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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH invited step children to family gathering

991 replies

Gathering1 · 25/06/2022 17:30

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

OP posts:
ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 26/06/2022 22:20

How would you feel if this was a situation for your child? Your DH remarries and has another DC and your child isn't really considered ‘family?’

pretty shit attitude OP. They are part of your DH and therefore part of YOUR family.

SmileyPiuPiu · 26/06/2022 22:22

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 26/06/2022 22:20

How would you feel if this was a situation for your child? Your DH remarries and has another DC and your child isn't really considered ‘family?’

pretty shit attitude OP. They are part of your DH and therefore part of YOUR family.

They are independent people with independent relationships and wants and needs not just "part of DH".

lancsgirl85 · 26/06/2022 22:24

Honestly can't stress enough how unwanted my behaviour would be if I started treating DSD exactly as my own. It would be hugely inappropriate and insulting to all involved.

Yep. I'd be told where to go by both DSC and their mother if I tried to treat them as my own! I just keep it lighthearted in my relationship with them, friendly chats over tea etc. Any problems are deferred to either of their parents and I'm absolutely more than fine with that!

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 26/06/2022 22:25

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 26/06/2022 22:20

How would you feel if this was a situation for your child? Your DH remarries and has another DC and your child isn't really considered ‘family?’

pretty shit attitude OP. They are part of your DH and therefore part of YOUR family.

Your reading comprehension is behind.

It's like your purposely misreading. Op didn't describe DSC as not close family, her grandmother described them as not close family to her (the grandmother)

How exactly is that OPs fault what her grandmother feels?

Next time read properly. It's embarrassing the amount of people making fools of themselves

lancsgirl85 · 26/06/2022 22:26

Margo1986 · 26/06/2022 22:08

You do not treat people according how it suits YOU. You treat people according to what is just and fair and how YOU would like you or your closest to be treated.

I am so confused by this. 😂

Surely, if you are treating someone how YOU wish to be treated, then you are by definition treating them how it suits you? Because how you wish to be treated yourself, is what suits you?

Confused
pitchforksandflamethrowers · 26/06/2022 22:27

Speaking as a mum and a step mum.

I don't expect my Dd SM to treat her as her own. My DD doesn't need a replacement mum she has me. I am the parent.

Likewise for my DSD, I can only imagine the hell that would be raised if I did this with her mum and how uncomfortable it would make them both feel.

Campervanlife4me · 26/06/2022 22:29

My dsc are my family. I'd be offended if they weren't invited.

whumpthereitis · 26/06/2022 22:29

Margo1986 · 26/06/2022 22:08

You do not treat people according how it suits YOU. You treat people according to what is just and fair and how YOU would like you or your closest to be treated.

As a teenager I would have not appreciated being expected to buy into the weird fantasy that stepfamilies are no different to traditional ones, my stepmother considered me to be no different to her than her biological child, and that her family were automatically close kin to me on account of her having married my father. I’d assume they thought I was a fucking idiot that couldn’t comprehend basic reality if they’d tried to sell me that one.

so based on that, OP’s doing great in her role.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 26/06/2022 22:36

Also to the people posting " omg look at all this SM yelling posting 😂

It's kinda like there's step parents on the step parenting board... commenting on things related to step families. Shocking I know.

I'm more shocked that people who aren't in step families seemed to think that they are experts in step families and should dictate how the step families are set up.

Since every step family norms vastly varies from family to family. I'm not sure how people who don't have step families can come along and tell step parents they shouldn't be commenting.

At least have some critical thinking to say, this is my perspective without bashing someone about something you have know knowledge on.

Like going to a pilot and letting them tell you how they would perform heart surgery that they the expert in anything medical. Even step families will not able to say this is definitively right or wrong because every step family is different and has its own norms.

Christ on a bike.

saraclara · 26/06/2022 22:43

I'm really enjoying the posts from MNers who are step-kids. Maybe people will now actually realise that OP's SC would almost certainly rather be anywhere else than some very old lady's dinner party. And that they are very unlikely to want to be part of yet another person's extended family.

They just want to spend time with their dad.

Dasher789 · 26/06/2022 23:26

I accept if it was anyone else, it would be rude to ask the host to tag them into an intimate gathering but DH children should be able to attend whether they want to or not.

anon2022anon · 26/06/2022 23:49

@saraclara is it contact time with their dad if it's 3 nights a week, not EOW? I would see that as near to 50/50 as could be, and as the stepchildren were 6+ 9 when they became part of the family (if I read right), then why wouldn't you just get on with normal everyday life with them included?

I have a very large sibling family, and those with stepkids have all just pulled up with whoever is in the house on visiting day. Kids, stepkids, partner. Any mix of above. As they are a family, and do stuff together. Fun stuff and boring stuff.

This is all very bizarre to me. Either you want to be a blended family where the kids feel as much as family as your son. Or you have kids who are visitors a few times a week and dad has 'contact'. Does mum have contact 4 times a week? Or is it just family life?

Autumn61 · 26/06/2022 23:50

They are not going to get to know them if you continue to avoid visiting withe your step children.
several answers 1) Husband takes ownership of his error and speaks to his wife.
2)He stays at home.
3) you grow a pair and speak to your gran yourself, not through another channel. Offer the options of making food for them.
4) Gran should maybe stop giving dinner parties if it stresses her out so much !

Confusion101 · 26/06/2022 23:53

Yet another thread example where the OP just wanted to be told they were right. 10K solutions offered later and OP has turned them all down because people disagreed with her 🙄
OP you constantly said that your grandparents would've invited them if they had known you had them. You never let them know you had them so they didn't "choose to celebrate their own way" because they didn't have all the details.
Agree with everyone who has said its strange that 5 years later your DSC have no relationship with their srepsiblings grandparents... Do you never host things at your house where they would all be together? Strange.
Anyway you seem to have gotten your way in the end and also now have a "golden ticket" to get your husband back for taking his own children and refuse to go to one of his events. Win win for you all round 🙄🙄

anon2022anon · 26/06/2022 23:53

@saraclara and for the record, my teen wouldn't want to be at her step grandads house. But also not at her nans, or grandads, because she's an antisocial teen 😁 I either trusted her enough to stay at home or I told her to suck it up and see family. All of our families. Because they are her family and her siblings family too, and I would hate for her to grow up, look back and feel we excluded her.

GlitteryGreen · 27/06/2022 00:01

Op I understand completely.

My SCs also live far away and as such they do not know my family well, why would they when they only have limited time to spend with their own family?? (DP's parents, his brother, their cousins etc). They have met my parents a couple of times in passing, but I'd never expect them to spend the day round there or anything.

We don't spend their time with us visiting my family, we visit theirs or do things alone with them.

saraclara · 27/06/2022 00:21

With honourable exceptions, this has been a thread full of knee jerk reactions.

It's pretty easy to tell who has actually thought through this situation and taken time to think about what both the SCs and the GGM would want. Because it's not about OP, or her DP or the ex, in the end. It's about the GGM's celebration and about the teenagers who'd almost certainly rather sit in a dentist's chair than at the table of an old lady at a party where there are no other kids present. And that would be the same even if they'd met OP's extended family a few times.

Iwannerbeyourslave · 27/06/2022 00:40

YANBU! My sister is my best friend and yet I've met her step children only a handful of times. They are nice kids but I do not consider them close family and would not invite them to a small family gathering!

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 06:31

Yet another thread example where the OP just wanted to be told they were right. 10K solutions offered later and OP has turned them all down because people disagreed with her 🙄 eh? She phoned the host who didn't say ooh yes bring the dsc. What more was she supposed to do?!

WhatNoRaisins · 27/06/2022 07:09

Because the 10K solutions were mostly ridiculous like bringing random food to a dinner party, bringing fucking deck chairs, bringing them but letting them go on their phones, maybe even in a different room to the people eating dinner. No one is obliged to follow a solution just to please the giver of said solution.

theremustonlybeone · 27/06/2022 07:36

The issue here is OP DH decided without discussion to have his children on a night when he knew plans were already made with his wife and her family. He didn’t say no to his ex he simply expected his wife and her family to change their plans when he should have simply told his ex no. ( unless of course it was a life / death situation but doesn’t seem to be the case here) I would be telling my DH to advise his ex that he made a mistake agreeing as you have plans .

Youseethethingis1 · 27/06/2022 07:49

@anon2022anon
They are still splitting the weekends in some way (EOW would be most sensible) when family visits etc would be taking place.
What happens on Tuesday afternoons after school/homework/dinner doesn't affect what time is realistically going to be available to see wider family.

SmileyPiuPiu · 27/06/2022 07:54

WhatNoRaisins · 27/06/2022 07:09

Because the 10K solutions were mostly ridiculous like bringing random food to a dinner party, bringing fucking deck chairs, bringing them but letting them go on their phones, maybe even in a different room to the people eating dinner. No one is obliged to follow a solution just to please the giver of said solution.

Yes I think some posters think because OP asked for advice she has to follow someone's suggested next step. This isn't a game where we decided someone's next move.

BigFatLiar · 27/06/2022 08:09

Yes I think some posters think because OP asked for advice she has to follow someone's suggested next step. This isn't a game where we decided someone's next move

I doubt she wanted advice, i suspect she just wanted a moan.
I suggested the son might prefer to hang out at home with his step brother/sister rather than a family meal with a load of oldies however it seems her cousins became his cousins who'd probably be nearer his age which would be better.

It's done now, move on, next argument.

SpaceshiptoMars · 27/06/2022 08:14

My dsc are my family. I'd be offended if they weren't invited.

It gets complicated. My younger DSCs lived with us for several years, and so when there is a big family do on my side, they get an invite. The older ones (adults when we met) do not, even though they have met the family. Nobody is bothered by that - they have busy, busy lives anyway as do most working people!

Families are not 'blended' overnight. You rarely manage it in five years either. The more complex your setup, the longer it takes. Think 10, 15, 20 years even.

I was a young stepchild with a dead mother. Sounds simple, doesn't it? But it actually took several years to get everybody living under one roof. Let alone meeting each others relatives.