and make it as easy as possible.

We'd be discussing the 'maintenance' as well!! I'm all for 50:50 for uniform/school trips, clothes, shoes. IF you don't buy half. Or take on paying/organising half of those & Ex takes on half. It's not fair when it's 50:50, so no maintenance but one parent ends up paying for all their 'stuff/expenses'. If that's the 'maintenance' he pays - fine.

but any excess would be stopping now. If she can't do her share to enable him to work extra, she can't expect to benefit from
it either.

but I think what I said at the beginning is fair as things he could do if you didn't exist, aren't practical when you do.

It shouldn't even involve me.

You what now?!? Replace mother in this with father.
It's their father now wanting to do his 50%, not their mother.

Firstly your DH and his ex sound terrible, neither willing to make time for their kids and expecting someone else to fix it. I don’t think YABU to refuse childcare but it’s your DH causing the issue here, even if it’s not on purpose, he needs to sort an emergency nanny or better still, learn to say no to work, if he has his kids and nobody to watch them he can’t physically go to work can he? Covering a shift isn’t more important than covering his own childcare. Its a DH problem, blaming the ex is pointless really.

Yes, I agree - you can refuse to do anything for them. That being the case, he'll have to employ someone to provide care, and you'll have to put up with sharing your space with a carer. Or he can change his working arrangements and care for his own children, like millions of single parents have to do.

And I'm already taking on the huge bulk for our own children so yes, doing him a favour already. He can work out his elder ones with their mother.

You're hugely overstretched. You need to hire help to get through this period.

The problem isn't DSC in particular, it's everything altogether. If you can afford it (and I'm presuming you're reasonably well-paid to be under this much pressure), get someone in for the next few weeks who can help with DC, DSC and the house.

This, bloody brutal for them.

Why can’t DH hire a nanny or housekeeper so although you’ll be there with them in the house you won’t have to do any extra cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

If this is a temporary issue then I would do whatever I can to help out my DH and would assume he’d do the same for me.

If this is an ongoing thing then your DH is going to have to change his job or do less hours like their mum has to do.

@Nights11 he's being unreasonable to think you'll just pick up his slack, BUT I think (tempting as it is) buggering off to your parents & telling him to get a nanny could really impact badly on your marriage. Not to mention be quite disruptive for your kids/parents -week in/week out.