DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

YANBU. I'd be miffed to put my elderly grandmother out at such short notice due to my husbands forgetfulness.

And similarly, my DSC haven't met the majority of my extended family due to distance/covid/lack of gatherings so no, they wouldn't be considered part of their family.

This absolutely

I too am shocked at the level of rudeness on this thread. Of course OP shouldnt have to phone her grandparent at less than a couple of days notice and ask for 2 unexpected guests to be invited. All because her DH couldnt be bothered to even check with her before agreeing to a non emergency request for childcare.

The whole point of contact schedules with divorced families is to allow people to make plans with or without the children. And Op's family had done exactly that.

Get DH to stay and home and look after his kids. I hope you have a fantastic evening celebrating. But please tell your family why he isnt there.

To me it sounds like you are actually pissed off with your DH's ex, and the fact that he's doing her a favour.

The grandparents hardly know the children. OP has said that if it had been their weekend they would have been invited. Her DH appears to prioritise his ex over OP and her family by agreeing to have them at the last minute. Very unfair on the grandmother and just not on.

Either tell ex he can't have them or he stays home with them. No need to stress out grandmother for his selfishness.

Either bring them, and help with food in some way, or leave them and DH at home.

It is fairly last minute but there's enough time to sort food out if they are actually welcome there. Surely these last minute changes of arrangements are just part of being a blended family and it's important to not make the kids feel like they are not welcome just because it's not their usual time there.

"The whole point of contact schedules with divorced families is to allow people to make plans with or without the children. And Op's family had done exactly that."

is that true

I'm not pissed off about doing her a favour. I'm pissed off that he's chosen to do that tomorrow meaning my gran either has to now cater for them when she's already stressed or he can't come when they are expecting him. If we weren't doing anything I'd not have a problem with him having them at all.

Your mum is clearly saying they arent invited. Its probably at a small house if its home cooking. Just tell him you're sorry he cant make it but they haven't been accounted for and will enjoy a pizza and film at home with him more. And smooth it over saying you and him can host a get together with your gran and the step kids another time when there is more time to plan and prepare

One more thing, please, whatever way it works out, do not show any irritation over the situation to your step kids. None of this is of their making and it's too easy for kids to feel guilty for having done absolutely nothing wrong.

Maybe your grandmother won't even mind them coming. Why haven't you called her? It makes no sense- do you want our approval to not take them?

your pick a different kind of occasion for that really.

as a 14 year old, I’d have hated being dropped into a party for my SM’s grandparents who I didn’t know.

im always amazed at how the apparently child-centred ‘they are your family!’ posters routinely fail to even consider the SC’s perspective on things.

As a comprimisrd can't DH just come for say 2 hours with them and bring the extra food and then go home early with them. You stay until you're ready.

Surely it's a well know fact that grans always worry about there not being enough food when in fact there's tons.

Gran has volunteered to cook for a family gathering, she can't be that phased by it. Talk to her and tell her you'll bring something as needed.

It's a strange sort of family where bringing a couple extra needs so much drama imo.

OP has said several times, that her gran will feel that she has to say yes, even though she's already stressed about there not being enough for the people she's actually invited.

Come on now, we all know there's no way that her elderly gran is going to feel able to say no.

I get your point OP but as a pp has said....your husband is doing 2 principled/nice things.

1. Spending more time with his children.
2. Helping out the mother of his children whom, at one time before he had knowledge of you, he loved and made 2 lives with.

The feeling of being slighted can be so frustrating and hurtful but you need to accept that his children are going to be there and find a solution to that problem rather than back tracking to changing something that is really not the worst thing in the world, and is actually kind of your husband. I can guarantee you, you will look back on this inconvenience and think why on earth did I make such a fuss.

Are there never scenarios when your husband has asked his ex to have his kids to fit around you wanting to do something?

There must be at least one.

I think all you can do at this stage is ring the host, explain the situation and ask what she would prefer you to do, giving her the possible options.

How long have they been in your life OP?

This exactly. People saying 'just ask her' as if she'll give me an honest answer. She's too nice to say 'no sorry'.

But please tell your family why he isnt there.

Because he's agreed to have his children over, doesn't make him sound bad tbh. OP even said he probably forgot about the grans thing when he said yes to having them. He's a parent to two other kids, these things can happen. Let him stay home with his children, you and your child go to see gran.

5 years.

Definitely this. Also, my family would be delighted if the portions needed to be eked out and you got less overcooked mush at my gran's.

for example, my sc have never met my nephews. I can’t imagine they ever will tbh. I certainly wouldn’t choose a family party (where my nephews know everyone because it’s their family) to introduce them. That would most definitely make the SC feel as much like outsiders as possible.

This is similar. And their father should actually consider this stuff for himself.

Exactly!
Grab will have been cooking for years and years
I've just found out I have an extra 3 for Sunday roast tomorrow
Am I stressed?
No, I'll peel a few extra potatoes