Every little thing has to become about DSC

[Rory11]

By my husband... Every little thing I do has to be twisted and turned into what I've not done for DSC, what I'm doing wrong, how they might feel etc...

Today's was I recently got back off a holiday and got a very small token gift for DH (some food he likes) and a little teddy for our 1 year old son. But I didn't get anything for DSC who weren't even there.

I can't buy my own fucking kid a teddy without being questioned about it.

Why does she need to think about them? Of course her husband and baby are in her mind

This is such an annoying, totally meaningless phrase people so often use on here 🙄

Yeah, cos teenagers really want to be taken to the park by their SM to sit with babies and mums.

Jesus christ.

Actually op, make them go to soft play/the park/cafe full of babies next time. Don't give them a choice.

It seems he sees a family of five, you see a family of three, he is a bit daft but he's right about the holiday gifts.

They've got both a mother and a father for that.

It’s not the same. OPs child doesn’t spend 50% of his time in her husbands ex wife’s house.

And? Both women are only responsible for their own, and are both entitled to treat and spend time with just their own. The fact that one woman has something to do with the other woman’s child through marriage doesn’t change the above. The op can buy her child a teddy the same way the dsc’s mum can treat dsc. Without either woman thinking about either woman’s child.

Both children share a father who can buy them both a teddy.

This is mumsnet, where you are expected to give up your bedroom for DSC, buy them something everytime you buy your own something, set up their bank accounts, make sure your own DP buy them Christmas and birthday presents the same amount as their own DGC, make sure they inherit the same as your own DC. I mean come on, who is going to do all of that? I don't and I'm not going to start. Truth be told, a lot of step parents I talk to in real life don't even like their SC and wouldn't care if they never saw them again. I know I wouldn't either. It's life.

So the pyjamas thing,do you ever pick up clothes just for DSC

Why would she when dsc has two perfectly capable parents? OP probably likes going out choosing her own child’s clothes.

I'm not even married to my DP yet and he still buys clothes for my child if he sees something they'd like, he wouldn't just go "no that your job, why should I?" It just really feels like resentment of having a SC

I just don't see why things like this would even come about? I don't purposefully see things they'd like and decide it's not my job to get them but equally I don't go looking through the older kids sections to try and find them something.

In the same way when I go shopping for my own clothes I don't get DH things, because I don't look in the men's section, if I did for some reason and I happened to see something he'd like then maybe I'd get it, maybe not, but I don't go in that section so have never really bought him clothes!

I don't purposefully seek out clothes for them in the same way as my DC because no, it's not my responsibility to clothe them. But that's very different to just walking past something you know they'd like and not getting it.

Does that include disciplining them as you would your own or just when it comes to spending money? It's funny that on MN when it comes to DSC the SM should only "treat them as their own" when it comes to money and attention, anything else and the cries of "they have parents to do that!" become louder.

Does that include disciplining them as you would your own or just when it comes to spending money?

That's a really good point. SMs seem to be expected to act like mothers over the nice things, but to not even think about disciplining or criticising the SCs because they're 'not their mother'.

If your DH wants everything to be so fair has he considered how he is going to compensate your poor DC for the lack of a stepmother? How unfair that his DC have a stepmother and a mother who help look after them, but your joint DC doesn't. Or is it just his DC that he feels should have everything yours does?

SM are expected to act like martyrs, not mothers. They are not allowed autonomy or opinions.

I would have got the step Dc some sweets too. I think you were wrong here. Some other examples are a bit silly as how children get to school is a pointless example.

Things like pyjamas are tricky with their ages, as I expect they'd prefer to choose their own stuff and it will be more expensive than your baby's. So on that I agree, but with my own children I have to be sensitive about buying things for one and not the other , even boring practical stuff like Socks.

I don’t understand why women commit to men who already have children if you’re not going to care about their existence. It’s just plain cruel. You’d be livid if someone treated your child like that.

I'd be livid if someone who wasn't my child's parent didn't buy them something from their holiday, take them to school or buy their clothes?

I assure you I would not.

Have you even read OP's posts? She cares about them and she is perfectly pleasant to them. But she's allowed to by her own child a tiny present, and pyjamas when he needs them, without being seen as unfair or uncaring. She's also allowed to go out with her friends and her baby, while the SCs spend time with their dad.

That's bloody ridiculous. Of course you don't need to get them anything. They have their mum to get them things!

I would just like to add a different perspective - from a step child. To be a step child you have probably (not always) already gone through something (whether it be death or a split). We had a loving step parent and new siblings in each parents house, however I felt out of place. My half siblings had both their parents together and were involved in 100% of that households activities. Their needs were factored into every aspect of that households running as they were there full time. As I spent half my time in both houses I was often an afterthought. I was not part of every memory and every activity. Even smaller things like I was given the smaller bedroom due to not being there half the time. All understandable but all add up and make you feel second class. At Christmas yes I would get things from both households but my gift piles in each house would look small compared to my half siblings (who had everything in one house). And I was always the child travelling between the houses or having parents sort out plans, payments and arrangements for.

So something like everyone in my dads house being brought a gift (even a small one) but not me would register with me. I wouldn't say anything but it would register. I would often arrived at my mums and my stepfathers mother had been round on the Sunday and brought everyone a cake. Not me, because I was at my dads. It does stay with you. And maybe the same would happen in the other house due to me not being there when someone returned from holiday or visited.

So while its true in some cases step children get 2 of everything and "have their own mum and dad doing that for them", they often don't and are an afterthought in both when theyre the children who need the most love and dont feel grounded in either home. Even by the most amazing, loving step parents. And often what theyre missing out on is so much more. So even a bag of sweets or a pen would just show they had been thought of, equal to their sibling. Not just 50% because their other parent/household is thinking of them 50% too.

So even a bag of sweets or a pen would just show they had been thought of, equal to their sibling.

But the OP's stepchildren don't know their baby brother got anything. Therefore, they don't know they didn't get anything. It's not the same.

@BadNomad i missed where OP said they wouldn't know where it came from. I didnt know if it would come out at some point if anyone asked where he got the teddy or "the teddy that came from Spain" etc.

Well their Dad knows.....he sees it as unfair, which it is.

also, to add to my comment, i feel your husband IBU by putting this on you. they are his children and while I agree fully with his sentiment its up to him to make sure they feel equal and make his own life choices.

She's also allowed to go out with her friends and her baby, while the SCs spend time with their dad.

Exactly. The way people go on and on on here about how important it is for NR children to have one to one time with their fathers, you’d think it would be a massive positive that the OP and other stepmums like her make plans that just involve her and her children. Because then the dsc get time with their dad on their own.

Spending time with their father is either important or it’s not. You can’t just decide it’s not that important on the days when the stepmum and her dc are up to something.

And? Why does his feelings trump the OP's? She wanted to buy her baby a teddy. It means nothing. It is not a personal attack on the DSC. It has nothing to do with them. It's just a mother buying her baby a teddy.