DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

They are your children (well ok, your husband’s) and should be treated as such. They aren’t random people needing to be ok’d. Did you wait for your own child to be specifically asked or did you take it as given, since it was a family invite. Poor kids, I hope they don’t realise how much of an inconvenience they must be

Has the OP given her grandmother the chance to get to know her great grandchildren? Or vice versus? Isn’t that a consideration too? that isn't OP's choice. Often the time with the DSC is for Dad to choose what they are doing and his family may be prioritised. None of this is on the OP.

I also do think that it is not nice that the gran did not invite the SCs in the first place and that there has been no effort to foster a good and inclusive relationship between OP’s family and her SCs. As she said- the grandparents barely know SCs. Hence they have likely never been invited for anything by OP’s grandparents. Is this the same case with OP’s parents…i just do not understand why some people do not see it wrong that OP’s child with her husband is treated as part of her family but his children are not. I am glad to see that there still some kind people out there who share my view.

So basically tell the kids no one actually wants them for the weekend ?!

no wonder step mothers get a bad name.

That little bit you put in brackets is actually pretty key. They should be treated like her husband's children.

They're not your grans family, yanbu just leave dh and sc at home and go alone

No tell them they are meant to be at mums but she can't be arsed this weekend but unfortunately plans have already been made so dad will be spending time alone with them. They aren't going to be devastated at spending time with their own father..

I expect the step children weren't overly arsed about going, DH should have remembered if you had plans already, although perhaps he did and did prioritise his children which is fair enough to be honest. Personally I'd have asked nan and made it clear if she was happy to have them over I'd provide extra food and help prepare etc, and that it wasn't an issue to say no. If she martyrs on that would be up to her. If she said no then he could stay home with his children as be did. Sounds like a stressful way to live really.

This is about plain good manners. No, you don't put pressure on an elderly hostess at the last minute just because some person not connected to the hostess has changed their plans at the last minute.
OP made it clear that if the step kids were expected that weekend they would, naturally, have been invited. They were not scheduled to be there so kid's mother and OP's DH are being massively rude to the hostess in expecting her to accommodate two extra guests to a formal meal at the last minute.
Had it been a buffet, I'm sure things would be easier; OP could have contributed two or three extra dishes to make things go further, as suggested, but it isn't.
DH and Ex are massively entitled and self absorbed. Utterly bad mannered. But that's the way of the world nowadays.

Except this could have been her opportunity. She decided not to. Her choice, but the DSCs and Grandmother will likely not get the chance now.

The thing is, if the OP had treated them like full members of the family it wouldn't be awkward because they would know each other. I realise people have different family set ups but they also need to understand some step parents ensure their step children are part of the family. Both type of step parents are entitled to their opinion.

You are married to their dad and have been in their life for 5 years and you don't consider them close family? I think you have the problem here, not your husband. I note you say MY child is invited, just not his who you don't consider family.

So basically tell the kids no one actually wants them for the weekend ?!

Well, no. I'd sincerely hope she wouldn't say: "right kids, as you know originally I was supposed to be looking after you this weekend but I wanted to go out instead so I asked your dad to look after you, but he said yes at first and then said no, so basically neither of us want you .... but I guess I drew the short straw. So here are are!"

If she was a normal and decent parent, she would presumably say something like: "hey kids, change of plan! I know I said you'd be at Dad's this weekend, but I'm actually not going out anymore so you'll be staying here with me instead - fancy pizza and a film?"

That's how I'd have played it if I'd asked DD's dad to take her as last minute change of plan, and he retracted the offer.

How sad that it’s even a discussion as to whether its ok to invite the children at short notice. They are children, and should always be welcome regardless of the structure of the family.

OP has clarified multiple times that she does view them as close family - it is her grandmother who doesn't.

Fruby, I so agree with you! Why is this even a discussion?? What a divisional family!

Life with kids is unpredictable. If your child was meant to be at his dads for example and the dad said he couldn’t have him for whatever reason, you’d take your child or stay home with them. His kids are a priority over you and yours I'm afraid, and if he needs to have them then he’s done the right thing in stepping up and having them, he’s not unorganised or anything else other than a good father. Either take some extra food along or leave DH at home with them if they can’t attend/be left alone.

His kids are a priority over you and yours I'm afraid,

Why on earth are his kids priority over hers?

I’ve just read the first number of responses from OP after I posted and I completely agree.

Poor kids and poor DH. Mountain out of a mole hill and so so petty. Doesn’t care if DH wants to go or not, he’s going as he committed, stuff his kids, and well I’m going to do the same back then. FFS grow up 🙄

You missed the bitter first wives club who believe the children come above everyone, the mum has zero responsibility for her children on her weekend, and that the SM and her extended family can do no right

Why is the ex getting a hard time? If her children weren't even invited I doubt she knew about the dinner. She has asked her children's other parent to look after them because sometimes things come up that aren't in your scheduled time and good co parenting needs some flexibility on both sides. The DH could have said no. Or he could have ensured he married into a family that cared about his kids.

Why are the step kids a priority over OP's kid? What the actual?

I didn’t read the whole thread tbh just commented on the opening post - didn’t realise her child was also his until later on.

Makes no difference though, their child won’t lose out as OP can still take them. His other children are a priority over OP and the whole scenario OP is peed off at, and I’m glad he sees that because not a lot of dads do. In an ideal world though his kids would be just as important as their child together to include.

@Gathering1 YANBU.

Your DH has overstepped the mark by inviting his DC to someone else’s house & celebration dinner. It’s that simple.

Seemingly, he agreed to have his kids over without checking the diary if you had existing commitments. Easily done, & we learn not to make that same mistake again.

He takes the hit by staying home with his DC so that you & your child can go your Gparents for their anniversary dinner. Unlikely he won’t make the assumption that he can extend an invitation in such a way again.

If your grandparents were highly interested in your SDC, asking after them as much as their do your DC, always sending bday & Xmas stuff without being prompted, inviting them over & introducing them as members of the family, then I’d say that ringing your Gparents up to let them know that the kids are with you unexpectedly would be the right & natural thing to do. But from what I have read, the relationship between your Grandparents & your SDC is not at that level, so any accommodations to be made fall upon your Gparents & although they may be most obliging, it’ll not be forgotten by the wider family.

Your DH has been too forward & he is the one to step back on the night to look after his kids.

In the future, maybe you & DH work together to introduce the kids to your wider family, spend time together. This will be good for your DC to have their siblings as part of the wider family.