Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

How can he lose his job if there’s a staffing problem? He needs to be direct with his employer that he has parental responsibilities and that ge can’t pick up all the slack.

As they would be with her. She's their mum, not me. If it's so easy for me to just have them, then why can't their own mother?

How much overnight care do a 11 & 13 year old really need?

Yes they only live about 20 mins away so would be fine for work.

I notice this thread is full of assertions about how it’s the mum’s time off and she deserves this. And also the usual ‘you chose to marry a man with children’ crap.

It amazes me how responsibility for SC seems to fall to the woman who didn’t give birth to them. Well the boring and crap bits.

2 teenagers in the house does create loads more work. More cooking. Accommodating their preferences, which won’t be the same as the toddlers. Additional
pick ups and drop offs. Extra housework. Having to organise them. Loads of extra work.

The OP is exhausted. She’s working long hours and juggling things herself. But somehow it’s not the SC’s parents’ responsibility to coordinate look after their own kids.

Sorry if I've missed it @11Hawkins what is she doing with her child free time!? Is she working? If she is she may well ha e her work arranged to fit in with this schedule.

More than their poor mother can handle apparently.

Call them now and do it!

I don't really care tbh, it's not my responsibility. I don't want another two kids to feed, to get up in the morning, to run around to clubs or childcare and pick up again. Quite simply I just do not want the responsibility of another 2 children in my house when I'm already frazzled as it is.

If they aren't any work then their mum will be fine.

There’s your answer. Bugger off to your parents’ for a couple of weeks. And give no indication that you’re coming back to be used as childcare. That way the parents will have to figure out their children’s care, and then you’ll be able to come back home to no expectations of being free childcare.

I don't think his ex is being that difficult. And if, going forward, your DH wants to stick to the specified arrangements whatever she asks, then fair enough.

But presumably you need the money, so he has to work? So why are you refusing to help out with the children you knew he had 50% of the time? They're not babies.
Can they use public transport? Can they help out with their younger siblings?
Clear up after dinner?

It's not as if you have to do bath and bed for them

So when they do live at your house, does your husband do 100% of their care? All their washing? Feeding? Ferrying about? Spend all his time with them?

why are you refusing to help out with the children you knew he had 50% of the time?

why are their parents not making arrangements to look after the children they chose to have?

I just don't get why it would be so unreasonable and difficult for their mum to do this if they are so easy to have?

And it's not just us who needs his money, she's always after it as well so you'd think she'd be quite interested in him keeping his job.

But it's not when the mum is supposed to have them. This isn't her problem to solve it's your husbands. If you are unwilling to have them to help him he needs to come up with another solution, if that is telling his work they need to find a different solution to their staffing problem then so be it.

Because they're supposed to be with their father.

He appears to be between a rock and a hard place. It's not his choice to be unavailable, he's worried about his job.

Your trying to punish his ex through the children because she won't change the arrangements.

Not strictly 100% no, but the whole arrangement is easier when he's there. I might cook for us all but he'd be there looking after the two toddlers for example. It's obviously more difficult and stressful when I'm on my own. He does do most for them though yes.

Her husband isn't wilfully not being available.

If the OP isn't worried about his job or the money she can crack on.

Because they're supposed to be with their father.

And he's not around so they'll have to come to some sort of arrangement as the kids parents won't they. Whatever they'd do if I didn't exist would be fine.

That's fine, so long as she never expects any future favours from us when she has work issues or holidays she wants to go on.

Maybe she wants to have a friend stay over. Maybe she wants a social life when her kids are away. If my ex didn't take our son overnight, I'd have no sex life.

Then there isn't much their mum needs to do either

Except source suitable childcare because that is your expectation - it's her problem to solve, not your DHs. Until you recognise - or unt your DH recognises that this is his problem to solve, it's not going to be solved.

As for 'what kind d of mother', what kind s of father says he will do his fair share of parenting but then bats it back when it doesn't suit?

This is not your problem, and you absolutely should leave the two parents to sort it out, but you don’t get to insist that the only correct solution is that the children stay with their Mum.

She has every right to insist that their father sorts out childcare if he needs it on his allocated time. She doesn’t have to justify why she would rather have this time instead of any other or why she would rather have the time instead of the money to you or anyone else.

Maybe she has a date or a night out planned or maybe she’s feeling tired herself and wants a night alone. Whatever it is, she has a 50/50 parenting arrangement and it is fine for her to stick to it.

That also means that it’s fine for your DH to stop being flexible with her and stop paying maintenance that he doesn’t owe. This is 100% your husbands problem, no one else’s. He’s not going to be fired from a job that apparently desperately needs him just because he can’t find childcare.

@Nights11 does your husband work in healthcare? It seems very wrong that your husband’s workplace is basically dictating the lives of 5 people, potentially causing quite a lot of hurt and disruption.

Don’t be paying maIntenance if it’s 50:50. She can’t dictate what happens with them at your house. It’s the holidays, go to work as per normal leave them in the house and make sure they know to ring dad not you if stuck. They’re teenagers and should cope. DH could pay for them to go to an overnight camp for the week and if mum’s days starts on Thursday she is perfectly entitled to take them out. It’s summer so you shouldn’t need to wake them up and they can get their own breakfast. Could you even offer to pay them to hoover or do a bit of washing up to lessen your evenings? Do a few simple dinners then make it clear they need to amuse themselves in the evening while you sort out the younger children and do some work. It might not be the most exciting summer but that’s their parents’ problem not you.