How do you rise above the irritating things - food stealing and lying

[BlackWhiteRed]

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

On the whole, i cope but certain things grind me down. DSS2 is an incredibly fussy eater, and expects his Dad to jump through hoops to cater for him. He's obviously pandered to at home, but DH tries not to. He'll cook food that DSS2 says he'll eat, then he'll sulk and refuse to even try it. DH is blind to it - so he'll tell him to eat, and I'll watch DSS move food around on his plate, then lie and tell his Dad that he's eaten it. I can't fathom why DH doesn't notice this... I guess I'm more observant! But invariably, DSS will lie about eating, then moan that he's hungry and demand pudding.

I try not to care - DH does the cooking when they're here as he enjoys cooking for them. If I cooked, it would piss me off even more, so I just dont' get involved.

Then there's just the general lying about everything. DSS makes up stories, which are obviously bullshit - but DH sucks it up and believes him. And he lies about doing 'chores'... DH will tell him to do something, he'll obviously not do it, lie and say he has, and DH will believe him.

Sometimes I'll call it out if I'm certain it's a lie - but then DH gets upset with him for lying and tells him off., which creates stress. I wish he'd just notice it at the time and nip it in the bud before I have to call it out but I think DH is usually too knackered/blinded by love to notice.

I feel like a wicked stepmum watching out for lies all the time! It drives me nuts. None of them are consequential, I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and say ah well... but it drives me nuts inside.

Then there's the food stealing - we can't have treats in the house because both DSS eat in secret and hide the evidence. I wish they'd just be honest and say 'I had a bag of crisps', but they seem unable to be honest about food. I keep finding empty packets hidden in drawers or stuffed behind the sofa - the other day I found an empty Pringles tube hidden away, one of them had eaten the whole lot when it was meant for us to share. The one that made me sad was I bought two big bags of jumbo marshmallows for us all to share when we go camping - and then I found the empty packets hidden in one of DSSs bedroom drawers after they'd left. DH won't challenge them on this - he just laughs and says oh dear.

Please help me to rise above it all!!!!!!

oh come on - it’s not Nazi German-esque to have a rule that your children ask before they help themselves to cake

Particularly as the children in question are… fat!

Emotionally manipulative and controlling or just not wanting greedy fat kids. Preferring manners over grabby thoughtless brats?

Yes, that’s definitely emotionally manipulative and if anyone regularly fat shamed a child and called them greedy or a grabby thoughtless brat that would then amount to emotional abuse imho.

I’m disgusted you would compare this to the Holocaust. There are whole swathes of controlling and emotionally manipulative behaviours that exist outside of genocide.

And this isn’t one of them!!

@Discovereads out of interest, do you have children?

What activities does your H do with the boys on their weekends together, OP?

Any outdoorsy stuff?

Making mealtimes a focus of 'family togetherness' is very problematic and often leads to issues such as the ones you are describing.

They’re fat because they’re living in a food controlling environment where every meal is a session of being criticised, where every snack is “stolen” and they are shamed for their eating preferences- ie it’s “ridiculous” to want orange juice with no bits in it. That’s the environment they live in and yes they are overweight. Yet you think it’s a great way to parent 🙄

OP, you clearly can't stand the younger lad. It's not your job to call him out as a liar when he moves food around on his plate. He's clearly got major issues with food and is ashamed (he's hiding wrappers.)

I did that at the same age. You acting like a playround snitcvh to his father isn't going to improve the situation, nor do much for your relationship with your partner.

I agree with a PP - go look up NACHO Kids. And disengage.

Yes. I have 4 DC. 3 are now adults the youngest is 18. So I have lived experience in the reality of teenagers. I know you are itching to know, but none of them are overweight and all of them have a healthy relationship with food.

I totally agree that the Op sounds like she’s creating a pretty… let’s say unwelcome atmosphere for her children.
but I am picking up your particular point where you say asking your children to ask before they take cakes and crisps is controlling and abusive

I beg to differ.

So… I have spent two hours this afternoon making a casserole I know my son loves. It is ready in 10 mins, just cooling down.

You’d be done with your 12 year old strolling in to the kitchen at this point and grabbing a family sized pack of Doritos to munch on?m
Meaning that in 10 mins when casserole ready - he will be full of Doritos!

Well yes, clearly. We have established that

They’re fat because they’re living in a food controlling environment where every meal is a session of being criticised, where every snack is “stolen” and they are shamed for their eating preferences- ie it’s “ridiculous” to want orange juice with no bits in it. That’s the environment they live in and yes they are overweight. Yet you think it’s a great way to parent

You don't know that at all, you are massively jumping to conclusions based purely on your own fairly extreme views that there should be no rules about food at all. They may be fat because they are eating a lot of unhealthy snacks, as so many on here have said teens often do.

I don't think anybody has said they agree with OPs views about juice, personally I would just buy the type with no bits. What people ARE saying is that it's normal for there to be some rules around food and expectation of restraint without it automatically meaning THAT is the reason they are overweight, rather than the enormous amount of snacks they are choosing to eat.

No, my point was that requiring children and teenagers to ask for any/all snacks is controlling. I then said that calling any DC “fat and greedy” or a “grabby thoughtless brat” on a regular basis would be abusive. Do try harder to not twist my words please.

I’m jumping to conclusions? And yet you have all been saying repeatedly that my way leads to fat kids, greedy and selfish kids, grabby thoughtless brats, kids lacking in empathy, and so on and so on. So obviously you think parental attitude to food and rules or lack of rules does cause obesity in kids.

And yet when faced with a IRL family with a food controlling environment, it’s resultant disordered eating patterns in the DC and overweight DC it’s suddenly that parental attitude to food and rules around food doesn’t cause any of these things?

And Im the one jumping to conclusions, yet you others posters weren’t? That’s very hypocritical.

I will remind you of what you said

We all knew that if we wanted cake or crisps between meals we had to ask

How sad that you grew up under such a controlling attitude towards food. And I’m not surprised at all that deviating from this was labelled as “selfish”. Very emotionally manipulative.

no reference to name calling. Specifically the asking for snacks between meals

I’d let him know casserole will be ready if he can wait ten minutes and then he’d decide if he wants to skip the Doritos or have a handful anyway. I’m not going to be a food dictator. Although 12 is not a teenager like the DC in this thread and so I’d probably suggest he skip the Doritos for now and have them later after casserole. A teenager, I wouldn’t suggest, I’d let them decide what they want to do.

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

And yet when faced with a IRL family with a food controlling environment, it’s resultant disordered eating patterns in the DC and overweight DC it’s suddenly that parental attitude to food and rules around food doesn’t cause any of these things?

From the opening post, it would appear that the teenagers mostly reside elsewhere, and that the marriage is not of long duration. Therefore I can't see that them being overweight has much to do with OP and whatever eating patterns prevail in Casa OP.

I’ll remind you of what you said
I am picking up your particular point where you say asking your children to ask before they take cakes and crisps is controlling and abusive

Now compare that. Where in what I said was the word “abusive” ? hmmm?
That’s why I objected to you saying

I am picking up your particular point where you say asking your children to ask before they take cakes and crisps is controlling and abusive

Because I didn’t say that was abusive. Which you’ve kindly reposted proving that.

We don’t know how their mother is. All I know is that food restriction and control leads to disordered eating.

I agree with everyone else - they are pretty normal teenage behaviours, and annoying to live with all the time too, but you learn to pick your battles.
I do think you need to try and change your view of it - they are probably not stealing and hiding the evidence, but being lazy and picking the easiest foods to eat (usually junk food) and stuffing the empties in the easiest place to them (bedside drawers, down the side of the sofa). It's annoying and frustrating as that's not the way most of us have brought them up, but pretty normal.

@Discovereads Yes, you are assuming cause and effect where there isn't evidence of it. It MIGHT be a factor but it could also very little have nothing to do with it. Lots of people have said their kids would eat similarly to this and lots of them were not controlling about food.

I have argued that teaching a child that it is ok for them to to take all of the available food, regardless of whether that leaves none for anyone else or that food was bought for an intended purpose, is encouraging and allowing selfish behaviour and outlooks, yes. That is just so much of a no brainer I can't really think of any other way to go over it.

I haven't said it has caused your kids to be overweight, or selfish. Though tbh you're not even as example of what you're arguing is absolutely fine. You have clearly stated that your kids don't help themselves to endless junk, because you don't buy it. You've also repeatedly said things like "take a handful" when what everyone else is talking about it taking the lot. You are assuming a much milder amount of food consumption than everyone else.