Prefer it when DSC aren't here

[Chime11]

Anyone else feel this way?

Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes.

It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here.

It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well.

I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c

Anyone else?

OK so fathers are totally beyond criticism. Even if they’re showing enormous favouritism to some of their children or employing ridiculous double standards or any of the other things that some nonresident fathers do.

Clearly it’s not legitimate for someone to criticise their husband when he not only let’s but encourages his DS to open all his half sibling’s Christmas presents. And even to tell her off for holding some presents back for the child to open themselves because ‘SS could have opened them’. She’s just jealous and bitter and nitpicking.

Nasty stepmothers. Criticising the poor martyred nonresident fathers who are merely making an effort with some of their children.

After all, stepfamilies are animal farm. All the children are equal, but the SC are more equal. SMs must treat the children equally - unless it is to the SC’s benefit to not do so. Then they should compensate the SC for having married their father. And fathers in no way should be expected to treat all their own children equally or even fairly. The resident children should simply be grateful that he lives in the same house as them. He doesn’t need to make an effort with them.

Anyone who might object to this is a jealous, bitter SM who should be embarrassed.

The resident children should simply be grateful that he lives in the same house as them. He doesn’t need to make an effort with them.

If Dad is working and commuting, the resident children won't actually see him during the week. He'll be out the door with a slice of toast in his hand at bird call, and not back until snooze o'clock. Dad may even work late Mon-Thurs to get back earlier on Fri to pick up the DSC...

My own adult DSC make very pointed comments about work life balance and how whenever they saw Dad he was on the point of falling asleep!

Yes this! If he had not done the hard slog with the DSC and just swanned in and showered them with stupidly expensive gifts I wouldn't have been interested. One of the many benefits of dating a man with kids is you already get to see their parenting style before you have kids. DH was able to be honest with me and tell me which ages he struggled with his kids so I had a bit of a heads up of when he'd be "useless" so to speak.

I would never want to subject my children to a man moving in to their family home, ever. No blended family crap for us.

but if I met the man of my dreams, I meant absolutely and unequivocal perfection and I was tempted to move him in…. I would slap myself around the face and remember all the mumsnet threads on step families and think “f**k no”. Utterly shit for everyone in overwhelmingly number of cases and mostly, the poor kids involved.

Are you going to go on any other topics and tell them you disagree with their life choices too? Why are step parents fair game?!

Every word of what @FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander said!

Yes.

And that starting early/finishing late except if the SC are going to be there (in which case it’s finishing early and starting late to be there for them) can be even worse when you throw in a mid-week contact.

Then there’s the men who do all this and treat the non-contact weekends as their time off. It’s their weekend to do what they want: go to the gym, go out with friends, sleep in, etc. After all they’re so busy entertaining the SC on those weekends, they deserve the rest and time off.

Meanwhile his younger children are very clearly being shown that they matter less. Dad is only interested in being around for and doing things with his older children. Even quite young children can see the difference.

But, if their mother objects to the second class treatment of the youngest children by their father, she’s just jealous and bitter. He’s a wonderful father - a hero among men - because he is there for the SC.

Meanwhile his younger children are very clearly being shown that they matter less. Dad is only interested in being around for and doing things with his older children. Even quite young children can see the difference.

Although I wonder if the fact the DSC are nonresident is actually not the only (main) reason for this. Dig deeper, and maybe they were uninvolved with the DSC until they reached 7,8 or older. Perhaps they are not interested in doing anything grungey, repetitive or whiney anyway - only the fun stuff?

No judgement

just seems thoroughly shit in vast majority of cases for pretty much everyone involved

Hence - will never happen for me or mine

You’re very aggressive aren’t you. Not just with me but with other posters, and you’re very condescending too. Btw, you mentioned my style of writing was ‘familiar’ , to who?

Good morning, Chippy 😊

Not always - although if they are, then the criticism of their lack of effort with their small children is still clearly legitimate.

But in some cases, the SC are always more interesting and more important. And the time when they’re not there gets treated as his time for himself. Because it’s only actually family time if the SC are there.

Still so many posters see SC and it triggers all the SM tropes, while protecting their husband from completely legitimate criticism. If it were a wife in a nuclear family posting about lack of effort as parent or her husband hugely favouring one child over another, he’d be vilified. But if it’s just a second family, he’s armour plated and she’s just jealous and bitter.

I’m going to repeat what I said, there ARE some lovely Stepmums (and Stepdads)

But, to read on here terms such as ‘operation red carpet’ when referring to a dad spending time with and treating his own children is disgusting, and makes SOME SM’s appear to be bitter and jealous.
A poster has implied that I’ve got no experience about step parenting, so I don’t understand. But I have got experience of children being made to feel unwanted by their SM’s. And I’m talking about more than one family.

I’m not projecting my own experiences, but what I will say is that I’ve heard the term Disney dad being banded around by step parents, when it’s totally uncalled for., like it is on here.
Say for example a dad only sees his DC’s EOW for a few hours or even a whole weekend, that’s not a lot of time they’re together for. (This is the case for the families I know) So dad, who may now have more children with his new partner, decides to make that EOW special for his kids, maybe by arranging a trip to the zoo, cinema, extra treats, you name it. He also may want them to feel special because they barely see him.

Understandably, dad will want to arrange these kinds of treats when he has all his kids together, yet (I know I said I’m not projecting but i should say it from what I’ve experienced) quite often, he’s accused of being a Disney dad by the SM (as on this thread) just because he’s doing this.

Some SM’s would be happy for their dsc’s to be left out, whilst their own dc’s get dads full attention, and when this doesn’t happen, along comes the ‘operation red carpet’ or it’s like ‘waiting for royalty to arrive’ type comments. These comments are spiteful.

And the pp’s who’ve either said those comments (or agreed with them) should consider that maybe one day THEIR own dc’s could have a SM that hates it when they’re in her presence and doesn’t like their dad giving them attention.
Remember, things come back at you.

Good to see this thread is filled with common sense and helpful comments 🙄

I don't want my ex to Disney dad with my Dd as it's harmful parenting. There isn't any excuse other than guilt over a split which only two people were the cause mum and dad

Any parent that thinks this is a good idea is forgetting that dad/mum doesn't need to Disney parent to apologise for the split and probably needs therapy. Regardless if there's a step element or not.

What I meant to add on is this. The difference in these scenarios.

Dad takes his resident children to a park, zoo, cinema, trip to the seaside, spoils them with burgers, sweets ice cream, buys them a new game, buys them toys and so on .
= he’s being a Dad who likes to treat his dc’s. Nothing wrong with that.

Dad does EXACTLY the same things for his NON resident children.
= he’s being a DISNEY dad. According to SOME SM’s that is. Then all sorts of snide and bitchy moans come out.

I’m not projecting my own experiences, but what I will say is that I’ve heard the term Disney dad being banded around by step parents, when it’s totally uncalled for., like it is on here.

You have no idea that it's uncalled for in other people's circumstances and you clearly don't have any feelings experience of situations where it is. You're making yourself look a fool insisting you aren't projecting and that SMs just don't like the SC getting any of their partners attention due to jealousy. Such a waste of everyone's time.

@Blueswedeshoes just to throw in there my Dd does have a sm and she's lovely. And I still don't think Disney parenting a good idea and wouldn't want my ex to act this way, I expect him to parent the good and the bad.

The problem with criterial thinking is you can't do it if you only look at it from one perspective. You have said some sm are great and lovely fine but if you repeatedly call the other side jealous and spiteful your not really seeing the other side are you, let's be ho eat.

I also don't believe it's up to do all mum to do the drudge work and always have to be the boring one. Operation red carpet doesn't treat SC as residents of another home, it treats them as special visitors. Also not every dad only has there kids EOW, life doesn't stop being very other weekend. You can't expect other house to stop either even if visitation is limited. This is what it's meant by operation red carpet.

Oh I'm a sm and also came from a blended family and mum with a sm for my DD and my all accounts I should hate her. But I don't because I care for what's best for my Dd to grow into a decent human.

Operation red carpet is about a state of mind as well as the actions though.

Also

"Dad takes his resident children to a park, zoo, cinema, trip to the seaside, spoils them with burgers, sweets ice cream, buys them a new game, buys them toys and so on .
= he’s being a Dad who likes to treat his dc’s. Nothing wrong with that. "

If a dad did this every time he saw his kids in a nuclear family, I would also say this isn't great. I think you don't know what a Disney dad is because you have no real grasp of what it means tbh.

Read my post carefully. You might understand what I wrote exactly. … I won’t hold my breath though.

Read my post carefully. You might understand what I wrote exactly. … I won’t hold my breath though.

Such blatant hypocrisy from someone who just called another poster condescending.

I read your post. Your lack of meaningful experience and heavy bias was clear throughout, there was nothing deeper to understand.

I won’t respond to you anymore, you obviously can’t grasp where I’m coming from and you’re just spouting word salad trying ( and failing) to make yourself sound plausible.

It sounds like when the kids are there they're treated like visitors, when the household's focus shifts to giving the guests a great time and normal life is set aside. That sounds exhausting! It would be so much better if your DH just acted like they were at home and allowed them to slot into a normal home life.

It must be very frustrating for his ex too knowing the kids get spoilt at their dad's.

Does your DH acknowledge he does this?