How do you rise above the irritating things - food stealing and lying

[BlackWhiteRed]

DH's children are due to come and stay with us for the holidays. I have no children of my own, so it's a big change to go from a household with no kids, to sharing with teenagers (15 & 12)

On the whole, i cope but certain things grind me down. DSS2 is an incredibly fussy eater, and expects his Dad to jump through hoops to cater for him. He's obviously pandered to at home, but DH tries not to. He'll cook food that DSS2 says he'll eat, then he'll sulk and refuse to even try it. DH is blind to it - so he'll tell him to eat, and I'll watch DSS move food around on his plate, then lie and tell his Dad that he's eaten it. I can't fathom why DH doesn't notice this... I guess I'm more observant! But invariably, DSS will lie about eating, then moan that he's hungry and demand pudding.

I try not to care - DH does the cooking when they're here as he enjoys cooking for them. If I cooked, it would piss me off even more, so I just dont' get involved.

Then there's just the general lying about everything. DSS makes up stories, which are obviously bullshit - but DH sucks it up and believes him. And he lies about doing 'chores'... DH will tell him to do something, he'll obviously not do it, lie and say he has, and DH will believe him.

Sometimes I'll call it out if I'm certain it's a lie - but then DH gets upset with him for lying and tells him off., which creates stress. I wish he'd just notice it at the time and nip it in the bud before I have to call it out but I think DH is usually too knackered/blinded by love to notice.

I feel like a wicked stepmum watching out for lies all the time! It drives me nuts. None of them are consequential, I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and say ah well... but it drives me nuts inside.

Then there's the food stealing - we can't have treats in the house because both DSS eat in secret and hide the evidence. I wish they'd just be honest and say 'I had a bag of crisps', but they seem unable to be honest about food. I keep finding empty packets hidden in drawers or stuffed behind the sofa - the other day I found an empty Pringles tube hidden away, one of them had eaten the whole lot when it was meant for us to share. The one that made me sad was I bought two big bags of jumbo marshmallows for us all to share when we go camping - and then I found the empty packets hidden in one of DSSs bedroom drawers after they'd left. DH won't challenge them on this - he just laughs and says oh dear.

Please help me to rise above it all!!!!!!

Oh, and mums having a hidden stash of treats is normal within my group of friends. The hiding place just changes every few weeks when one of them finds it!

And if you didn’t see. You were in your bedroom. Having been cooking for two hours, his fav, you come out and see him halfway through a jumbo pack of Doritos.

and it happened regularly. He would eat before dinner and then no appetite

The boy is 12

So you keep saying, in various ways, all over this thread.

I'm unsure what the repeated re-statement that you wouldn't create a blended family, in the part of MN that's specifically for people who will mostly be in some kind of blended family set-up, is supposed to add to this discourse. From where I'm sitting it reads as though you are essentially reproaching people, after the fact, for having brought stepparents into their children's lives.

Is that your intention? Because if so, it feels not only like a derail but also a baffling waste of your own time and that of others. Not attempting to be any kind of thread police here, merely stating my own view.

Question to those who are saying/implying kids shouldn't have to ask for a snack if they want one: were you yourselves not expected, when you were children, to ask if you wanted a snack?🤔

You’re entirely twisting my words out of context so why wouldn’t someone twist yours?

To be clear my comments were that it wasn’t emotionally manipulative to
disallow a child to grab snacks between meals.

I disagree.. it isn't acceptable for them to take food without asking. My children can't just help themselves without asking.. otherwise they'd be eating before dinner, or just junk all day.

No I wasn’t. You took my emotionally abusive comment regarding another posters name calling and tacked it on as if it were my response to your children must ask rule. My pointing out you had done that wasn’t twisting your words.

My kids are always helping themselves to snacks and stuffing the wrappers down sofas - it drives me mad but instead of making a massive deal out of it I ask them nicely not to ever eat "all" of something (message slowly getting through) and I only ever leave out what I am happy to never see again anyway ie I leave out some but not all of the snacks and hide the rest. I'm just trying to say that ime it's normal teenage behaviour. This bit anyway. I have learned the hard way that you pick your battles. Nothing wrong with asking them to tidy up after themselves on a regular basis but you don't have to go nuts - just a "it would really help me out if you could.." Unfortunately one does have to repeat oneself quite frequently.

I'm just looking forward to the day they have their own places and I can stuff a sticky wrapper into their furniture.

At what point do you start letting go and allowing them to exercise their own judgement? Those children become teens who then become adults. Will they have to ask you for a snack when they are adults? Will you still be vetoing their food choices at 18? How will they ever learn to self regulate and make good choices if there is no phase of living at home practising these skills before living alone as an adult?

I've now read some of the later comments and the only thing i can add is that with disordered eating having possibly been identified please take all judgement around food away completely. No good food or bad food. You absolutely need for there to be no guilt around food in your house. In the meantime please do some research about binge eating / disordered eating and if that is what is going on find out how you and DH can help. It's hard to distill out a genuine problem from normal teenager behaviour sometimes.

I wasn’t. My DH was raised in a food controlled environment where he had to ask for snacks and the clear your plate rules. He still struggles with his eating and weight because of it. For example, it was only a few years ago he stopped opening food under a tea towel. It was a habit he had started as a teen getting snacks in the middle of the night (when he’d been told no after asking for a snack but was too hungry to sleep). He opened food under a tea towel to mask the noise of packaging rustling. If he were caught “stealing” food, he was shamed and punished. When the DC were little he would literally eat their leftovers as he couldn’t bear to throw any food away. He didn’t want the DC to live under the clear your plate rule, but he was so conditioned/brainwashed that he felt he had to eat to clear their plates for them. So he gained weight. It took decades to undo the damage.

Those sorts of things are usually one offs. These worst case scenarios of a teen DC regularly stuffing themselves with junk ten minutes before dinner just didn’t happen. I think you need to let go of these fears and have a bit of trust in your teen DC.

OP, it is up to your DH to manage these situations. He knows what is happening and is opting out of parenting and not facing up to it by not addressing the issue. It really easy to let teenagers choose what they want to do, you then don't have to parent with the tough stuff.

I find it disgusting if the kids are being allowed to eat crisps for breakfast on a regular basis, this is why children (teenagers are still children) need parents. Your DH should be there to ensure his children are at their healthiest and happiest. This doesn't appear to be the case.

Of course he won't be hungry at meal time if he is binge eating on other junk food throughout the day.
It is not manipulative, abusive or any other tripe to try and help an overweight child manage their food intake. If he has no medical condition relating to his weight, he needs to get off his computer and reduce the rubbish he eats. Basic common sense to protect those we love.

As a PP pointed out. If you have cooked a really nice healthy tea or the child can just eat crisps, chocolate, ice cream until they are sick to teach them, is simply ridiculous. Most children can eat an unhealthy amount of junk before being sick, a well balanced diet is essential, despite what some people ridiculously claim on here. And I don't believe for one second they carry this out to the extent they claim.

Those sorts of things are usually one offs. These worst case scenarios of a teen DC regularly stuffing themselves with junk ten minutes before dinner just didn’t happen. I think you need to let go of these fears and have a bit of trust in your teen DC.

What part of this are you not getting? We are talking about situations where these sorts of things DO happen. You seem to be basing your entire defence about why it's absolutely fine for this to happen on the assumption that it simply won't happen.

@Discovereads - I get the impression you are not a stepparent. The whole step family dynamic seems designed to make children act younger, more selfish, play parents off for the most favourable terms (in their view), and trend to junk eating more than their peers in intact families.

No, you’re making up more and more extreme hypothetical scenarios you fear might happen when parenting in my style. These are not circumstances that have actually happened. They are not circumstances that in my experience havr ever happened with my parenting style.

If your experience is that such situations..a teen DC regularly stuffing themselves with junk food ten minutes before dinner…then may I gently suggest that your parenting style of food control/restriction may be contributing to it happening? And perhaps you should evaluate why food control/restriction is backfiring in your home with your teen DCs?

I get the frustration...I grew up in a house like this, except it wasn't us, it was my parents who ate everything!!

My dad would go shopping on Saturday, get a load of treats in and then him and my mum would literally steam through them by Monday max - not together as an event or anything, but just like 2 Magnums each per day, a couple of bags of crisps, a chocolate bar if it was there etc etc - so there was nothing nice left for the rest of the week. It was really frustrating because it was like if you didn't just stuff something in straight away, even if you didn't want it at that time, you'd miss out completely as it would be gone the next day. Even if it was ridiculous amounts, like whole multipacks of crisps or 8 yoghurts.

It was really frustrating and if I ever wanted to have any chocolate, crisps etc etc I'd literally have to buy it and keep it in my bedroom. Sounds like that's why you need to do here to be honest!

I am surprised at so many saying it's not inconsiderate to do this - I wouldn't dream of going shopping and then eating all the crisps (or whatever) before my DP even got a look in. It's tough if you're not the kind of person who binge snacks like that as you do honestly rarely get a look in.

@Discovereads I'm not just making hypothetical scenarios and these circumstances do not need to apply tonal either you or I.

People are asking you, and have many times, if you still think the behaviour is totally reasonable under these circumstances. You basically keep saying yes, because they wouldn't do it. That's not a proper answer. People are trying to address if this behaviour is fine in kids who DO act this way.

No, I’m not a step-parent and while I agree with the behaviours you’ve listed being caused by a blended family dynamic, I can’t agree with your negative characterisation of it?
Act younger= stress caused regression
more selfish= self care in a volatile, emotionally charged situation
play parents off = the parents disagreeing about what DC can or cannot do
junk eating= stress induced comfort eating

@Discovereads Ok, perhaps you should try contributing to threads where you have more knowledge? Walk a mile or 3 in these shoes, and then your opinions will be more interesting.

Oh FFS. You (plural) are making up random hypothetical scenarios. And the DC regularly eating junk food ten minutes before dinner scenario is the only hypothetical circumstance where I have said this doesn’t tend to happen. So no I don’t “keep saying they wouldn’t do it”, I’ve said that exactly once about one scenario.

I have had 4 teen DC, that’s plenty of knowledge about parenting teen DCs and how to approach food issues. Blended families are not so different that basic parenting doesn’t apply and that DC don’t go through puberty and don’t end up needing a lot more food to eat. I don’t care about interesting, I’m genuinely concerned for the DC who are exhibiting disordered eating patterns and the OP is contributing to the problem with her approach to her DSSs. It doesn’t matter that they are DSSs, the concepts still apply.

Oh FFS. You (plural) are making up random hypothetical scenarios. And the DC regularly eating junk food ten minutes before dinner scenario is the only hypothetical circumstance where I have said this doesn’t tend to happen. So no I don’t “keep saying they wouldn’t do it”, I’ve said that exactly once about one scenario.

Because we are questioning your logic that it's always fine for kids to eat whatever they want and putting any kind of constraints on that is controlling!

Thanks for finally admitting that is what you are doing.

My logic isn’t “it is always fine for kids to eat whatever they want” it’s “teenagers need to learn to self regulate eating so instead of control/restriction I advise and offer healthy choices”

Restraints by definition are a form of control, so to put restraints or rules like the you can’t help yourself you must always ask one we have been discussing is in fact controlling food access and every time they ask and you say no, that is restricting food. That’s the bare bones of it. You think it’s justified, I disagree.