To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

Her dad is very involved when he is actually present

youre describing a good uncle, not a father. A father has responsibilities. One is to actually take care of the child. He isnt doing.

Oh dear.
why is your dh working these hours?
Why is he not scheduling visiting around when he is there for his child?
Does he work every Saturday?
When do you get a break op from both your own child and your dsd?
Oh and all this nonsense about a step parent being legally responsible for a step child- wrong.
No matter what you said on your wedding day, that is not legally binding.
Hell- a biological parent can fuck off and leave their own child and there is sod all you can do about it.

I think anyone thinking of getting involved with a man with children should be made to read threads like this before they commit.
As the op said she had no idea how hard it would be and quite frankly I blame the ops dh. He sounds like a deadbeat. Wtf was he doing to get a driving ban? Without the op driving he would be fucked.

Yet another situation where the man is the root cause of all the problems. And another thread where there is a line of women telling the OP she should be doing xyz because the child needs her to do it.

Don’t be ridiculous!

In particular, their father is a man. Can’t be expected to look after the children he chose to bring into the world. That’s what wives are for!

This is why I never called my step mother anything but her name.
We got on well and she was a lovely lady but I never considered her a parent, she was just my dads wife and I was not her responsibility.

And yet another blended family where all children involved seem to live unsettled lives surrounded by adult tension and arguments

I don’t need to read mumsnet threads to know that

I will never ever blend families with anyone because
1)would be a terrible SM because my children will ALWAYS come first and foremost and no bloody way would I conceal that
2) I would never want my children to be subjected to this kind of drama and tension
3) it holds absolutely NO appeal to engage on a continuing basis with a partner’s ex and have to have their children in my home

OP hasn't said there is any arguing about it though. From reading the posts she seems to feel guilty for it but nothing to say DH is arguing about it.

1)would be a terrible SM because my children will ALWAYS come first and foremost and no bloody way would I conceal that that's absolutely fine, their dad/mum can look out for their interests.
2) I would never want my children to be subjected to this kind of drama and tension OP hasn't said there is any drama or tension about this.
3) it holds absolutely NO appeal to engage on a continuing basis with a partner’s ex and have to have their children in my home fair enough. You wouldn't have to engage with the ex but if you refuse to have your partners children in your home I agree it's probably not the wisest move for you.

The op started a thread lLAST MONTH

I'm looking for advice on how to co-parent our 8 month old with my exP.

sounds a wonderful environment does it not?

So last month your DH was you ex OP?

If that's right OP then absolutely no way should you be doing anything like this for his child. It's confusing for her.

Not a refusal

i just would never ever start a relationship with a man with children because the chances of problems later down the line are too high

honestly - the idea of other children under my roof, in my space, in my children’s space - utterly unappealing and would be so unfair for all concerned

Here is the

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4538059-toughen-up-with-a-baby

and another one about the ex benefiting from the split

sounds like a shit show

This man is essentially abusing his baby son

shouting at him
forcing him in to his high chair

OP, if he was your ex last month, this arrangement must have been put in place almost straight away when you got back together. He’s thrown you right in the deep end when trying to make it work hasn’t he?

Honestly, your position I’d be thinking seriously about calling it a day for good.

I know this is ridiculous, but the whole driving ban thing thing has me singing this: m.youtube.com/watch?v=EqkBRVukQmE

🤣🤣🤣

This is so sad. Basically you were happy playing mummy until you had a child and realised it's hard work and now you want to step back? I hope your DH doesn't move on again and your son develops a relationship with his new partner who then decides to drop your son when she has a child.

Absolutely. It’s so fucking depressing!

Ridiculous and so many other word I can think of when discussing someone being banned from driving

Well it is a song that features a scummy man with a driving ban…

I'd say what is sad is yet again a mother and father don't seem to want to put themselves out to make arrangements which work for their child, instead happy to leave it to the SM who is now struggling with picking up their slack.

You sound like a wonderful step-parent. I wish more were like you (including my own).

His sleep was good until 3 months, then awful, then okay at 6 months, and now it's awful again.

OP that is comletely normal. There is a sleep regression at 3-4 months and another at 9 months. This is just a temporary issue. I remember how hard it is (and I had children less than two years apart) but it passes and is not worth disrupting DSDs contact time for.

She is old enough to do nice calm activities like colouring or watching a movie so that it is minimal effort for you. I know it's a hard stage but you do seem to be going over the top about it tbh. It all sounds totally normal, people just manage and it gradually gets easier. Do you think you might have PND?

He breastfeeds through the night, it's very quick and it gets us both back to sleep in the least disruptive way. DP doesn't sleep in the same room as us, and he takes DS in the morning for as long as possible until he's ready for a nap/milk. I am not going to push anything on DS that I don't feel he is ready for, and then when I do, any change will be gradual. I'm not starting back at work until he is 2.

And this. You say this is the least disruptive way to manage things but it is clearly causing a great deal of disruption. You barely sleep and are struggling to cope. So it's time to look at alternatives: expressing so DH can do 50% of the nights, or combi-feeding.

He is 9 months old. Many women are working full time by that point and managing a baby. You need to try alternative options to find something to improve this situation. Your DSD is not the issue.