Every little thing has to become about DSC

[Rory11]

By my husband... Every little thing I do has to be twisted and turned into what I've not done for DSC, what I'm doing wrong, how they might feel etc...

Today's was I recently got back off a holiday and got a very small token gift for DH (some food he likes) and a little teddy for our 1 year old son. But I didn't get anything for DSC who weren't even there.

I can't buy my own fucking kid a teddy without being questioned about it.

Your last sentence, nope. That's actually the worst thing. The SC have a mum, they don't need nor want another. Treating them as her own children will not make them happy, it's confusing and a little bit odd. This is where mistakes are made, expectations are far too high.

She should treat them with kindness and respect, love them as she would any child in the family. But they are not her children and she has no right to treat them as such when their mum is still very much in the picture.

My sc is 14 years older than my child but when I went away I would have bought them some sweets or something small even if they weren't around if I had bought my dc something. Yes they have a mum but I always tried to be inclusive. They were different ages but I tried to see it that they probably felt a bit put out by having a much younger sibling and it wasn't their fault their father remarried.

Stepmums really can’t win on MN.
He sounds like he might need to sort out his own guilt towards his child.

There's clearly other issues but if you're deliberately not treating her equally to her brother then it does ,are me question if dh has a point.

Why would I treat them equally to my child, They aren't my children and yes I'd like to be able to do things for my own child sometimes as their mother.

No I'm not the poster on AIBU but I read that too. Bonkers!

I don't drive DSC to school because it's a short walk and they have a pair of working legs.

I don’t think the pyjamas, school or day out examples are the same. Clearly he’s wanting them treated the same in every situation, which isn’t possible or necessary. Parents don’t always buy kids clothing in equal amounts at the same time or take older kids to school. But now you’ve not done something which would be the normal thing in this situation, which would have been to buy them all a little something.

You both need to realise when it’s normal to treat them the same and when it’s normal not too.

Fuck that noise. You’re not unreasonable OP. At all.

Brace yourself for the ol’ regulars who hate stepmothers.

The only person who needs to treat all three exactly the same is him. He’s the only one who is a parent to all three.

I bet he does lots of guilt-motivated stuff with just them and doesn’t do anything with just your baby.

It all depends on the bigger picture. Yes they have two parents, but are also a part of your home and family and are your children's siblings.

Do you include them in some things? Or do they feel completely separate to you?

If you are kind and treat them well then your husband is being an ass. If you never include them at all then he probably has a point.

Totally unreasonable. Obviously your baby should walk to nursery then everything is fair.

It's a ten minute walk.

Presumably you hand feed your baby. Try to feed the 12yo next mealtime, out of equality. Show him what an arse he is.

That’s it now, every time you give your DC so much as an ice cream, you’ll have to buy the stepchildren an ice cream. Even when they’re not there. And wouldn’t know anything about it. And they don’t like ice cream.

I don’t always buy my three kids stuff at the same time-they grow at different rates and have different needs. DS is just about to go into 6th form and needs loads of new stuff-I certainly won’t be buying the other two loads of new clothes to compensate
Your DH is unrealistic expecting that, especially at such different ages. Yes the 12 yr old should walk 10mins to school (unless it’s lashing down or you’re going that way already). Maybe you could however spend some one on one time with DSC? Cinema/bowling/shopping? Show that you’re able to treat them as an individual, as you do your baby-and that you are able to care for them equally, but differently.
If you spend no time with DSC or treat them ever, then you are being very unreasonable and mean

Clearly there’s a bucket load of resentment towards your DSC. The reality is you’re just not on the same page as your DH, and this is going to be a continual theme in your relationship. I think whilst you didn’t consciously exclude your dscs, maybe sub consciously you did. And the more he highlights things like this, the more you will push back. Compromises have to be made, or the relationship will go nowhere fast.

"I don't drive DSC to school because it's a short walk and they have a pair of working legs."

Would you say that about your own child when they reach that age?

Plenty of parents drive their kids to school OP, that's a rather unnecessarily harsh statement and dare I say, more of an indication of the underlying attitude of not caring, that is causing the issue.

Said from the perspective of having been a Step-child, Step-parent and blood parent myself.

I get where you are coming from, but a bit of sensitivity does go a long way.

Clearly there’s a bucket load of resentment towards your DSC

Absolutely not. I do not resent my DSC at all. I resent my husband being like this over small petty stuff but no I don't resent them.

Would you say that about your own child when they reach that age?

Yes! Why on earth would I not?

If plenty of parents want to drive their children to school a short walk down the round, they can do. I don't have to think like them.

Down the road not round!

If they weren't there when you got back and gave out the presents then I don't see the issue? How will they even know about the teddy? The baby isn't going to tell tales!

@alwayslearning789 Why are you being so dramatic over a 10 minute walk? Plenty of children walk to school.

Exactly. It's all about DH and his perception of unfairness. The children don't know nor care!

I would 100% say this about my own kids.
I intentionally bought a house in a part of town where everything from schools to swimming pools to ballet lessons are within walking or cycling distance. I am in my arse spending my time ferring around teenagers. As soon as they are old enough to safely get themselves where they need to go then yeah they will do it themselves. This applies to DS and DSS.

The only time my mum drove me to secondary was after I blew out the ligaments in my knee. A healthy secondary school child is perfectly capable of walking 10 minutes to school. It is no way comparable to a 1 year old being dropped to nursery.

The people saying to cut him some slack have no idea how tiresome this is. Have you spoken to him about his attitude OP? I think a lot of step parents have to have "the talk" at some point.

Award for Best comment of the day goes to ^^

In all seriousness op that's crackers out your DP in the bin 🗑

I would have brought something for step children as well. In my mind you need to treat them as you would your own kids