Every little thing has to become about DSC

[Rory11]

By my husband... Every little thing I do has to be twisted and turned into what I've not done for DSC, what I'm doing wrong, how they might feel etc...

Today's was I recently got back off a holiday and got a very small token gift for DH (some food he likes) and a little teddy for our 1 year old son. But I didn't get anything for DSC who weren't even there.

I can't buy my own fucking kid a teddy without being questioned about it.

Absolutely. I could drive my children to school, but I expect them to cycle or get the bus because they can.
Try taking your husband literally and treating them exactly same!
I am sure your 12 and teen step children don't want to come to soft play, have a rice cake etc.
He is being a twat.

Good. Keep doing this. He’s insane.

Why should your baby miss out on fun things for their age group, because he’s decreed his own children must be in attendance? What suits an ‘older teen’ and a nearly teen is not going to be what suits a one year old.

I strongly recommend to nip it right in the bud. If he continues to behave in this manner it will lead to divorce. Your job is to be polite to them, to make them feel welcome in your home and not to interfere with your DH's relationship with his children. It is not your job to buy stuff for them, to entertain them, to arrange thing for them, to drive them around etc. On the whole, they are still only his children, not yours. His expectations are entirely unreasonable.

I think both you and your DH are being unreasonable and I'd guess that it's because there have been issues and incidents and now you're both digging your heels in.

eg - not taking the older kids on day out with your friends and a bunch of toddlers: of course your DH is being ridiculous. I have a 4 year age gap with my DC and we often do things separately because what DS likes and DD likes are so different. Your gap is way bigger.

eg; not getting DSC a little something at the airport - YABU. The point is that you saw something and thought of DH and thought of your DC but didn't give the DSC a thought. I can see why that's upsetting. Getting them a packet of sweets or something would have been no big deal.

eg pyjamas - DH is being completely batshit.

eg driving to school - it seems a bit petty to refuse if you're in the car anyway.

It's all tit for tat with, based on your examples, half the time him being ridiculous and half you. And resentment is probably building on both sides.

What you're doing is fine. What he's doing could destroy the family.

eg driving to school - it seems a bit petty to refuse if you're in the car anyway.

Sorry I should have specified, I may be in the car anyway but I don't drive in the direction of the school so it's out of my way. For the sake of a 10 minute walk that seems stupid and a waste of time/petrol!

Presumably OP's DH wasn't even invited to these plans though? Not everyone in the household needs to always be invited to everything.

Your DSC spends half the week with you. It is his home. He does need to be treated equally.
In your DPs shoes I would divorce you.

I'd be fascinated to know why your dh's first relationship broke down?

He's very quick to criticise and demand isn't he?

Your step dc are not your kids op. There is also a huge age gap between your dc and them which makes a huge difference in what they want/need/like.

As long as you are kind and loving towards them, they don't need token gifts of 'equality'.

So the pyjamas thing,do you ever pick up clothes just for DSC.

For not buying them sweets at the airport? She'd be well rid of you.

Some people on this thread are barmy!!

I don't drive my 14 year old to school because he has two working legs. I drive my 12 year old to his special school because he doesn't have two working legs.

It is ok to treat kids differently depend on their needs ffs.

No I don't buy their clothes, their parents do.

Why would she? Aside from anything else they're teenagers who no doubt pick their own clothes and don't grow out of them like a toddler would.

I think your husband is the unreasonable one (I know it's not the aibu section though!)

As my children are a pre-schooler and in secondary school. I often get them things and not the other, DD12 just got some cosplay something or other costume which cost a fortune to come from the USA, I didn't need to level it out for them both. My pre-schooler (4, but developmentally is younger, so she is like having a toddler still) is often driven to preschool but DD12 walks, even if the rain (shocker!). We take them out separately a lot, DD12 doesn't want to hang out with pre-school kids or go to soft play, equally we take DD12 for bike rides, out for meals etc so she gets time with us without her sister too.

Your SC have 2 parents, yes you should make them feel welcome but it's not your job to make everything perfectly equal between them and your son.

Were you on holiday by yourself?

What is he protecting his child from?

With my sister.

Rory11 · Today 10:33
MrsSkylerWhite
Were you on holiday by yourself?

“With my sister”

in which case, I’d have bought a little token for all in immediate family. DSC are immediate family. Sorry, YWU.

Is he expecting you to be the primary parent in your blended family, when you are expecting him to be?

If the mother of your SDCs was the primary parent, he’s probably confused and feels put upon that he’s having to do a lot more emotional labouring, magic-making and general mental load than before (often a major factor in divorce) and now you are a mother, he resents doing it?

It’s broad strokes, but it’s super common.

How do you treat a 1yo and an older teen equally?

Do yu give them the same bedtime?
Do you buy them clothes at the same rate?
Allow them to do the same things?

Is it really a good thing to treat a 12yo or a teen as a baby? Or a 1yo like if they were 12yo? Is that good parenting in itself?

treating children equallly doens't mean doing exactely the same thing with each of them. It means giving them each what THEY need. And they will get different things because they're different people with different temperament, taste, maturity and needs.

Next time you go to soft play with your baby insist the dsc go with you. Buy them a Teddy each on the way home.

Buying your DSC something from your holiday would have been kind but apart from that your DH is being silly. He's just feeling guilty now you have your DC at home whilst his older DC aren't there all the time.
Tell him clearly, but kindly, that he's making this all about him and his feelings, not the DSC's . If he makes you unhappy and resentful then it will effect all his DC

When I read threads like this it reminds me how lucky I am to not be a step parent anymore 😂

I would have bought a holiday present back for sdc, but you didn't. Why the automatic assumption from him that you're the bad guy instead of just not thinking.

Sounds like there's a lot of resentment and issues to unpick. I hope you manage to sort it and not become bitter and resentful like I did. And obviously no you are not U to not take a 12 yr old to school.

I'd be telling him if he didn't buck up his ideas he'd have another broken relationship and child to feel guilty about. He sounds painful. Your DSC is not your child. He or she has a mother. Does the other mother buy little treats for your child when she treats her child?