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Original poster

Every little thing has to become about DSC

220 replies

Rory11 · 25/05/2022 07:13

By my husband... Every little thing I do has to be twisted and turned into what I've not done for DSC, what I'm doing wrong, how they might feel etc...

Today's was I recently got back off a holiday and got a very small token gift for DH (some food he likes) and a little teddy for our 1 year old son. But I didn't get anything for DSC who weren't even there.

I can't buy my own fucking kid a teddy without being questioned about it.

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TimBoothseyes · 25/05/2022 13:19

ElevenSmiles · 25/05/2022 13:14

Well their Dad knows.....he sees it as unfair, which it is.

So he can but something just for them then.

TimBoothseyes · 25/05/2022 13:19

*buy

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 25/05/2022 13:21

@TreatTrimTame its a hard one isn’t it?

because in each house, you felt like you were missing out on stuff that were happening when you weren’t there. Incl having cake.
Bit in the other, you wee still getting stuff when you were at your other parent, just like your step siblings were getting stuff when you weren’t there. (I’m assuming that neither of your parents were buying/giving things to the children of the other household).

I can see how one could feel like they were getting less/were an after thought even though they were getting the ‘same’ but from different places.
And I’m not sure how any parent can solve that. Because yes you can say that you will automatically get a cake for the child who is at their other parent. But if both parents do that, then they are getting twice as much as the siblings?? Which would be just as unfair.

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 13:23

alwayslearning789 · 25/05/2022 08:48

"I don't drive DSC to school because it's a short walk and they have a pair of working legs."

Would you say that about your own child when they reach that age?

Plenty of parents drive their kids to school OP, that's a rather unnecessarily harsh statement and dare I say, more of an indication of the underlying attitude of not caring, that is causing the issue.

Said from the perspective of having been a Step-child, Step-parent and blood parent myself.

I get where you are coming from, but a bit of sensitivity does go a long way.

It's a 10 minute walk to their school, not a marathon to the middle of nowhere...

funinthesun19 · 25/05/2022 13:25

Why can’t her father drive her to school if it’s that important to drive her to school rather than her walk? Once again the bar is very low for the man.

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 13:25

You can't win OP.

If you ask (sensibly) why you need to 'treat them like your own child' you'll get people saying it's awful you don't do so and that you should love them just the same as you do your own children.

If you say you do love them the same as your own, you'll be told they already have a mum and you're overstepping boundaries.

I really feel for many step parents, they're in a no win situation so much of the time.

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 13:26

Is there a reason you can't drive her to school?

Is there a reason their dad can't?

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 13:27

saraclara · 25/05/2022 12:41

Does that include disciplining them as you would your own or just when it comes to spending money?

That's a really good point. SMs seem to be expected to act like mothers over the nice things, but to not even think about disciplining or criticising the SCs because they're 'not their mother'.

Absolutely this. They can't win.

Youseethethingis1 · 25/05/2022 13:28

If he's raising his 12 year old and older teen to be the kind of kids who don't know who their own mummy is and are upset by a baby's mummy buying that baby a teddy and not buying them a present too, I think he's duty bound to have a bit of a rethink about his parenting thus far, as something has clearly gone wrong.

ElevenSmiles · 25/05/2022 13:28

Tim... Yes he can....That'll be a great game to start playing won't it ?

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 13:28

BeeDavis · 25/05/2022 12:49

I don’t understand why women commit to men who already have children if you’re not going to care about their existence. It’s just plain cruel. You’d be livid if someone treated your child like that.

You'd be livid if your kids had a stepmum and she didn't buy them something when she got her little one a teddy? Really? Gosh.

You'd say she didn't care about their existence if she didn't drive them to school? Her husband presumably doesn't either if they are walking. Does he not care about their existence either?

Tigertealeaves · 25/05/2022 13:31

What this seems like is a load of adults speculating on what some kids may or may not want. I wonder if he's actually asked them if they want any of that stuff or if they've ever said anything. Quite possibly not. Teen DSC here turns up their nose at any clothes or even sweets that are bought without pre-approval!

We had similar ridiculousness with DP insisting I buy his older kids tickets to under-8s events as well as our DC. Only for SDC to refuse to go and I'd wasted ££. It sounds more about his feelings than theirs.

TreatTrimTame · 25/05/2022 13:31

@SantiMakesMeLaugh It is definitely a hard one, with no set answer. I agree with the fact they would get double if both bought the same for everyone but then maybe would suggest a smaller something. Just something to let you know you were thought of in that household. Not every day, just for things like holidays. But then I suppose you have the fact one child is getting more than another and would it be better then to just get that stepchild nothing? I dont know. Step families are a minefield. I can see OPs point as well on days out with her baby and I think the age difference will make that a lot easier. I would have often not taken my own teen or teen stepson along with my toddler on a day out with other toddlers. But I would have suggested DH do something with them (day out or stay home and watch a film). So I think if OPs DH has an issue with it (which I can see his point), its maybe up to him to ensure his children don't feel left out or an afterthought. But I can see his point and I expect, if they find out, they will register the difference.

PleasantBirthday · 25/05/2022 13:33

Other than telling you what you should be doing, what does your husband actually do for any of the children? Does he notice whose pyjamas need to be replaced and buy for all three, or is he outsourcing all of that on to you, for example?

Too often it seems like these dads notice that something is being done for one child but not for all and they decide that this is unfair, but rather than make the cognitive leap and start doing things themselves, they just nag until someone else does it.

beachcitygirl · 25/05/2022 13:36

I'd be really interested to hear the perspective of any step parents (second wives etc) who have their own kids with ex dh & had a difficult time being step parents are now divorced & their child is the dsc if that makes sense ?

Has it changed your attitudes? Now that your child is the step child do you feel differently about anything ?

funinthesun19 · 25/05/2022 13:42

I was a stepmum for a few years and now my children might have a stepmum themselves one day.

If anything, I’d be annoyed at my ex if he started moaning about teddy bears and our teenage children walking to school. It’s like get a fucking grip and let her get on with and enjoy being a mum!

SnowWhitesSM · 25/05/2022 13:51

My dc have a step mum (dads girlfriend) and I've been a step mum twice! I don't give one flying fuck what goes on at dcs dads house. If my dc complain I say "it's your dad's house and dads rules. Were you abused? No, so crack on". I don't let him have a say in the way I do my shit either. Guess what, we get on absolutely fine and even do shared birthday meals out etc.

My dc know they are loved. I am the steady constant figure in their life. Their dad isn't, he's around and then not around. He's currently working abroad for 3 months. I could get bitter and moan about him not having them, but I don't give AF.

I also don't give AF about his girlfriend and how they operate when dcs are there and so is she. As far as I know she is kind to them, so that's all good. I don't ask questions I don't need to know the answers too. Would I expect her to take my teenagers out with her little one? No I bloody wouldn't. I try not to have expectations of anything apart from my own dcs behaviour. If they came back complaining about not going to softplay with a 2yr old I'd be having sharpish words with them about pettiness and jealousy not being nice traits to have.

SnowWhitesSM · 25/05/2022 13:58

I think 50/50 damages dc. They end up being nomads and not fitting in anywhere.

Although having my dc have my house as home and their dads as somewhere they visit has been hard at times (being the responsible parent) my dc have never had to deal with feeling like they don't belong. There's never been the myth of dads house also being their home.

beachcitygirl · 25/05/2022 14:02

SnowWhitesSM · 25/05/2022 13:58

I think 50/50 damages dc. They end up being nomads and not fitting in anywhere.

Although having my dc have my house as home and their dads as somewhere they visit has been hard at times (being the responsible parent) my dc have never had to deal with feeling like they don't belong. There's never been the myth of dads house also being their home.

This i 100% agree with. You sound fab & super grounded @SnowWhitesSM

funinthesun19 · 25/05/2022 14:08

SnowWhitesSM I’d be exactly that same as you. Thank god some of us have common sense.

DonnyBurrito · 25/05/2022 14:14

SnowWhitesSM · 25/05/2022 13:51

My dc have a step mum (dads girlfriend) and I've been a step mum twice! I don't give one flying fuck what goes on at dcs dads house. If my dc complain I say "it's your dad's house and dads rules. Were you abused? No, so crack on". I don't let him have a say in the way I do my shit either. Guess what, we get on absolutely fine and even do shared birthday meals out etc.

My dc know they are loved. I am the steady constant figure in their life. Their dad isn't, he's around and then not around. He's currently working abroad for 3 months. I could get bitter and moan about him not having them, but I don't give AF.

I also don't give AF about his girlfriend and how they operate when dcs are there and so is she. As far as I know she is kind to them, so that's all good. I don't ask questions I don't need to know the answers too. Would I expect her to take my teenagers out with her little one? No I bloody wouldn't. I try not to have expectations of anything apart from my own dcs behaviour. If they came back complaining about not going to softplay with a 2yr old I'd be having sharpish words with them about pettiness and jealousy not being nice traits to have.

I like you. Northern, by any chance? 😁

Why2why · 25/05/2022 14:20

This relationship is not going anywhere. It’s days are numbered. Sorry OP, happiness isn’t going to be a theme in this household. In fact, resentment all around. Even you DSC will come to resent you. You will resent your husband and he will resent you.

TreatTrimTame · 25/05/2022 14:22

@SnowWhitesSM I agree. I have amazing step parents in both houses but definitely felt like a nomad and like neither house was my home. Even the standard "can you take her to X?", "are you paying for X?" or "i don't know if you're with me that day, let me ask your dad" conversations always felt like I was a problem. Would much rather have had one set home and visited the other as you would a grandparents.

Why2why · 25/05/2022 14:32

wellhelloitsme · 25/05/2022 13:26

Is there a reason you can't drive her to school?

Is there a reason their dad can't?

Possibly because they share household and parenting duties? If it must be a case of you drive your child to school and I drive mine, then this relationship is not on strong footing. Both should call it a day. It sounds awful and miserable. Not good for any of the kids.

LouisRenault · 25/05/2022 14:38

Why should either of them drive her to school? It's a ten minute walk! Walking is beneficial for the girl and for the environment. Driving is not.