DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Anything me and DH get invited to, DSS gets an invite too.

My family see him as their family.

Initially I thought poor kids, but tbf it’s not really fair on a stressed gran to land two extra people on her when she’s probably already shopped, doesn’t have enough space, etc, whoever those extra two guests are.

Id give her the option. Say that it’s totally up to her and dh is more than happy to stay at home. If she chooses to say yes, then help her make it easy on her.

Why wouldn't she be able? Not like op will be offended by it. So much drama. She can say 'no, too short notice, next time they're welcome', bloody hell.

The whole point...? 😆

Why did you post op?
Youve been given lots of suggestions and dismissed every one
So your step kids arent your family and that's the way you like it just admit it

Are there never scenarios when your husband has asked his ex to have his kids to fit around you wanting to do something?

Of course. But if she's busy she has no issue saying no!

I don't blame you for being cross. Your DH is out of order for saying yes to his ex when you already had plans.
You don't have much choice so you'll have to go alone with your DC and he will have to stay at home with the kids.

So one of the kids was only 6 when you first entered their life and you've helped raise them both for 5 years but don't class them as close family or made the effort to incorporate them into your wider family fully?

Seems strange tbh but if that's the case they're better off spending the day with just their dad. Seems like he's bothered about them.

THIS.

Or alternatively, have them join your family for pre-dinner canapés or starters (bring a platter!); they and DH leave before dinner/main course.
Or DH and DSC eat at home and join you all for dessert (he brings a Tiramisu or something).

This way your grandmother won't get stressed, and the stepchildren are less likely to get bored.

The issue isn’t the dinner. The issue is treating your step children like second class citizens. They should know your family. Relationships have clearly been handled badly

I didn't say I don't see them as close family. But I don't think my wider family who they don't really know has to see them as such no.

Another vote for him staying home.

Good opportunity for him to have one on one time with his DCs rather than them coming along so a family gathering where they hardly know anyone and the hostess seems stressed by their company ( which is fine as presumably they already have two sets of GPs).

Sorry if I have missed it somewhere, but is he refusing to do that ?

Would they have been included if it was a contact weekend?

It does seem odd to me that they barely know your parents.

Does he often do stuff for his ex when you already have plans?

I mean you & your child can still go & spend time with your family so does it matter that much or is it a long line of being made to feel 2nd best?

Step children are part of the family here but I agree a day notice is tricky. I’m confused at an 11 year old being described as a teen! As you don’t want to take them with food or feed them before can you get a sitter? Otherwise best option your dh stays home. Sounds like it would be a relief for you mr grandparents to have one less guest anyway. He is the kids father so has some responsibility to care for them even if it’s not the ‘right day’

Why don't you offer to go round early and help her cook? I love it when GS comes to cook with me. You could ask what is on the menu and take some extra.

It could be a nice opportunity for your family and the step children to get to know each other better.

My ex lived 200 miles away from me, his family included kids from my 2nd marriage and my husband's family included my kids from my first marriage. It can be really nice for everyone to get to know each other.

@Gathering1

It seems like you’re making excuses. Couldn’t you simply call your gran and explain the new circumstances and ask? And ask what you could bring in regards to extra food?

I think we’re all getting the impression you don’t care much for your step-children and don’t want to include them whatsoever.

@Gathering1 has clearly said that they organise the time so that the SC’s contact time is spent seeing DH’s family (the SC’s family!). They do her family stuff when the SC aren’t there.

That means the OP has been prioritising the SC’s need to know their paternal family and limiting her own time with her family to fit around that. For 5 years.

But hey, she’s a terrible person for not having forced them to go along to her family stuff instead of centring it around them and their needs.

Obviously I don't know your family and situation, and do not want to give your gran a coronary, but this does come across as somewhat patronising to your gran. She has been in the world long enough to know that families are complicated, children need to be cared for, situations change and plans fall through. You could suggest to her the two options you are facing - leave your DH and his children behind, or bring all the children. She might have a preference.

If there is a practical problem with there being enough food, definitely offer to bring extra. Also, suggest to your DH and his stepchildren that they use this opportunity to get to know your side of the family rather than anticipating that they behave like sulky teenagers.

The situation reads as if you want to annex your stepkids from getting to know your side of the family, which does not seem wise to me, and then frame the whole thing as your DH's fault for agreeing to take care of his own children. The point of shared care arrangements is not competitive who can care the least, he is the natural go-to if the children's mother cannot take care of them. Yes, it is rude to invite someone last minute to a sit down dinner but the world is imperfect.

I am going to weigh in in support of OP here.

my aunt remarried several years ago and now has step children. They are adults - so slight different.

I don’t consider them part of my family. She might does include them in her definition of her family - but the wider family don’t. I have met them once at the wedding.

we have family gatherings regularly. Her husband is of course invited but his children are not. I have never given this any real thought until now. But surely extended family don’t have to consider step children of relatives as close family members unless they have an actual relationship with them?

So that's not a no. And your husband didn't think it would be a problem for his children to accompany him and his wife and their sibling to a family event.

Unless you are really going to hurt your husband's feelings and say, in future, his children aren't welcome at family events, it is difficult to see how you can allow this kind of situation in the future.

I'm going off subject.....please ask your husband to help you find a solution to this issue to lessen the stress on Granny and make the children feel included.

I think occasional short-notice changes in arrangements are part and parcel of being in a blended family tbh. Your family may not know your DSC well, but they do know you're a stepparent and that your DH has older children, so it really shouldn't come as a cataclysmic shock to anyone that they're going to be there. You're making a mountain out of a molehill over the food and the stress to your grandmother (she's an adult - and you can help work around the food issue, if you want to) because YOU resent having to accommodate your DSC's mother's plans, and you think your DH should have put you first. You're being quite childish. And the 11yo isn't a teenager - not even close.

OK so what's your solution OP. DH should have said no, but he didn't, so his DC will be with you. What do you want to happen?

I don’t think you are being nice. You’re a blended family. These children should be important to you. If they aren’t welcome then you shouldn’t go either.

Why should they know their stepmother’s family? Why would they even care about that?

If their experience of contact has been 5 years of spending time with their dad and SM as a family, and ensuring they see their paternal family, that’s lovely for them. Why would we even assume they’d want to have their limited time with their father taken up with seeing their SM’s family?

If you take off the nuclear family/evil SM goggles, it makes perfect sense (and is very kind) that the SM has been prioritising the SC and their family over her own family during contact time. That means her family have no relationship with the SC but that’s really not the important thing.

Get a babysitter for the teens - pushover DH pays.