Every little thing has to become about DSC

[Rory11]

By my husband... Every little thing I do has to be twisted and turned into what I've not done for DSC, what I'm doing wrong, how they might feel etc...

Today's was I recently got back off a holiday and got a very small token gift for DH (some food he likes) and a little teddy for our 1 year old son. But I didn't get anything for DSC who weren't even there.

I can't buy my own fucking kid a teddy without being questioned about it.

Op you need to start saying to your dh

Treating your children equally does NOT mean treating them the same.

Have some conversations with him
Ask some questions like

So if step child gets taken out for dinner at their mums is that unfair on our child if I don't take them out for dinner.

So if SC goes on holiday with their mum. Then we HAVE to take our child on holiday

So if you take sc for coffee then you will take baby for coffee to. You know he doesn't like coffee don't you?

The more ridiculous the better. Make him see how far he is taking this. Then have a conversation about treating the children equally bit NOT the same.

Good luck

It was an impromptu, small, cheap present for her husband and baby. The SC wouldn’t have got more than a small bar of chocolate or similar. If it had been a day out shopping for presents that would be different.

It does sound like you are uncaring to your DSC.

As a stepchild I can tell you lots of little things can add up and give the appearance of you not liking/wanting/thinking of SCs are part of your family.

The 'Taking DS out for the day with friends but not immediately inviting DSC as soon as I realised they were staying that weekend unexpectedly' - I'm with your DH on that. Surely as soon as you knew DSC were staying you'd say you were planning on taking DS out, do they want to come to...? The other examples are reasonable, well except the teddy thing. I get you say you got DS the teddy, then happened to see food for DH, but what it looks like is you've planned to get something for DS and DH but not DSC. If I was you when I saw the food for DH I would have thought I should get a little something for SCs too, even just a chocolate bar from the country you were in.

My suggestions are consider what it looks like and, even if you think things are petty or little, sometimes just make the effort to include SCs more. It doesn't have to be always, but a little more might make a big difference in your relationship.

The reality is you’re just not on the same page as your DH, and this is going to be a continual theme in your relationship.

I agree. I think you (anyone) could argue all day until the cows come home about whether buying a gift is right or wrong etc. But I think there are multiple ways of treating SC and C within different families that will work: there is not a single right way. The important thing is that all parental figures agree on the broad basics in a way that all children feel loved and wanted and safe.

If you and your partner cannot agree on this, then it sets up an unhealthy dynamic for all the children in this family (step or not). It also - as you can see - places you in the position of coming across like you resent them in some way. When what you really resent (it sounds to me) is the disagreement between you and yor partner on how you should behave towards them.

Nip this in the bud, OP. It’s utter nonsense and he’s the one who is making it an issue.

If it’s allowed to escalate then in his mind it will become unthinkable to do anything nice on weekends when his DC are not there. Trip to the park with toddler? Need to wait for DSC. Takeaway on a Friday night? DSC shouldn’t miss out, let’s wait until next week. Etc etc.

if you are warm and welcoming to your DSC in many, many other ways, support them and spend time together where you can then that’s the stuff that really matters. Not an airport Toblerone.

I have two dc with my dh and 2 children from my first marriage who are grown up now. My dh would always buy ALL the kiddies a treat. No one was left out. All treated the same that way.

But in your instance its a bit petty of your dh.

Protecting his dcs against what?

Do you think they need protecting because the OP bought a teddy to HER child and they haven't recieved one?

I'm with your DH on that. Surely as soon as you knew DSC were staying you'd say you were planning on taking DS out, do they want to come to...?

No "surely" about it, quite often there is not a relationship between the SC and the SPs friends (who she's going out with) and no reason to assume the SP is going to volunteer to take the SC out without their DF on his contact time with them, and be solely responsible for all the children.

The 'Taking DS out for the day with friends but not immediately inviting DSC as soon as I realised they were staying that weekend unexpectedly' - I'm with your DH on that. Surely as soon as you knew DSC were staying you'd say you were planning on taking DS out, do they want to come to...?

Really? My husband wasn't coming, they weren't supposed to be there and I'd arranged a day out with friends and our young children and you think when their plans changed last minute I should have immediately taken them with me with a load of small kids without their dad? Why?

Why would I need to rearrange my day for that? Their dad was at home!

If it’s allowed to escalate then in his mind it will become unthinkable to do anything nice on weekends when his DC are not there. Trip to the park with toddler? Need to wait for DSC. Takeaway on a Friday night? DSC shouldn’t miss out, let’s wait until next week. Etc etc

He's already a bit like this. Not quite as bad as not going to the park or a takeaway but certainly bigger things like couldn't go on a day out without them, or for a meal, or a few days away.

He is objecting because you take your TODDLER to nursery but not his almost teenager to school?!

Man sounds bat shit. Does he realise his child is 1 and can't take themselves to nursery. Does he get there's quite a difference between a toddler and a 12 year old? It's ten minutes, I used to walk an hour each way solo, honestly I'd tell them to stop being so lazy.

His older children's mother will buy them things the toddler obviously doesn't get. You are allowed to buy your child PJ'S and a Teddy without being the evil stepmother

I've just stopped inviting him on those things because of it. So I just take our DC on a day out with friends or family instead, if he wants to sit in doing nothing until DSC are there then that's up to him.

Were the dsc staying at your home when you got back. If they were there when you gave out the gifts, I can see dh point.

But if dsc were not there I cannot see his point.

Some of these comments are so unfair.

It's not like OP walked in with gifts for everyone else in front of the children, they wouldn't even know these things had happened?

I think he's being ridiculous to expect you to treat them all exactly the same even down to buying them all pyjamas if you buy your own baby some.

There is a difference between making sure you treat your SCs fairly and kindly when they're around - which I'm sure you do - and going out of your way to include them in absolutely everything even when they're not there or it's not relevant.

I think your DH is being silly.

There's clearly other issues but if you're deliberately not treating her equally to her brother then it does ,are me question if dh has a point.

But why woulod you want to treat a 1yo and an oder teen or a 12yo the same?
I mean I doubt that an older teen would want to go with the OP to see friends for example. They would probably think the OP has lost the plot f she was buying them pjs they don't need just because she bought on for her ds. At that age, children grow fast. Is she supposed to but a pj to the dsc each time she NEEDS to buy one for her ds? Like every 3~6 months?

And if you go down that road, eg when saying if she drives baby ds to nursery, the she should aso be driving the 12y to school, does it work the other way aorund too?
So if baby ds is not allowed to saty up after 7.00pm, then the dsc shoudn't eiher? If older dsc gets alcohol for his b'day/going out, then the 12yo and 1yo should get some too?

It sounds carzy? That's because it is. Treating children equally doesn't mean doing the same with each of them. esp with such a huge age difference.

@Rory11 Is your DP actually treating all his 3 dcs the same? If she buys something to his older dc, does he buy something for his 1yo? Automatically and all te time. If he goes out with them both to let's say Alton Towers, does he also take the 1yo so he doesnt miss out?
Because somehow I doubt so.

But does he go to do some days out without his youger dc (the 1yo)?

And do the dsc actually appreciate to have their much younger sibling there all the time or they would/are finding it a pain? (Because it's obvious this would restrict what the 3 of them can do together)

Why didn't you? I'd be pissed to

He is being ridiculous. Even full siblings don't automatically get something because the other did. I have several siblings and occasionally one would go out with one parent whilst the others stayed at home and consequently received different foods/things depending on where they were etc.

We regularly joked about how we only got ice creams when out for a day if it was just one of us went out with dad. If all of us went out with him none of us got ice creams because he wouldn't pay out for 5 ice creams but would for 1. We got clothes as needed not en masse as well. Your partner has probably got some guilt about DSS not being there all the time, but as others have said his mum should/will make up any difference. Otherwise children of second marriages will always end up with less and that's not fair either.

The 'Taking DS out for the day with friends but not immediately inviting DSC as soon as I realised they were staying that weekend unexpectedly' - I'm with your DH on that. Surely as soon as you knew DSC were staying you'd say you were planning on taking DS out, do they want to come to...?

Why would a 12yo and teen want to go on a day out with a load of toddlers, without their dad but with OP and her friends?

With that age difference I wouldn't even be expecting them to attend that even if all 3 were mine.

Blah blah blah.

Not immediately taken them, but asked if they wanted to come too, yeah. I don't get why that's so hard...? You said youngest SC is 12. I don't get how their Dad not going out too matters. They are old enough to go out without him...? Anyway, to me an invitation would be polite, but I guess we have different opinions. Fair dos. Just saying I get your husband's opinion on that one and was offering some advice from a SC point of view. 😅

No it doesn’t.

Because (and I'm sure I'll be flamed), I didn't want to invite them? I was going out with a bunch of babies and toddlers with my friends, I had no desire to take along a 12 year old or a teenager.

Because that assumes the SP is willing to look after them without their dad. Not a given. I wouldn't look after my DSS all day without DP when he was available.