DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Leave your DH and step kids at home. Problem sorted. Your DH stuffed up dates, they either come or stay at home, you choose.

I didn't say that.

But as it's not my event, the "close family" doesn't include them as the person who's occasion it is doesn't know them very well. They aren't my grans close family. My mother in law is my close family, but she isn't my grans so wouldn't be invited to anything she hosted, same thing.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Even if they were your own children it would be unreasonable to announce with a days notice that you’re bringing two extra teens to a meal when the numbers and menu have already been planned and probably shopped for. It’s not fair on your grandparents to have the stress of catering for two extra people regardless of who they are at such short notice, it might be different if it were an emergency but it’s not and so it will come across as incredibly rude to bring them along, either without pizza.

I think the obvious solution is for your DH to stay at home with them and for you to attend with your DC as it will be less stressful for your grandparents to have one less person to cater for than two extras.

Yabu for not considering your step children close family.
yanbu in that it would be unfair to bring 2 extra guests along if it’s going to cause your Nan stress. Your dh should have told his ex he had plans, or stay at home with them/take them out for dinner while you go to your grandparents as planned.

Or he could just tell his ex he can't have them. We weren't supposed to have them, why are her plans more important?

Yes it's not ideal at short notice, but I'm very glad I come from a family where family are always welcome and that includes step, half, uncle Johnnie's wife's second cousin twice removed. Since extra veg/salad, or a pizza for the DC no one would ever be made to feel like an irritant.

You need to adjust your attitude to those children, you chose to procreate with a man who already has children and quite rightly is present in their lives, if you didn't want that complication you should've made other choices.

I don’t think your step children are at all the same as your MIL .

It was wrong of him to invite them, and could maybe stay at home with them? But I do agree it's a strange set up.

They are to my wider family though who barely know them. I don't think it's wrong for them to not consider them their close family. DSC don't consider my gran their close family either ha.

I’m assuming that your gran didn’t intentionally organise this meal for a weekend when your step children aren’t with you? So it’s not an issue that they weren’t originally invited, it just happened that your grandparents anniversary fell on a weekend when they were with their mum.

You’re correct (IMO) that you can’t just ‘tell’ a host that you’re suddenly bringing extra people to a gathering, even if they are children. If she’s specifically bought enough ingredients for a sit down meal then this could mess with her plans. Could you or your husband offer to pick up some extra bits for her?

What's strange about it? My gran and most of my family live about an hour away. We don't prioritise going to see them when my husband's kids are here as understandably that's his time to spend doing things with them or visiting his own family, not going visiting my grandparents. I don't think it's that odd that they don't know them well.

Yeah it just fell on a weekend they weren't here. If it had been another weekend I would have said 'X and Y are with us then is that alright' and I'm sure with notice she'd have said yes. But the day before when I know she's already stressed about it I think it's shitty.

I'd let them come cut pick up a pizza along the way so your gran doesn't have to stretch her food

I was a stepchild and my stepmother was 18 years younger than my Dad. I say this because her family had many reasons to be cautious. And it was pre-divorce Ireland. However, my step mother’s family couldn’t have been more welcoming and warmer to me and my sister. We were at many family gatherings, two shy, socially awkward girls, but we were never made to feel unwelcome. I will never forget that kindness and my stepmother’s mother died last year and I just remembered how generous and kind she was. Be that person. Just be nice to those children.

If they're teens, leave them at home.

I do think you should consider them close family, but as they're not and it's last minute let them stay at home. No teen wants to go to an anniversary meal for people they don't know.

And agree I can't just tell her they are coming and I'll bring some pizzas. One it's not up to me to tell her who's coming and secondly that would be very awkward, us all having a sit down meal and them eating pizza or sandwiches we'd brought. It would make my gran feel worse I imagine and like she had to sort their food so it wasn't weird.

Why would it be a given? They weren't due to be with us tomorrow.

Oh FFS that didn't take long!
The DSC are not close family of the woman doing the hosting and the cooking!
Why would it be assumed that they have a particular close relationship with the grandparents of their step mother?
It's already going to be ten people, for all we know that's already pushing it, it certainly would be in my house which is fairly decent in the downstairs social space department. Now this twit wants to shoe horn in another two who aren't even little kiddies who could maybe be sorted with a picnic on the living room floor! It's not a reasonable ask at this stage, no.

Just be nice to those children

How am I not being nice? It's not my place to invite them!

You need to explain to him that they'd be more than welcome if your gran knew in plenty of time that they were coming. But that you can't just turn up with two extra people at short notice, when an elderly person is already stressed about the meal.

Keep the conversation to the practical, and not the personal. It's not about the 'step' relationship. You can't just invite two more people to someone else's event with less than 24 hours' notice. It's that simple.

YABU this is his children teenagers or not there his kids and if your family would really be that bothered about your step children attending then maybe none of you should go I have a 24 year old step son 11 years older than my own children and my mother said he couldn’t come for Christmas Dinner so none of us went my DH was happy with my decision . Step children are apart of your family and if you don’t feel that way or willing to make your husband unhappy about the situation over a poor excuse about a little bit of food.

If you've been with your husband long enough to be married and have kids together, then you should bollock your family for not knowing them well enough. I appreciate its 2 extra people who your gran hasn't factored in enough food for, but that should be the only issue here, and one you can fix by offering more ingredients for. These kids are your family, would you feel the same if your the family excluded a child you'd given birth too?

Gosh, imagine being married to a man who wants to help the mother of his children and spend time with his kids. It must be awful

11 isn't a teen or even a young teen.