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Original poster

Every little thing has to become about DSC

220 replies

Rory11 · 25/05/2022 07:13

By my husband... Every little thing I do has to be twisted and turned into what I've not done for DSC, what I'm doing wrong, how they might feel etc...

Today's was I recently got back off a holiday and got a very small token gift for DH (some food he likes) and a little teddy for our 1 year old son. But I didn't get anything for DSC who weren't even there.

I can't buy my own fucking kid a teddy without being questioned about it.

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funinthesun19 · 25/05/2022 14:49

Possibly because they share household and parenting duties?

She’s 12 and she lives 10 minutes away. What’s wrong with her walking?
She’s not a 5 year old. And even if she was, I’d be saying the father needs to either sort breakfast club out or take her himself by working different working hours. All compromises we have to make as parents.
But let’s face it, the reality is now that she’s 12 he doesn’t NEED to do any of that for his dd does he? And definitely neither does OP!

OP is sure as hell doing her share of household parenting duties. She’s taking their baby to nursery while he presumably goes off to work early.

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 14:58

If it must be a case of you drive your child to school and I drive mine, then this relationship is not on strong footing. Both should call it a day. It sounds awful and miserable. Not good for any of the kids

Well her one year old can't walk to nursery, can he?

So this isn't something that can be equally split.

A one year old isn't able to walk to nursery.
A 12 year old is.

funinthesun19 · 25/05/2022 14:58

LouisRenault · 25/05/2022 14:38

Why should either of them drive her to school? It's a ten minute walk! Walking is beneficial for the girl and for the environment. Driving is not.

It’s just because OP is taking her baby to nursery and that’s what it all boils down to. If OP was going off to work or to meet friends or whatever else at that time, nobody would be questioning her why she’s not taking her 12 year old sd to school. It’s just because she’s taking her baby to nursery.

funinthesun19 · 25/05/2022 15:03

And I bet even if a mum or dad were taking their younger children to nursery or school, there wouldn’t be all this noise about how unfair it is on their preteens/teens having to walk or catch a bus while the younger ones get a lift to primary school and nursery. Plenty of older children make their own way to school and nobody bats an eyelid about it. So why is it different when it’s a stepmum taking her little one to nursery?

ilovemyboys3 · 25/05/2022 15:10

Step mothers can do no right. If you over step and play "mum" then your disrespectful to the mum, or if you don't treat them exactly the same as your own children then your not being fair and "you knew he had children when you met him"

Bb16103 · 25/05/2022 15:17

But his kids aren’t there?! What’s to protect them from, not having sweets they never knew about?

Bb16103 · 25/05/2022 15:19

Snatch back his snacks & give them to the stepkids!

saraclara · 25/05/2022 15:21

This toddler will be bought new toys regularly, as he develops and needs different stimulation and toys that develop different skills. Does OP have to buy the step kids new video games every time she gets her child a Melissa and Doug peg jigsaw? Or an equivalent each time she gets him a picture book?

Magda72 · 25/05/2022 15:21

@SnowWhitesSM so well said! Your last few posts are so spot on!

Only4You · 25/05/2022 15:41

TreatTrimTame · 25/05/2022 14:22

@SnowWhitesSM I agree. I have amazing step parents in both houses but definitely felt like a nomad and like neither house was my home. Even the standard "can you take her to X?", "are you paying for X?" or "i don't know if you're with me that day, let me ask your dad" conversations always felt like I was a problem. Would much rather have had one set home and visited the other as you would a grandparents.

That’s a good point @TreatTrimTame .

And I can see how this could make things harder for the OP and her DH, if he is trying to make sure his dcs are not feeling left out etc….

But that not down to the OP or what she does. More about their arrangement and her DH and his ex handle it.

I feel that putting the burden on the OP isn’t the right way to handle it really.

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 25/05/2022 15:44

ilovemyboys3 · 25/05/2022 15:10

Step mothers can do no right. If you over step and play "mum" then your disrespectful to the mum, or if you don't treat them exactly the same as your own children then your not being fair and "you knew he had children when you met him"

You forgot the ‘if you treat them as your children and discipline them, you are awful’.

What’s often meant by ‘treating them the same’ is give them as much time, attention and effort as if they were your dcs but don’t have a say in how they are raised, disciplined and generally parented (because they are not your child).
In some ways, it’s about ensuring the women still do all the women’s work of looking after the dcs, all the graft work whilst getting no thank for it.

However, I am not even sure this is the issue for the OP here.

AskingforaBaskin · 25/05/2022 15:52

Why2why · 25/05/2022 14:32

Possibly because they share household and parenting duties? If it must be a case of you drive your child to school and I drive mine, then this relationship is not on strong footing. Both should call it a day. It sounds awful and miserable. Not good for any of the kids.

Show quote history

The kid walks! Its is 10 mins. She's not being sent down the mines

ineedsun · 25/05/2022 16:02

You were asked a really relevant question by@Doingmybest12 on page one and didn’t really take it on board, just gave a bit of a snarky response). You and your husband have different perceptions of what you want the family dynamic to be. He views you all as a family unit, you view your step children as separate from your family and don’t give an indication that you have a particular sense of attachment to them.

If you can’t agree on this, I don’t see it ending well.

Why2why · 25/05/2022 16:04

In the end, it’s down to the OP and her husband. They are clearly not being n the same page. The options are clear.

Original poster
Rory11 · 25/05/2022 16:12

ineedsun · 25/05/2022 16:02

You were asked a really relevant question by@Doingmybest12 on page one and didn’t really take it on board, just gave a bit of a snarky response). You and your husband have different perceptions of what you want the family dynamic to be. He views you all as a family unit, you view your step children as separate from your family and don’t give an indication that you have a particular sense of attachment to them.

If you can’t agree on this, I don’t see it ending well.

My reply was not intended to be snarky, nor did I realise that post was really a question?

My reply to it was that my husband appears to be the only one with an issue as in the kids are fine and happy as things are.

OP posts:
SnowWhitesSM · 25/05/2022 16:58

Wasn't expecting that response Posters! 😂

And not Northern, but I think if I moved up North I'd fit right in!

I know there isn't anything you can do OP about the way society operates and dc are split between parents with the myth that the nrp home is their home (even if it's EO Saturday night). Definitely would be better with visiting like grandparents IMO. I know that's not everyones though but my dc are sane and well.

TrashyPanda · 25/05/2022 17:41

itsgettingweird · 25/05/2022 08:01

Is there a reason you can't drive her to school?

Timing? Or just because she's your DSD and you don't feel you should?

Because it is a 10 minute walk.

why would anybody drive that short a distance? Unless they were disabled.

it’s a total waste of fuel and gives the kid a wee bit of exercise.

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 25/05/2022 17:51

@Rory11 there is an important question though. Which is what is your DH doing?
Is he actually living by the line he is asking to live by? So if the dsc are at yours, does he take all 3 dcs with him when going out?
Does he buy something for all 3 dcs if he is buying some clothing to one of them?
etc…
Of course that’s including the old ‘how much does he do to look after his younger dc - the 1yo’?

Because I’m not convinced he is. And if he isn’t, why is it that he is asking you to do what he can’t manage to do?

TheLadyofShalott1 · 25/05/2022 17:55

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 25/05/2022 13:21

@TreatTrimTame its a hard one isn’t it?

because in each house, you felt like you were missing out on stuff that were happening when you weren’t there. Incl having cake.
Bit in the other, you wee still getting stuff when you were at your other parent, just like your step siblings were getting stuff when you weren’t there. (I’m assuming that neither of your parents were buying/giving things to the children of the other household).

I can see how one could feel like they were getting less/were an after thought even though they were getting the ‘same’ but from different places.
And I’m not sure how any parent can solve that. Because yes you can say that you will automatically get a cake for the child who is at their other parent. But if both parents do that, then they are getting twice as much as the siblings?? Which would be just as unfair.

But would it be unfair to the child that had both it's parents living with it, when the step-child has only one? I think I would have rather been the child with both parents and missed out on some extra cakes/presents/days out, than the stepchild who not only lives with only one of their natural parents, but also has all the issues that children unfortunately have if one of their parents leaves the family home eg thinking "was I the one that made xxx leave" home, or "why didn't xxx love me enough to stay with us" etc etc etc
Before anyone/everyone jumps down my throat, they are just examples of what a child might feel.

SnowWhitesSM · 25/05/2022 18:43

Children of lesbien parents do better then all other dc - is it unfair that all the children with a mum and dad don't have two mums? It's that pervasive ideology of poor step dc that actually fucks them up, it's not two parents that don't live together anymore.

If people stopped putting a victim complex onto step children and stopped conflict over pointless shit then those children would grow up much more mentally healthy. And I say that as a step child who was shoved between parents and step parents.

Belonging is a core need. Being taught by your seperated parents that you don't belong and you are the victim is what fucks your kids up. Why don't the disney dads feel guilty about that!

SoggyPaper · 25/05/2022 18:56

SnowWhitesSM · 25/05/2022 18:43

Children of lesbien parents do better then all other dc - is it unfair that all the children with a mum and dad don't have two mums? It's that pervasive ideology of poor step dc that actually fucks them up, it's not two parents that don't live together anymore.

If people stopped putting a victim complex onto step children and stopped conflict over pointless shit then those children would grow up much more mentally healthy. And I say that as a step child who was shoved between parents and step parents.

Belonging is a core need. Being taught by your seperated parents that you don't belong and you are the victim is what fucks your kids up. Why don't the disney dads feel guilty about that!

Absolutely.

Treating children as victims is hugely damaging for them. And everyone around them.

mewkins · 26/05/2022 08:28

alwayslearning789 · 25/05/2022 08:48

"I don't drive DSC to school because it's a short walk and they have a pair of working legs."

Would you say that about your own child when they reach that age?

Plenty of parents drive their kids to school OP, that's a rather unnecessarily harsh statement and dare I say, more of an indication of the underlying attitude of not caring, that is causing the issue.

Said from the perspective of having been a Step-child, Step-parent and blood parent myself.

I get where you are coming from, but a bit of sensitivity does go a long way.

To be fair I say this to my actual child and she has to walk further than this AND get a bus 😂

It is OK to not be walking on eggshells and bending over backwards for a child, any child.

SoggyPaper · 26/05/2022 08:53

Absolutely. Walking on eggshells because a child doesn’t want to walk to school is ridiculous.

im currently walking to work. It’s more than 10 minutes. It’s spitting slightly. None of this is terrible.

funinthesun19 · 26/05/2022 12:50

Plenty of parents drive their kids to school OP

And plenty of parents don’t drive their older children to school.

Also key word: Parent. If it’s so important she gets a lift, then one of her parents can always drive her. OP doesn’t owe the 12 year old a lift just because she’s taking her baby to nursery. Her baby can’t take himself can he?
If she was going out at that time somewhere else I bet it wouldn’t even cross people’s minds that she gives sd a lift. It’s all just petty fairness because a stepchild is involved. The teddy is another example. People need to get a grip.

MarmaladeLime · 26/05/2022 12:54

Your husband risks causing problems where there are none