Every little thing has to become about DSC

[Rory11]

By my husband... Every little thing I do has to be twisted and turned into what I've not done for DSC, what I'm doing wrong, how they might feel etc...

Today's was I recently got back off a holiday and got a very small token gift for DH (some food he likes) and a little teddy for our 1 year old son. But I didn't get anything for DSC who weren't even there.

I can't buy my own fucking kid a teddy without being questioned about it.

Depends on if their dad is going? What 12 year old wants to spend the day with their stepmums friends and babies drinking coffee rather than their dad?

What was their dad doing then? Trying to get the house to himself for a few hours? Tbh he sounds like a wanker.

@itsgettingweird
Is there a reason you can't drive her to school?

I would think that given it’s a 10 minute walk and SC doesn’t have any additional needs, global warming and traffic emissions would be two very good reasons.

Do you ever do things for/with your stepchildren?

The thing that’s bonkers, is that I don’t even invite both my OWN kids to everything. Sometimes I invite one and sometimes the other. Sometimes both. What did he do with his kids on the day you went out with your friends?

Not on my own really no but that's just never naturally happened. But yes we do things all together and I do things for them by nature of the fact they live in my house half the week like I do cook for them, wash their clothes, pick their Christmas presents, take them to and from friends sometimes if DH is busy or whatever.

I don't do things exactly the same as if they were my DC because they aren't but that's not the same as saying I do nothing for or with them.

Honestly your husband is being awful then, you are involved with them, it's not like you treat them like strangers. He is the one that needs to treat his children equally.

Does he understand that doesn't mean the same! Children need different things at different times.

OP yanbu at all. I'm sure the SC mum doesn't buy your child a gift when she goes on holiday. Your SC get gifts from their own parents. Had they have been at yours when you got home, maybe a pack of sweets or something. But you say they weren't there so I agree with you.

1. You have a responsibility to provide clothes for your DC. Just because you bought some PJs for your DC doesn’t mean you also need to buy something for dsc.

2. Again, you have a responsibility towards your DC. That means getting your child to nursery safely. Dsc is 12 and in high school and get themselves to school. If they were still at primary school, I’m sure your DH would be more than willing to step up…. Or not.

3. You have the right to make plans on non dsc days and to not alter them when you realise they will be with you. I thought it was super duper important for NR children to spend time with their fathers, or does that only apply when stepmum and her dc aren’t up to something?

4. You’re allowed to buy your child a little teddy ffs. His child is 12 and you’re not her mum and she wasn’t even there anyway. He’s being ridiculous. You should have thrown his food in the bin.

Is there a reason you can't drive her to school?

Maybe the fact that it’s a 10 minute walk and she’s at high school if she’s 12 years old? Why can’t her dad take her if he’s that bothered?

Start moaning that his ex wife doesn’t buy your baby something when she goes to the shops or on your step kids birthdays.. maybe he will hear how strange it sounds

Everyone that I know that wither grew up or are now a part of blended family where both bio parents are involved there has been a very clear division on who is a parent and who is a step parent. There are no 4 equal parents. Yes, everyone needs to treat each other well and they can buy a Teddy for their SC but there are no expectations that nobody cna do anything fun even if everyone is not together. A lot of non-blended families do stuff separately. Dad takes daughter to Manchester to see the football for the weekend, mom takes son to canoeing to the seaside. Dad takes both kids to holiday in France, mom takes the kids to cinema etc.

Start moaning that his ex wife doesn’t buy your baby something when she goes to the shops or on your step kids birthdays.. maybe he will hear how strange it sounds

Exactly, because no matter what anyone says, they’re both exactly the same. Mums to their own. The op should be able to do normal mum things like buying a little teddy and buying some PJs in the exact same way dsc’s mum does for dsc.

@RockAndOrRoll spot on, most sensible comment here

treating children equallly doens't mean doing exactely the same thing with each of them. It means giving them each what THEY need. And they will get different things because they're different people with different temperament, taste, maturity and needs.

Exactly. There was barely two years between my two DDs, but they didn't get treated the same way at the same time. They grew out of clothing and needed new ones at different times. They had very different interests and enthusiasms, so I often took just one of them out somewhere (and my dh would also take just one of them out to a shared interest, or shopping on occasions).

With such a huge age gap, it's ridiculous to expect OP to do the same things with, and for, all of the kids.

I think your DH is having a guilt complex over his child .No one would drive a 12 year old to School unless bad weather or child injured surely? However a little something even some sweets or small souvenir for the DSC. My DSD bought me little gifts . Its natural instinct to want to put your baby first .When in this situation though I would say DSD allowed to come out at WE with friends is OK .

How old was he when you met him and started being his SP?

My step-dad always treated me like his own. But then, my bio dad wasn't around. Step-grandchildren are also treated exactly the same, even after relationship break ups. They don't even get called step-grandchildren, just GC.
.

Start moaning that his ex wife doesn’t buy your baby somethin

Ex-wife is nothing to OPs baby. There is no connection at all. If she remarried and had a step-child, she should do these things for her SC.

Whereas OP is this child's step-parent.

It’s not the same. OPs child doesn’t spend 50% of his time in her husbands ex wife’s house.

I don’t think step kids need to be treated exactly the same as your own children in every situation though, the pyjamas and days out are examples of this. But a present from holiday for all the kids seems like something nice and easy to do.

I think you're both out of line.

You were thoughtless about the holiday presents & that would be upsetting. You literally didn't think about your dsc & you don't seem to want to treat them equally. (Equally doesn't mean exactly the same)

He's being a twat about Pj's etc & he's definitely being a twat about your day out with pals & babies.

A lot of compromising is going to have to happen or your marriage will go in the bin.

Does the other mother buy little treats for your child when she treats her child?

Does OPs child have a relationship with dad's ex-wife? Does OPs child spend half the week with dad's ex-wife? Ex-wife isn't a step-parent. I don't see how it's the same at all.

I do find it hard to understand because this is all just so far removed from anything I've experienced with step-parents. I'm not even married to my DP yet and he still buys clothes for my child if he sees something they'd like, he wouldn't just go "no that your job, why should I?" It just really feels like resentment of having a SC

A lot of compromising is going to have to happen or your marriage will go in the bin.

No compromise is actually needed here. I wouldn't put up with my DP moaning because I didn't buy his DS a present when he wasn't even going to be there when I got back. It would not occur to him to complain about that, so our relationship is fine.

I just think there's a big difference between walking in and giving out gifts to everyone but SCs in their presence, or doing a big day out and leaving them at home, and just getting on with life when SCs aren't around?

Surely what matters is making sure there is parity and fairness where they will feel it, not making sure everything is matched step-by-step at all times. Obviously OP's baby will receive more clothing (pyjamas?!) and gifts from OP, she is her mother and what's more, the baby is present all the time. OP and DH have to provide him with everything, there is no other parent to chip in.

This whole thing is far more about OP's DH's insecurities and fears than it does about anything genuinely unfair to the older children.

I would've bought the step children a gift. They are your child's siblings.

I do find it hard to understand because this is all just so far removed from anything I've experienced with step-parents. I'm not even married to my DP yet and he still buys clothes for my child if he sees something they'd like, he wouldn't just go "no that your job, why should I?"

@Owlilac But again, it's still different. I would buy something if I saw it and thought "SS would love that" or "SD was looking for one of those" - but I wouldn't buy things just for the sake of it purely because I was getting my own child something they needed/wanted and SCs weren't even present.

OP has already said she does lots with and for her SCs, it wasn't a case of 'it's not my job', just a case of SCs wouldn't even be about when she got home with her teddy for her baby, she bought pyjamas for him presumably because he needed some, and she was going on a day out with her own friends and their young babies, not something most would assume a 12yo/teen would be interested in.

I honestly can't see anything OP has done wrong. She has not purposely gone out of her way to exclude her SCs from anything.