DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

Exactly that. The great grandmother is being totally ignored here (apart from the criticism of her for not finding the catering a breeze and being able to fashion two more portions out of nowhere).
OP's stepkids (who almost certainly won't want to go anyway) are apparently WAY more important than the person who's celebration this is, and who had invited the people that she loves and wants to be there.

I'm imagining the OP from a MNer who's hosting celebration dinner party for eight of her closest family, asking if she's being unreasonable to be annoyed when one of them gives her 12 hours notice that they're going to be bringing two teenagers that she doesn't know. Somehow I think they'd get a lot bit sympathy than this elderly woman who was about to be put in this position.

This thread is bonkers.

• An OP full of a hundred and one excuses, dancing around the fact that she just doesn't want them there instead of just coming out and saying it
• All the step mums jumping to her defence and shouting from the rooftops giving off about the mum and how life is so unfair for them being always being treated so horrendously
• People who haven't read the thread at all and haven't realised the event has probably taken place already
• People who can't imagine a family set up that differs in any way from their own
• Child psychologists, spouting that not hanging out with their step great granny will damage these poor kids beyond repair

This thread just feels this it's been dragged on unnecessarily. OP isn't even replying anymore. It's just angry step mums responding to everyone and anyone.

Because the invitation was for the family. If it wasn't then extended to my child, I'd be very upset. DH sees my son as his child and wouldn't fathom going to an event where other children in the family were invited but not ours

I had step children for ten years that didn’t know any of my family and I was very happy with that. They were a right pair that only came to see their dad for money then buggered of back to Wales as I gladly waved them goodbye. They were his to deal with, not mine. I left him in the end and it was 50% due to those two.

Hope you're having a good time Op, whatever was decided!

All the step mums jumping to her defence and shouting from the rooftops giving off about the mum and how life is so unfair for them being always being treated so horrendously

I can assure you I'm not a stepmother. Fuck that.

People who can't imagine a family set up that differs in any way from their own I think this is the main issue

It’s very odd your step children aren’t included in your family. An hour is not a long journey. At Christmas do they not get gifts from your family? They are your dh’s in-laws. I would have expected the invitation to include the children straight off, and then oh dear they can’t make it OR did you seek out a weekend when the step children weren’t around?

DH sees my son as his child and wouldn't fathom going to an event where other children in the family were invited but not ours

Even if it was an elderly relative of your husband that your child had shown absolutely zero interest in until that point, and had no real relationship with? That's a bit precious.

The step kids gain nothing

My DD gained a stepmum who she gets on great with, and 3 half siblings (2 on her dad's side and 1 on mine), all of whom she adores. She also gained 2 parents who were a million times happier and content apart than together - I'm pretty sure having 2 content, relaxed parents living separately is better than parents living together who are tense and unhappy most of the time. It's such a silly stereotype that children who are from separated homes are automatically damaged in some way. On the contrary, they can in fact be happier and better adjusted as a result of their parents being happier and home life being less tense.

So, what happened then?

All the step mums jumping to her defence and shouting from the rooftops

😂 I find hyperbole so fascinating. SMs are not just joining the debate like everyone else and giving their opinions, they are "shouting from the rooftops".

😂

Also a bit unfair on the stepchild to drag them to an event where they know no one

@Gathering1 This is entirely your DH’s fault, he should stay at home with them, have a lovely time, apologise to your GPs for being a knob and ‘forgetting’ what was planned.

I can’t believe some of the stuff I’ve read here! I had a SM and SF, have had a SC from my first marriage (we catch up occasionally, it was a looong time ago and we live in different countries), and have a SC from my late husband (who I see regularly).

Anyone who thinks adding an 11 and 14 year old to a small, sit down dinner party is a ‘lovely way to bring them closer to your family’ is quite mad. It’s a tiny, intimate setting, your GPs anniversary. If, however, it were a bigger event, where there were more kids and a far less formal setting - brilliant, and completely different!

I (and indeed my SD, I’ve just asked her) would have been utterly miserable if made to go along to this little dinner party in the circumstances you describe. Seating them at the table will make them feel super awkward, sitting them elsewhere with their own food will make EVERYONE feel super awkward.

Your DH has fucked up, and he needs to own that. However, this is a great opportunity to learn, and look ahead: please try to plan some fun, no pressure stuff with your side of the family (even better, joined up with his side too) that involves everyone, and doesn’t put the spotlight on the kids so that they feel weird about it.

I'd be pissed off too. Changing things because their mum had plans, when you also had plans. Just no. I'd be pissed with DH for arranging it and would just tell him to stay home with DSC and just go with DC.

Blimey.

Not really. If they invited other children and DH's biological child (for example) but not his non biological child, then we would both politely decline.

Families are different though. My DH's family have never made my child feel second best and would always accomodate a small change of plan in order to make sure he feels welcome.

I honestly struggle to understand how the gran just said "oh that's a shame" and didn't extend the invitation to the two extra children.

Yes I imagine so! I suppose people usually only compare to their own experiences.

This is exactly what OP has done.

@lancsgirl85

You sound exactly like my SDs mum - and she is lovely. ❤

Has the OP given her grandmother the chance to get to know her great grandchildren? Or vice versus? Isn’t that a consideration too?

I shouldn’t have used the word ‘tell’ granted, but that’s the bit that you’ve cherry picked, not the rest of what I actually said which is talk to her about how to resolve the issue and broker a relationship between them. If the grandmother doesn’t want to know them, then that’s fine, she doesn’t have to. But at least give the grandmother the opportunity to decide, she may want a relationship with them.

Yeah your being really unreasonable. (In my opinion) They are your husbands kids … so why wouldn’t they be invited ?
i find it really weird when step kids are treated differently to biological kids, maybe I’m lucky but ours are all kids so all treated the same. Are step kids not seen as part of your family ??

Families are funny things. As a child my step dad (who we lived with) families treat us pretty much like they would his kids. Family parties we were invited to, we got Christmas presents etc.

my step mums family (who to be fair, lived in another country) didn’t acknowledge us at all. I remember my mum kicking off one year because my step mums parents never bought us presents for Christmas but my step dads parents bought us loads.

I can understand why you feel like you do. Perhaps your original op wasn’t worded as sensitively as it could have been but I do understand your feelings.

It was the stepchildren's mum's turn to have them so she is NOT being unreasonable. Their mother is being selfish.

And if my sons step mum treated him like this he would no longer be going there to be honest
You would deliberately come between your son and his father if his SMs granny didn't invite him for dinner?
Have a word with yourself 🙄