Page 13 | Prefer it when DSC aren't here

Chime11 · 2022-07-02T19:08:06+00:00

Anyone else feel this way? Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes. It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here. It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well. I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c Anyone else?

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RocketsMagnificent7 · 05/07/2022 14:51

^I didn’t say anything about not having boundaries, of course kids should have boundaries!
But what I’m trying to say is that according to some SM’s, if their dsc’s get so much as a bloody bag of sweets or a new game then they’re being spoilt !^

Please quote a post where anyone has said this. Even just one person.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 05/07/2022 15:35

It's not so much that you can't have a valid opinion on step parenting unless you have direct experience of being a step parent yourself - however a step parent will most likely "get" the nuances and pressures inherent to many step parenting set-ups which don't need to be spelled out explicitly when posting for help. Which, as this is specifically the step parenting section of MN, isn't unreasonable for an OP not to have to spell out everything in order to receive valid advice.

So say a SP complains that DSC won't put their plate in the dishwasher and their parent won't pull them up on it.
Seen through a "normal" lens - just tell them yourself then!
SP lens - if you just tell them you'll be angst-ing about it for days hours worried that you've come across as the evil SM stereotype and/or DSC will go back to their parent - cue accusations of "you don't like my kids" or a barrage of shitty texts so a response will probably be bearing all this in mind.

DSC come EOW, SP is struggling because their DP is a Disney parent and sets no rules or boundaries for DSC.
Normal lens - get a grip they're only there 1 night a fortnight!
SP lens - EOW probably means at least Fri-Sun plus extra in the week; on top of that a significant number of non-contact days will be spent prepping for and/or catching up from the contact days. None of this means you dislike the children themselves but you just need some advice on how to get through to DP that a regular 11pm bedtime for a 7yo is fucking ridiculous.

And so on...

Coffeepot72 · 05/07/2022 16:02

EOW probably means at least Fri-Sun plus extra in the week; on top of that a significant number of non-contact days will be spent prepping for and/or catching up from the contact days. None of this means you dislike the children themselves but you just need some advice on how to get through to DP that a regular 11pm bedtime for a 7yo is fucking ridiculous.

Yes 100%. In the Real World the weekend consists of Saturday and Sunday. On Planet Step Child, a weekend can often start on a Thursday night and end on a Monday morning, which is exhausting. And then they're back again for their mid week night. Marvellous!

HotDogKetchup · 05/07/2022 16:07

Even more frustrating having to explain these nuances to someone with no intention of being constructive.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 05/07/2022 16:29

HotDogKetchup · 05/07/2022 16:07

Even more frustrating having to explain these nuances to someone with no intention of being constructive.

Yes! And the real irony is that they're the first to bleat "you knew what you were getting into" when they clearly have zero clue what it's like to actually live it!

BruceAndNosh · 05/07/2022 16:38

The step children's mother must be annoyed when her kids come back from Dad's house, hyped up on sugar and overtired from no structured bedtime

harryclr · 05/07/2022 20:00

I think parents that split secretly like the break from kids every other weekend. Mums/Dads with mutual children that live together never get a break and be honest...who doesnt need a break every now and again??

HotDogKetchup · 05/07/2022 20:18

harryclr · 05/07/2022 20:00

I think parents that split secretly like the break from kids every other weekend. Mums/Dads with mutual children that live together never get a break and be honest...who doesnt need a break every now and again??

My DSS’ mum has left him over a fortnight before and not text or called. Oddly when she realised my DH and I were together she started to schedule in more calls when she’s away. I think it’s for show. She openly admits she doesn’t think about him when he’s not with her.

So for some it’s not even secret.

I like my time without my kids too but it’s hours not days/weeks.

LadyCluck · 05/07/2022 20:22

I think parents that split secretly like the break from kids every other weekend. Mums/Dads with mutual children that live together never get a break and be honest...who doesnt need a break every now and again??

Yep - we all need a break. Although every time I picked the SC up when they were small, their mums parting line was always “right, get out of my house, I’m off for a bath / nap / glass of wine, etc” I couldn’t believe it the first few times I heard it.

harryclr · 05/07/2022 21:32

LadyCluck · 05/07/2022 20:22

I think parents that split secretly like the break from kids every other weekend. Mums/Dads with mutual children that live together never get a break and be honest...who doesnt need a break every now and again??

Yep - we all need a break. Although every time I picked the SC up when they were small, their mums parting line was always “right, get out of my house, I’m off for a bath / nap / glass of wine, etc” I couldn’t believe it the first few times I heard it.

Lol my god...

Coffeepot72 · 05/07/2022 22:34

I think parents that split secretly like the break from kids every other weekend.

Most definitely. DSS’s Mum was obsessed with ensuring DSS spent every single court-ordered minute with his Dad. And wouldn’t take him back a minute early, without muttering about getting the maintenance re-calculated …

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 05/07/2022 23:09

Both my SC’s parents seem to see them largely in terms of financial obligations/gains. Both of them are motivated to an inordinate degree by child maintenance. It appears to be a trade off of having to have them more vs paying more/receiving less money. Maintenance calculations are submitted regularly if there’s any change in contact.

As far as I can tell when they were together, it was all about when they could dump the kids on the other one and do what they wanted. When I first met him (I realise his in retrospect) the contact arrangements were all about ‘nights off’ from having to have the kids (not time spent with them) and there were almost constant negotiations and arguments over who had to have the kids (and therefore couldn’t go out).

Even now, his prioritisation of time with the SC over anything else is not about being a good father. It is entirely (and explicitly!) about ensuring he doesn’t stray into a different maintenance category and have to pay her more. It’s all a sense of obligation and minimising the costs. He actually says he doesn’t want to see them more, likes not living with them and just feels he has to. So the Disney dad stuff is about alleviating his guilt and also just opting out of real parenting.

Similarly, she likes to try to keep it at the maximum amount of time off while staying within her preferred maintenance boundary and has pulled all sorts of weird shit about this. He’s a high earner so even if he has them c.30% of the time she gets nearly £1k in maintenance. So it’s not about it barely covering the costs (of half of the other 70%). So long as it doesn’t dip below that, she appears to be literally desperate to get rid of them at any opportunity.

Note: hindsight is incredible. When I met and married him (and had a baby), I didn’t see it because it just didn’t occur to me that people actually relate to their kids in that way. It only became apparent after I was pregnant. Probably because he considered me stuck so he didn’t have to pretend any more.

Also note: if there’s a ‘poor SC’ argument to be made here, it’s entirely on the basis of their parents’ shit attitudes.

Blueswedeshoes · 06/07/2022 07:00

Coffeepot72 · 05/07/2022 16:02

EOW probably means at least Fri-Sun plus extra in the week; on top of that a significant number of non-contact days will be spent prepping for and/or catching up from the contact days. None of this means you dislike the children themselves but you just need some advice on how to get through to DP that a regular 11pm bedtime for a 7yo is fucking ridiculous.

Yes 100%. In the Real World the weekend consists of Saturday and Sunday. On Planet Step Child, a weekend can often start on a Thursday night and end on a Monday morning, which is exhausting. And then they're back again for their mid week night. Marvellous!

Planet Step Child.
Charming.

Blueswedeshoes · 06/07/2022 07:07

What I can’t understand is, this is to those of you who married your ‘Disney dad’s’, why did you get married in the first place to someone who was parenting his kids like this?

After all, presumably you lived with each other for a while first? So why didn’t you sort the issue first?
Is it because as soon as you got a ring on your finger you saw him as your family now?

Blueswedeshoes · 06/07/2022 07:11

*saw him as your family now, and it began to irk you that his previous family was still in the frame disrupting your new little family unit?

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 06/07/2022 07:29

Oh bingo. I think we have a full house and all from one poster.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 06/07/2022 07:35

@Blueswedeshoes you have a lot to say about your ex partner. So let's flip around what you said and see if you can answer your own questions : How did you not spot the warning signs or that he was a flakey person who doesn't care about anything else other than himself?

Didn't you live together or did you just think the ring on his finger would change him, why on earth did you have kids with him making them collateral damage ?

Hindsight vision is 20/20 right

Blueswedeshoes · 06/07/2022 07:51

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 06/07/2022 07:35

@Blueswedeshoes you have a lot to say about your ex partner. So let's flip around what you said and see if you can answer your own questions : How did you not spot the warning signs or that he was a flakey person who doesn't care about anything else other than himself?

Didn't you live together or did you just think the ring on his finger would change him, why on earth did you have kids with him making them collateral damage ?

Hindsight vision is 20/20 right

Where have I mentioned an ex partner?

And in answer to did you not spot the warning signs (once again I’ve not mentioned an ex partner but I’ll still answer this), the SM’s I’m referring to would not need to ‘spot warning signs’ about how their partners parent their dc’s from a previous relationship.

If they lived together before marrying, surely they would’ve known about and witnessed the dynamics of the parenting of their future dsc’s. Surely dad wouldn’t have suddenly gone all ‘Disney dad’ after the marriage, he would’ve been the same as he was before.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 06/07/2022 08:01

If they lived together before marrying, surely they would’ve known about and witnessed the dynamics of the parenting of their future dsc’s. Surely dad wouldn’t have suddenly gone all ‘Disney dad’ after the marriage, he would’ve been the same as he was before

Would you say that to a woman who was experiencing domestic abuse? You are aware that quite often men (in this instance) are on their best behaviour/put on a front until they have that ring on the finger or are expecting a baby. They then consider the woman trapped and the mask slips. You only have to read the relationship board here to see that's true without delving into actual studies that show this.

Also children get older, dynamics and personalities change. Dad guilt can creep in when another baby who lives with him full time arrives. It is neither as simple or straightforward as you're making it out to be. There are so many moving parts, so many variables.

HotDogKetchup · 06/07/2022 08:04

Blueswedeshoes · 06/07/2022 07:11

*saw him as your family now, and it began to irk you that his previous family was still in the frame disrupting your new little family unit?

I had the benefit of a crystal ball.

whodidthis · 06/07/2022 08:05

I don't think we can blame step parents for preferring when their step kids arnt there, I also don't think you can say 'you knew what you were getting into' as love evolves feelings change, you can't help who you fall in love with and also often these parents don't introduce the children until quite late on in the dating process and then it's too late to go back, you're already hooked! The fact that 40% of marriages end in divorce means that there are quite a lot of people in this situation too. I feel sorry for step parents as there really isn't many 'pros' but a hell of a lot of 'cons'
Cons of being a step parent as follows

*You are expected to love the SC as your own yet if you split up you have no rights to ever see them again.
*They take up a lot of your partners time and finances
*You can't discipline them or at least it would take many years before you feel you can have rules
*They of course have links to the ex, they might look/behave like the ex and most new partners want to forget about the ex
*If you have joint children it means they don't get the chance to experience a normal nuclear family, it must be very confusing for them to have their sibling come and go like they often do

And there are Pros if you love caring for other peoples children or have a desperate desire to please and feel needed or you want a big family and can't or don't want to give birth. But jeez give these step parents a break!
It's a tough job!

Blueswedeshoes · 06/07/2022 08:25

RocketsMagnificent7 · 06/07/2022 08:01

If they lived together before marrying, surely they would’ve known about and witnessed the dynamics of the parenting of their future dsc’s. Surely dad wouldn’t have suddenly gone all ‘Disney dad’ after the marriage, he would’ve been the same as he was before

Would you say that to a woman who was experiencing domestic abuse? You are aware that quite often men (in this instance) are on their best behaviour/put on a front until they have that ring on the finger or are expecting a baby. They then consider the woman trapped and the mask slips. You only have to read the relationship board here to see that's true without delving into actual studies that show this.

Also children get older, dynamics and personalities change. Dad guilt can creep in when another baby who lives with him full time arrives. It is neither as simple or straightforward as you're making it out to be. There are so many moving parts, so many variables.

It’s really out of order of you to imply that I would say the same thing to a domestic abuse victim. Stop trying to discredit me with such a cheap shot.

Yes and kids do get older, that’s obvious. But it you’re considering marrying someone with kids, the sensible thing would be to think about how your future could be, and how it may change with those kids as they grow up. Not moan when you find out that the marriage certificate doesn’t affect how much your dsc’s will still always come first above you in your dh’s eyes.

I’ll leave this thread now as there’s no point in being on one where you’re not allowed to have a proper discussion without everyone trying to twist and turn everything you say. Although I guess that’s because I’ve hit a nerve with some of you. I do feel sorry for the dsc’s of those who obviously don’t like having to ‘share’ their dh’s attention.

whodidthis · 06/07/2022 08:35

RocketsMagnificent7 · 06/07/2022 08:01

If they lived together before marrying, surely they would’ve known about and witnessed the dynamics of the parenting of their future dsc’s. Surely dad wouldn’t have suddenly gone all ‘Disney dad’ after the marriage, he would’ve been the same as he was before

Would you say that to a woman who was experiencing domestic abuse? You are aware that quite often men (in this instance) are on their best behaviour/put on a front until they have that ring on the finger or are expecting a baby. They then consider the woman trapped and the mask slips. You only have to read the relationship board here to see that's true without delving into actual studies that show this.

Also children get older, dynamics and personalities change. Dad guilt can creep in when another baby who lives with him full time arrives. It is neither as simple or straightforward as you're making it out to be. There are so many moving parts, so many variables.

I agree totally with this, plenty of people are not happy with certain aspects of their relationship, some extreme like domestic violence, cheating etc and some more mundane like ex partners and step children, some so petty like not putting the toilet seat down.
Doesn't mean women can't come on MN and have a moan! I'm pretty sure you could use the argument YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO on most relationship problems, but often people don't or relationships change.
I can't imagine the OP met the kids on the first date, it might have been a whole year before she did

HotDogKetchup · 06/07/2022 08:45

Blueswedeshoes · 06/07/2022 08:25

It’s really out of order of you to imply that I would say the same thing to a domestic abuse victim. Stop trying to discredit me with such a cheap shot.

Yes and kids do get older, that’s obvious. But it you’re considering marrying someone with kids, the sensible thing would be to think about how your future could be, and how it may change with those kids as they grow up. Not moan when you find out that the marriage certificate doesn’t affect how much your dsc’s will still always come first above you in your dh’s eyes.

I’ll leave this thread now as there’s no point in being on one where you’re not allowed to have a proper discussion without everyone trying to twist and turn everything you say. Although I guess that’s because I’ve hit a nerve with some of you. I do feel sorry for the dsc’s of those who obviously don’t like having to ‘share’ their dh’s attention.

Show quote history

You obviously understand the dynamics required for a “proper discussion” but can’t quite manage it in practice.

I’m surprised it’s taken you 13 pages to realise your input is neither useful or welcome - but I guess it some people longer than others.

CauliWobble · 06/07/2022 08:46

Perfectly fine. Sometimes I prefer it when my DH isn't here.