Prefer it when DSC aren't here

[Chime11]

Anyone else feel this way?

Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes.

It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here.

It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well.

I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c

Anyone else?

@Blueswedeshoes Says the person clearly on the wrong side of the argument having to ignore the points made by multiple posters clearly demonstrating how foolish you are being.

I don't think one poster ever said it was bad for a dad to take his kids for ice cream or buy them treats so I'm not sure why some people are going off on one.
The problem, and it's really not hard to grasp if you choose to engage your brain, is when he indulges in this to the exclusion of normal actual parenting and the exclusion of his own younger children.
This is never going to lead anywhere good for any of the kids or the second marriage.

@Blueswedeshoes why are you on here? What do you get out of spouting vile on a post that you have absolutely zero experience with?

I’m on here because it came up on my conversations, is it not allowed then for people to post on any thread and on any topic?
and I’m entitled to give my point of view, just like anyone else.

So we've all established that Blueswedeshoes thinks it's good parenting to have no boundaries, rules, bedtimes and allow your kids to eat bags of sweets every night.

Each to their own... I feel for her kids though.

Let's hope their mum doesn't do that too considering she sees them the exact same amount as their Dad does. Dread to see what their teeth at the very least would look like!

So long as they are getting attention though obvs.

I didn’t say anything about not having boundaries, of course kids should have boundaries!
But what I’m trying to say is that according to some SM’s, if their dsc’s get so much as a bloody bag of sweets or a new game then they’re being spoilt !

That's not what anyone is saying though is it? The only time sweets has been mentioned is saying that he gives them share bags of sweets most nights. Are you saying that's okay?

It's also been said he has no boundaries with them, no bedtimes and they get whatever they want. So are you saying that's okay?

Just answer the question. If you don't think that's okay then what's the gripe?

So now my posts have been twisted into making it seem as if I think it’s ok to give sweets and treats constantly. I don’t.

But that's what the thread is about so...?

NO ONE on this thread has suggested that one bag of sweets or a trip to the zoo or the odd treat is a problem. NOT ONE.

Having no boundaries, constant sweets and treats, no bedtimes, no rules etc ... Is the problem people are describing so unless you are suggesting that is okay then I don't understand what your issue is.

Are you being serious?

The OP has implied her dh changes because of the FOCUS he puts on his other kids, even that is a bone of contention.

Although there’s no point in trying to explain things from where I see it, as some of you are determined to be vicious. Get on with it, I pity your poor dsc’s.

How nasty are you, wtf do you mean by that?

According to this SM, it would spoil ANY child to be allowed a whole sharing bag of sweets to eat by themselves ALL IN ONE SITTING. OK, rare occasions, if I'm being soft in my old age, but night after night? How is that at all fair to the child's DM? It's an arms race munitioned with sugar. The battlefield is the DSC's body and it's a battle to the death.

My DSM used to be given loads of chocolates from work, and the boxes piled up uneaten - we were only allowed one chocolate at a time. Years later my teeth are still mine - and I'm grateful that she cared enough to not take the easy road with me.

I just wish she'd disposed of them a little quicker, and then I wouldn't have been so tempted!

Hi all - discussions like this often get heated but we'd like to remind you that Mumsnet is here to make parents' lives easier. While we encourage healthy and robust discussion, we hope that everyone can respect each other in their choices and express their views without resorting to personal attacks. After all, parenting is hard enough without facing judgement and criticism for those choices.

I think kindly put that in a nuclear family if only one child got all the focus and the others weren't treated equally to the child of focus it would cause a problem. That's what op has got a problem with.

Flip it around and actually put DSC as the child that gets less focus than the other kids. That would also be a problem and I imagine people wouldn't be condoning that as good parenting. Why is it one rule for one and one rule for another ?

In DH case it was actively about making the DSC feel ‘special’, a state of being they have consequently looked for in adult life (shock, they’ve been disappointed). Their DM treated them the same way, they’ve been failed all round, tbh. Children are better off being taught coping strategies to build resilience, not zero boundaries and parents acting as friends.

What you’re not understanding is that is exactly what “operation red carpet” entails for many of us - we’re talking from our OWN experiences. We’re not speculating.

In my house it equals:- unlimited junk, if junk is requested and we don’t have it in DH hurries to the shops. We can’t really afford that tbh. The rest of us eat what comes in the weekly shop (and DSS tastes are accounted for in those). Takeaways 2 nights on the trot, our for lunch maybe. Yes DSS is “very overweight” by NHS guidelines so arguably this is pretty harmful.

No boundaries, suddenly we can eat upstairs (we don’t usually allow this because we have new carpets and it gets the beds messy). No please or thank yous. Just “I want”.

Its the ONLY time my DC see their grandparents. Grandparents buy gifts for DSS - not my DC.

Opening siblings presents on their birthdays and Christmas. Why? Well because they want to.

We leave our used crockery wherever it’s used. DH is incapable of tidying this up, just like he’s suddenly incapable of doing any domestic task including wiping his own child’s piss off the toilet seat. This all falls to me.

No help with my own (our) kids but I must be on hand to assist preparing food or assisting with an activity for DSS’ benefit. If cooking dinner, doing the washing etc means I’m not available I’m told Im hostile and not creating a welcoming environment.

This weekend my Dh literally set up an activity for him and DSS and told my son it was just for them. Not him. Then asked ME to remove my son. Of course I declined and said he can take part or they don’t bother.

Its chaotic, tiring, manic. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a really pressured deadline at work that requires a lot of concentration and skill for a demanding client - but it feels a bit like that!

I won’t argue with your experience. It’s perfectly valid, but don’t insult the rest of us by questioning ours.

The difference between this thread and the one about the friend who made up a spiteful lie at 15 on AIBU is eye opening to the assumption that all step parents having issues with sc behaviour are monsters. On that thread posters are saying that the OPs friend can never be trusted, could be a psychopath, stay away from her even though they are adults now. Step parents are expected to let shit slide though!

It's obvious that resentment builds up and sometimes SPs become overwhelmed with it and can't see the wood from the trees. Understanding, empathy and having a supportive partner would go a long way to resolve that.

I'm not sure why SPs are seen as monsters, statistically biological parents are more likely to harm their own dc, emotionally and physically.

Gotta love a randomer who has no experience of step-parenting sticking their oar in.

You’re very aggressive aren’t you. Not just with me but with other posters, and you’re very condescending too. Btw, you mentioned my style of writing was ‘familiar’ , to who?

Where was I aggressive to you or anyone else? If you can show me, I'll gladly apologise.

Okay you've completely made up a scenario that has nothing to do with the OP, simply to fit your narrative.

This particular father in question has his children 50% of the time, and it isn't just about trips out. You really are completely missing the point.

I don't think anyone would disagree if dad has only a few hours a fortnight he should make them special. Not one person here has stated otherwise.