DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

@AMindNeedsBooks because it's massively rude not to check with both adult parties involved on the other side when you want to change child care at the very last minute. If she were married to this man for any length of time herself she must know that he's vague and flakey when it comes to social engagements. OP says they get along well so why not consult with both?

Just a thought, but why don’t you ring the DSC’s mum yourself and explain, apologetically but firmly that your dozy husband ” you know what he’s like don’t you” had forgotten/didn’t check the wall calendar/diary but you are already committed to your Grandma’s do and would be away for the day so sorry you can’t have the kids that day.

Agree with everyone who has said its strange that 5 years later your DSC have no relationship with their srepsiblings grandparents... Do you never host things at your house where they would all be together? Strange.

It's not strange at all when people live a distance away and don't have a massive house. When my family come to stay, and my DSS comes to stay, they stay in the same room as each other - our one spare room. So they don't come over at the same time. It's not a difficult logic to understand.

@aSofaNearYou one hour is not what I would consider a massive distance whatsoever

The event was yesterday!

Your husbands an idiot. Don’t know why so many people are having a go at you about it!

Depends on the people. We live an hour away from my DSS and he never comes over for less than an overnight stay because he considers that to be a long drive. My DPs parents are similar, they don't like travelling far.

My parents live considerably further away but if they were coming to an event that was an hour away at a relatives house, they would naturally expect to stay the night.

It's amazing how many unnecessary, personal comments have been made, no doubt from people who wouldn't say anything to the OP's face. People can be vile.

Yes this is such an important point.

It's interesting that so many people are (often rightly) outraged when families try to blend too quickly. With many saying that there should be a period of several years before kids are even introduced - and yet on this thread there's absolute fury that the step-teen / tweens aren't entirely embedded into stepmum's wider family network already.

Every set up is different. But certainly for us, it was a long old battle before mum would allow the kids to meet me let alone my family.

Now we're working towards them meeting my parents. This is not moving quickly because as I've expressed, their mum is v anti, and the teens are happy to, but not if it causes a battle with her.

And also they're not overly fussed anyway to gain random extra step-grandparents. However, I know my mother in particular wants to meet them, as she knows how important they are to me.

My grandparents (their step GGPs) are just such a long way down this process that quite honestly I will be surprised if they're still in the picture. They're very elderly, and seem very remote to SDs.

Like I've said, we work very hard to try and take these steps in the right way, and so the girls feel comfortable.

I'm not going to force them on outings to meet my family, particularly not when a five-hour round trip is involved. We will get there, but under the right circs.

And quite clearly that would not be a very very last minute addition to a formal sit down celebratory dinner, where they're stuck on the sofa eating a pizza because there's not enough food and feeling awkward as hell because they don't know anyone in the room. (Not to mention the stress on poor old granny).

That doesn't mean they aren't my close family - they are, I adore them. My relationship with them is both cherished and precious. But these things are nuanced and hard and take time. And the amount of frankly absurd abuse that OP has had on this thread is just so horrific.

I agree that your husband should have honoured his initial plans if his ex wanted to swap for a social reason. Also you did not want to put excess stress on your gran by inviting 2 last minute guests. You have done the right thing leaving DH at home and need to speak to him about it not being acceptable to make other non-urgent plans over your current plans.

I just wanted to add something going forward. I was a stepchild with an amazing stepmother. I never felt "less than" her children with my dad. However I barely knew her family, despite them marrying when I was 3. They would arrange plans with her family around my visits. As a result I felt not part of the family properly. My half siblings would discuss people I didn't know and, when older, would go to their house to play with cousins and I would either go and feel awkward or not be invited. As we had no relationship it made me feel excluded from our small family unit in some ways and not properly part of the family. So it may be a good idea to include your step children in some events you organise (obviously not just invite them to other peoples events). Even if you feel they would be bored it will be good for their relationship with you and their siblings in the future.

Yeah but do you not think the SCs have things they'd rather do on their time with their dad than spend time with OP's family?

Unless you live really nearby each other so it's easy to pop in and out in passing, chances are when SCs are around lots of families either spend time with just them or spend time with the SC's grandparents.

My SCs would not want to spend a day with my family rather than doing something with their own nan and grandad, who they only get to see when they're with DP.

If your gran is stressing about not having enough food already, then this is actually the perfect opportunity to relieve her of that stress. Nobody would expect her to have catered for two unexpected guests, so you get pizza for all of the kids and there will be plenty of your gran's food left for the adults.

Do your extended family really not see your stepchildren as an integral part of your family? I can't imagine anyone thinking that it would be cheeky to ask if you can bring your stepchildren with you to a family occasion. They are not just randoms from off the street. As long as there is plenty of food to go around, why on earth wouldn't they be welcome?

Do your extended family really not see your stepchildren as an integral part of your family? I can't imagine anyone thinking that it would be cheeky to ask if you can bring your stepchildren with you to a family occasion. They are not just randoms from off the street.

But it just completely depends on the set-up of your step-family, they are all so different. I feel like lots of people commenting just imagine that the majority operate like a nuclear family, but in reality most don't.

When my SCs are with us, we do things that revolve around them and take the opportunity to take them to spend time with their own family. They have met my parents and sister in passing but we'd never expect them to spend a significant part of their time with their dad with them, unless it was literally our wedding or something...and even then their family would also be there.

There aren't really any natural times where my SCs and my family are together and it would be a pretty rubbish weekend for my SCs if we did make them come over to my parents' house for a few hours regularly.

If your gran is stressing about not having enough food already, then this is actually the perfect opportunity to relieve her of that stress. Nobody would expect her to have catered for two unexpected guests, so you get pizza for all of the kids and there will be plenty of your gran's food left for the adults.

And here is yet another post in which the gran is not allowed to decide how she would like to celebrate her special event in her own home.

Just shove over Gran, and let somebody else take over. I know it's your Diamond Wedding, but you're really not the most important person here, you know.

As well as the fact that stepchildren often have very little to do with their step parents family and for reasons many have explained already this is perfectly normal, getting pizza would offend many people when they've cooked dinner, it wouldn't be a stress reliever.

I guess different people have different concepts of what family means. Personally, I can't imagine family members being unwelcome at family occasions. And I would not be willing to blend families unless everyone was genuinely bought into the idea of actually being one family. Others clearly see it differently, which is fair enough.

I'm assuming your not in a blended family.
This is why it's strange to you.

I'm pretty sure if I watched a surgeon at work you think some of the things they do are strange and you couldn't wrap your head around it. That doesn't mean why they are doing is wrong.

The question was on step parenting board not aibu for a reason.

Did your H actually refuse to simply call his X & say, "oh God, I've messed up my diary, we have a oldies family event this w/e, & I forgot, the SC will bored stupid, Can I help pay for a babysitter instead?

OP there’s a distinct sense of ‘it’s my way or the highway’ because you are just counteracting every suggested compromise. You seem to be on here to get everyone to agree with you so that you feel justified in insisting your DH tells his ex that he can’t have the kids. He’s not really doing her a favour - he’s having his own kids!

On a day they were supposed to be with her when he had plans they couldn't come to. Not very sensible planning really.

The perfect solution!

Leave dh at home with his dc

How long have you been on Mumsnet?!!! It must be pretty obvious that many people here 'don't hold with blended families. It doesn't sit right with me....'

Sadly, most of us will have a relative or two in that category. The older they are, the more likely. You can't pick your relatives. I heard that very phrase from one of mine the other day, not about my DSC, fortunately, but still...

OP how did your Grandparent’s anniversary go? Hope you all had a lovely time.

And your DH and his kids- did they all survive?

You can't just gatecrash someone's party with pizza. So rude. Why does the host not get a say in any of this?!