DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

[Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas]

11 is not a teenager.

[FlatBottomedGirl]

@Gathering1 it's not about her plans being more important. Your DH has told her he'll take the kids now so why should she have to change her plans because he stuffed up the dates. The step kids could come with you, if you'd rather they didn't for whatever reason they stay at home with their Dad, that's your choice.

[ilovemyboys3]

Yea I think it's unreasonable to invite them along short notice. Regardless of who they are, anyone extra coming this late would be rude. Your DH is out of order for agreeing to having the children when he already has plans. I would suggest to him that he finds childcare whilst you are out or ask your gran whether they can come and if it's a no then he should tell his ex he can't have them. I also feel it's rude for your DH to not come now. It's setting a president that his children come before you as a family.

[Keepyoursarcasmtoyourself]

You should just explain to him that you are intending on ousting them from being part of his family so in future he will need to get permission from you, that probably won't be granted, when he would like to look after his own children.

[Sunbird24]

So they were supposed to be with their mum this weekend and you (quite reasonably) had plans that didn’t involve them, only now their mum has also made plans and wants their dad to have them?

YANBU. Either he tells her he can’t help this time as his plans pre-date hers, or he sucks it up and stays home/does something else with them. Either way it shouldn’t be allowed to stress out your grandparents.

If their mum had made plans for a weekend they were due to be with you, and you decided you were doing something else and they couldn’t come, what would she do?

[Gathering1]

@MultiBird

Gosh, imagine being married to a man who wants to help the mother of his children and spend time with his kids. It must be awful

I don't have a problem with him helping her. But when he's already committed to plans with my family why do her plans come before that?

[SnowWhitesSM]

Honestly I'm usually so so so on the step parents side after being with a Disney dad but I do think you need to take a step back here and include them. Plans changed, tell you dp to grab something extra to bring with you to fill up the plates and a big bunch of flowers to say thank you to your gran. I was filled with bitterness and resentment when I wad a step parent but being annoyed about this would have never crossed my mind.

[custardbear]

They are your kids, your family should be including them also. How shitty is it to have 1 child invited and two others excluded ... YADBU I take it your mum and dad didn't divorce so you've never felt second best or excluded because of your crappy step parent/family

[AnnaFF]

@Mammyloveswine

Bloody hell your poor step children if you don't consider them "close family"... appalling!

I'm a stepmother and I find it appalling. You are married to their Father. They were there first. My SC are absolutely close family.

[FlatBottomedGirl]

@Sunbird24

So they were supposed to be with their mum this weekend and you (quite reasonably) had plans that didn’t involve them, only now their mum has also made plans and wants their dad to have them?

YANBU. Either he tells her he can’t help this time as his plans pre-date hers, or he sucks it up and stays home/does something else with them. Either way it shouldn’t be allowed to stress out your grandparents.

If their mum had made plans for a weekend they were due to be with you, and you decided you were doing something else and they couldn’t come, what would she do?

But the DH didn't say no to the ex which would have been reasonable. He said yes. So now it's his problem.

[ilovemyboys3]

I disagree completely. It depends whether the step children live with her, or if it's a once a week visit. Also depends how long they've been in each other's lives. Teenagers don't usually want to visit their own grandparents let alone their step mums granny. I think the DH is at fault and I would be asking him to tell their mum he can't have them.

[Ohhhhladz]

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them. This is the crux of the problem. In an emergency of course the children will come to him/you and that may mean changes of plans. But if his ex is asking for a favour because she's made/wants to make voluntary plans, your H should be checking with you before saying yes - even if he somehow doesn't know that plans have already been made for the date.

Under the circumstances, you would be unreasonable (probably) to basically tell your gran with less than a day's notice that there'll be two more people at her dinner .... but from what you've said here, you're correct, it's not OK and it's a little odd that your H seems oblivious to the fact that he's being - and encouraging you to be - rude.

[Gathering1]

@Keepyoursarcasmtoyourself

You should just explain to him that you are intending on ousting them from being part of his family so in future he will need to get permission from you, that probably won't be granted, when he would like to look after his own children.

What are you talking about? He doesn't need permission. But yeah I expect him to consider plans he's already made with other people before he agrees to do his ex a favour. Is that unusual?

[Icansleep]

Feed all the kids before you go and then they can just sit on their phones or watch TV while you all eat dinner

[FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander]

ah the usual responses…

The SC are not necessarily part of the OP’s extended family. She’s explained that her family get fitted into the non-contact time with the SC and contact time is used to facilitate contact with their (her DH’s) family. That’s really common.

Stepfamilies are not like nuclear families. There are a whole range of different relationships (and non-relationships) as the ‘families’ of the people involved don’t align.

@Gathering1 Youre not being unreasonable. Your DH should stay at home with his kids since he’s decided to help his ex out. It’s a shame that he’s ducking out of an event for your grandparents but he’s chosen to do that.

[Gathering1]

@AnnaFF

I'm a stepmother and I find it appalling. You are married to their Father. They were there first. My SC are absolutely close family.

Right... But it's not up to me to invite them. It's not my dinner!

[Happierthanever91]

Why don't you just ask your Gran is it's too late to cater? I don't know what the issue is. Also only one is a teenager, an 11 old is a child. It's really sad that they are being spoken about like distant family members. I'd be so upset if my DPs family spoke about my DD in the same way. You're a family

[Gathering1]

@Icansleep

Feed all the kids before you go and then they can just sit on their phones or watch TV while you all eat dinner

No. That's not fair on my gran who has planned this dinner with us including our child.

[MultiBird]

Why can't teenagers spend one evening at home alone? Order them pizza, everyone's happy.

[NeedMoreMilk]

@Keepyoursarcasmtoyourself

You should just explain to him that you are intending on ousting them from being part of his family so in future he will need to get permission from you, that probably won't be granted, when he would like to look after his own children.

He’s not wanting to just look after them though, is he? He’s wanting to bring them to a meal that someone is hosting in their home without actually checking with that person that it’s OK. It would be very different if it was a buffet in the garden, but this is a sit down meal that has been planned in advance.

I am amazed that anyone thinks this is reasonable behaviour from the OP’s husband!

[FlatBottomedGirl]

@MultiBird

Why can't teenagers spend one evening at home alone? Order them pizza, everyone's happy.

An 11 year old is not a teenager. The gathering is at a distance.

[Gathering1]

@Happierthanever91

Why don't you just ask your Gran is it's too late to cater? I don't know what the issue is. Also only one is a teenager, an 11 old is a child. It's really sad that they are being spoken about like distant family members. I'd be so upset if my DPs family spoke about my DD in the same way. You're a family

Because I know she's too nice to say how she feels but when I spoke to my mum about it she said she (gran) was stressing about the food already. I don't want to put pressure on her now at such short notice.

If they barely see them why would they see them as close family? My DSC don't see them as close family either.

[MultiBird]

@Gathering1

No. That's not fair on my gran who has planned this dinner with us including our child.

Now you're just looking for reasons solutions won't work

[99ProblemsButAFartAintOne]

How long have you been in the step kids lives?

[THisbackwithavengeance]

Can't believe people are suggesting that the DH should refuse to have his his own kids.

Why can't you ring your Gran, tell her the situation. I'm sure she's well mannered enough to tell you, no problem and to bring the kids. You can bring extra food if you want.