DH invited step children to family gathering

[Gathering1]

My gran is having a small family gathering tomorrow evening for my grand and grandpa's anniversary. She is cooking food and it's only close family, me & DH, my parents, my child, my aunt and my two cousin's.

DH has known about this for a while although may have forgotten.

He's just told me that my step children are now with us tomorrow night so will need to come with us. This is because his ex now has plans and so he's agreed to have them.

AIBU to be pissed off? They barely know my gran or majority of my family (only really spent time with my parents on occasion) and I feel bad asking at such short notice to bring to extra people to a small gathering. My mum was saying she thinks my gran might worry about having enough food for everyone because she was already saying she hopes she has enough etc...

I've told him it's not on but he thinks I'm being unfair and why shouldn't they be invited to a family gathering which I'd agree with if it were his family but it's not and it's not even just that but the last minute-ness of it.

He either needs to tell his ex sorry but he can't because he has plans or stay home with them which is a shame considering he's known about this for ages and it's for my gran and grandpa.

This.

Im a mum to 2 kids of different dad's. If I was invited to something on DPs side, and only 1 child was invited, I'd be mad. If something was planned, and my eldest wasnt going to be attending, then a few days before she was available, I would be in touch with them to let them know, check if there was room and ask if anything extra was needed. I would NOT assume that my daughter wouldn't be welcome. Even if they don't know her very well. Because she is my daughter, his stepdaughter, and our daughters sister. So she is part of our family. We come as a team.

If they are with you 3 nights a week, and your family know your youngest son well enough, so you clearly visit them often enough, why aren't the other kids coming too? They don't want to visit boring family- well, same for your son, why does he have to do it and not the others? The way you're treating them.is segregating the family and treating them as a seperate unit. All kids should have to do family visits occasionally.

I was a step child and was included in all invites to my step dads family things - suppose they had no choice as it was a time where my mum had us all the time and biological father did what he wanted . I was excluded from all aspects of his and his partners celebrations / holidays and birthdays etc. I hav no relationship with my younger sibling/ I never met any of that sides grandparents and would have felt uncomfortable being there. So if it’s not the norm then fair enough and for the OP DH to just drop this in to the mix of a big birthday is shit too. Not for the adult but for the kids being expected to suck it up and sit in front of adults they don’t know well

OP just pick the phone up & tell your gran that you're in this dilemma. Stop making it difficult & saying it's not fair on her, it's her dinner etc etc. Let her make the decision.
YABVU you sound hard work, sorry but it's simple to deal with if you just deal with it.

@Strangeways19
There's a "see all" button at the bottom of the OP, I suggest you click that and all will become clear.

This.

I’ve read the thread before commenting, I’m a step parent too, I’ve had plans changed, weekends away changed and parties I haven’t gone too because of last minute changes to when we have our DSC.
Im with the poster on this. Blended families are so difficult I didn’t for one second think the poster didn’t care about her DSC. A small dinner party for her grandparents anniversary planned and arranged should be given priority. I didn’t see anyone comment on why didn’t her husband remember previous plans?? I’m sure the dinner party has been discussed recently. I’m with the poster I would be upset if my husband had forgotten about it. Ive seen so many people jump on the poster but not her husband. Us step parents try our best but sometimes plans can’t be changed. I think her husband should be staying at home with the two children. I have 5 step children life of a blended family isn’t always plane sailing.

OP, remember stepchildren and birth mothers can do no wrong on here!

YANBU, it’s short notice and crosses a boundary. Yes stepchildren are close family, but your child (and you) deserve routine and predictability.

It isn’t even about the food (just take some now that they’re coming), I would just be pissed at a last minute change (without good reason). I’m sure they’re very welcome and would have been coming if scheduled to be with you!

Come for me mumsnet- I move heaven and earth for my stepdaughter- but I’ve had a to hold my ground on boundaries for the sake of her and our birth children, as they all deserve routine whilst they’re small.

@Crystal8559 you actually sound very bitter with good reason, your SM sounds like a right piece of work and your dad a bit of a loser, but nothing OP has said in any way indicates an attitude like your SMs so you can lay off her.

Moving forwards, perhaps if DH wants to facilitate more integration between the extended families then he could host a BBQ inviting both his family and OP's family on a weekend the children are with them so that the kids could get to meet OP's family. Maybe then it wouldn't feel so awkward if there are occasional OP-side family gatherings in the future on their weekend.

It's not that it's wrong to focus on doing things with OP's family on days where the SCs are with their mum but it does mean that between that that and the pandemic limiting opportunities, people haven't met one another. Which is a bit awkward 5 years down the road given that the kids do live with OP half of the week and have a sibling who is seen as part of that extended family. It does feel compartmentalised as if OP has two separate lives.

Which is not the same thing as saying that they should be super close and spending time with them every week!

If you take on a partner with children they become part of your family. That means treating them as equal to your own. I only hope your partners family treat your child better than your family do his.

I'm really confused now. OP seems to change their minds about what the issue actually is & reasons why they can't go.
It seems like they've resolved it by DP staying at home with the older kids.
What a drama

There are some really mean spirited step mums
on this forums. It is refreshing to see some step mums who understand that if you get a partner with kids, you treat them as you treat your own children. You do not need to love them but at least PRETEND that they are not less than your own. Hope people treat your kids better than you treat others. No I am not an ex wife.

If they are with you 3 nights a week, and your family know your youngest son well enough, so you clearly visit them often enough

OP and her son presumably visit when the SCs are with their mum. Likewise when the SCs are with their dad, they presumably visit HIS relatives.

The SCs have two sets of relatives, their dad's and their mum's, already. I doubt that they want to be dragged to yet another set of oldies (unrelated to them and an hour away) when they're having contact visits with their dad.

There are some mean spirited people on this forum. It is refreshing to see that some people understand that not all families/people/relationships are exactly the same and if you get with a partner with kids you treat them the most appropriate way for your particular circumstances.

I agree. It's great that there are people accepting of different family set ups and not stuck in rigid confined set ups that don't flex as needed.

So if some of you have your way, those two poor children should be regularly dragged off to spend time with an elderly couple they barely know? I'm sure they'll be thrilled.

This thread is bonkers! I'm totally with you OP, I wouldn't expect my relatives to make a big effort at a short notice to accommodate step children whom they barely know. The grandparents had clearly planned the small family gathering in the way they wanted so bringing additional guests at a short notice would have added extra work for them. I'm also wondering how many people here would suddenly find two extra dining chairs etc, or would the SC be expected to eat sitting on the sofa?

Moreover, pre-teen and teenage children would probably have found this family dinner with their step mum's grandparents incredibly awkward and boring.

There seems to be a recurring theme of insistence that SC must be treated absolutely equally with biological children at all times but surely this is an impossible task? SC already have their own parents so a SM is a friend/safe adult rather than an actual parent. Only recently there was a thread about a husband who wanted his second wife to leave a share of HER property in her will to her SC rather than just her biological child. The husband's children would already be inheriting from both of their parents so why should they also inherit from their SM?

There was another thread where a new mum wanted to book a newborn photoshoot for her daughter but the husband was upset that his son wouldn't be included, when the whole purpose of the photoshoot was to get photos of the newborn baby.

My friend is a SM and treats her SS with a lot of kindness and respect, but occasionally she and her DP and DS will do things with her family without her SS and there's nothing wrong with that.

That does seem to be the case. Even though the alternative is spending time on their own with their dad!

You do not treat people according how it suits YOU. You treat people according to what is just and fair and how YOU would like you or your closest to be treated.

@TeenyQueen Funny you mention inheritance. In was just wondering how many of these people insisting the DSC go to this relative's meal also think the relative should be naming them in their will!

I agree and it is not fair on anyone to take the DSC to the OP's family meal and cause awkwardness and boredom for the DSC just because mum hasn't treated them just and fairly as it doesn't suit her.

You just contradicted yourself there if you think it's always right to treat people the way YOU would like to be treated. Or even better, how some ranting MN poster think you should treat them.
Honestly can't stress enough how unwanted my behaviour would be if I started treating DSD exactly as my own. It would be hugely inappropriate and insulting to all involved.

Absolutely baffled as to how this thread has accumulated so many comments in this length of time.

It's obvious your DP has been unreasonable here and also perfectly normal for your side of the family to not really know them or have much relationship with them. A lot of people here just don't live in reality.

I would suggest either they stay home alone or their dad stays behind with them.