DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

[Blendiful]

@ImAvingOops

People on here are fucking batshit crazy! Of course Yanbu to not want to dump two extra guests on your gran - it's her event, she gets to decide the guest list!

In every family there are people that are close family to some members but barely acquaintances to others - this is normal, it's not a flight on anyone.

For the posters trying to shame the gran for not getting to know these kids, stop being so moronic - the gps are under no moral obligation to get to know (or become close family to) kids they barely see and who aren't their own family - you'll be saying the gps should leave them equal inheritances to their actual grandchildren next! The only obligation extended families have is to be kind when in the company of said children.

OP, I think your husband should be consulting you about any arrangements he makes which are outside of your norm. That's basic consideration for you as his partner. It's him who you need to be talking to bollocking right now. Leave him at home to mind his own kids or tell him he has to tell his ex he clocked up and can't do it!

My thoughts too!

Both grandparents for us would make DSC welcome but they have totally different relationships with them, to their own grandkids! That is normal.

My family have know my kids since birth, they are MY kids they love them like family.

My DPs kids they have known a few years and they belong to my DP who they don't love like family either. They like him and he's my partner but they don't have the same feelings. Again totally normal.

I think the OP is NBU for not wanting to take them even if gran said it's ok, it's a close family event and sometimes it's ok to just want to do stuff with your own children without having others there who most likely don't want to be there either. It changes the dynamic. It's almost the same as if I went on a night out with my friends but brought my DP. I don't love him any less because I don't want him there, but if I want a night out with mates I plan that for when he's not there, because that's how I want it. And that's ok. Same goes vice versa.

People are so unrealistic sometimes

[pitchforksandflamethrowers]

976 and counting people haven't grasped the event is been and gone.

I now also know that no one not even a elderly relative can have a party for her self and invite guests she wants without someone going omg teenage DSC are being excluded.

Ignoring the very awkward truth that teenagers would prefer to pull teeth out then go to a event like this. So it's not really about the kids is it.

Fml

[pitchforksandflamethrowers]

Also to the people who don't agree with blended families.. you entitled to your opinion but the cold hard fact is the number step/blended families is growing at a rapid rate. And there's shit all you can do about it because you may decide to never blend .. doesn't mean your ex won't.

That fact will really bug some of you and I hope it causes a ounce the discomfort you have subjected op too, what goes around comes around ect

[WhatNoRaisins]

The thing with blended families is you and your partner can decide to blend and that all children will be treated "like family" but you've no control over what your extended family doe a in regard to stepchildren.

[Coffeepot72]

The whole blended family thing is so false and artificial, there are plenty of people who aren’t close to their blood relatives, and that’s quite accepted, but for some reason a step child has to take centre stage in our lives and our hearts …

No wonder it often doesn’t work!

[Willyoujustbequiet]

Yabu and ridiculous

[aSofaNearYou]

@Willyoujustbequiet

Yabu and ridiculous

Such enlightening insight!

[TwoDots]

I literally can’t believe this thread. So much hate!

Op, I’m so sorry you’ve had this level of response negative and that thus happened in the first place. You are defo not unreasonable. Your DH has messed up.

The hypocrisy on this thread is painful. Normally SM should step back and allow the SK their time with their DF, but on here how dare your grandmother not have a close relationship with them. One commenter even said in the same sentence “step back and treat them like close family” or words to that effect. Literally, what?! Bonkers

And your DH is being a great dad for dropping his pre planned event to take the kids, but the mum gets her social event and is still a great mum it would seem.

Some peoples views on here don’t make logical sense.

I hope your grandparents had a great anniversary

[funinthesun19]

The hypocrisy on this thread is painful. Normally SM should step back and allow the SK their time with their DF, but on here how dare your grandmother not have a close relationship with them.

Normally it’s super important that stepchildren get time alone with their fathers. But it’s funny how it’s not quite so important when the SM and her children are out and about doing things, like visiting SM’s family (don’t mean this thread), or they’ve gone out for the day.

[Frankola]

How long have you been with your DH that his children don't know your family enough to come to something like this?

To me (I'm a step mum) it shouldn't be an issue to take your step kids to this kind of thing.

However I do see they're teens. So I'm quite confused that they can't be left alone for a few hours. I assume that's down to your DH. So I think you should speak to him about that because that's a bit silly of him.

[Gathering1]

A lot of replies since I last looked!

Thanks for those who asked, we had a lovely night and Gran and Grandpa had a great one which was the main thing.

So far DSC not required therapy because they didn't come. Think they pretty much stayed in their room all evening playing Xbox with their mates from the sounds of it.

And to answer PPs shock, no we don't hold huge family gatherings at our house when DSC are here so they can get to know everyone. In fact I don't think we've ever hosted anything, I'm not a host sort of person. They do stay nearly 50% but as I say, one week that is during the week so with school there isn't time for anything else and the week after its weekend so still only have EOW to see their own family. It's not a priority for anyone (my family or DSC) really to see each other often, still don't think that's hugely strange.

[HumptyDumpty2022]

My step children are not my close family. I am NC with one. My family invited her to a very close family event last year. She ruined it for me. There’s often more to a story thank what appears obvious.

[Solonge]

I think you have your answer....your husband will have to stay home with the children. These things happen....in the best most organised families. Dont catastrophise it....its one night...dinner with your family.

[diddl]

@Solonge

I think you have your answer....your husband will have to stay home with the children. These things happen....in the best most organised families. Dont catastrophise it....its one night...dinner with your family.

It happened 4 days ago!

[HappyStep1]

@Gathering1
I read all of the thread, unsurprising you got such a battering, SMs rarely get away with doing something wrong, you either hate/don't care for DSChildren or overstep/undermine their DM/try to become their DM.

Many years ago my DSC were invited to a family event at my parents house as it was DPs weekend and my DM didn't want to exclude them, (she grew up having to visit her Dad in a hostile environment with SM who actively disliked her).
When the DSC DM found out she went berserk, they were not my family, never would be and DP was banned from ever allowing them to attend any such gathering again.

So glad your Grandparents had the lovely day they had planned and wanted, shame your DH had to miss out. I also agree you should consider if you want to attend all his family gatherings but, and I am cringing just saying this, do what is in the best interest of your child, and if that is in your interest too, all good.