To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

Your not being unreasonable. You have just had a baby. Contact is for the parents to spend time with their children.

You can love your SC and not want to be a childminder. Your allowed space to breath, newborns are hard. Your allowed downtime.

Whether you want her to know that you don’t want to deal with her- she will.

it’s fine that you don’t want her. But it will affect her relationship with you and her sibling.

I can see that is tough, and I am a step parent, but I think that really, for the sake of one evening a week, you should keep going with this. It is tough having a new baby, and an older child, whether they are both your DC, or SDC. Is she really up that long after she comes round though, or could she have an hour with you and be in bed for 8.30 so you can have some downtime?

I'm surprised her mum tolerated the child not being picked up until 9pm on a Saturday night - seems crazy for all concerned.

On a practical level, could her mum bring her to you at 5pm instead of you doing the picking up and having to take your baby out for the drive there and back.

Her dad can barely have a relationship with her with this schedule, what can he do to change his work so he's actually around when she is? Would it be better for him to have her Sunday and then take her to school Monday morning.

YABU, sorry she's part of your family. No she's not yours but you knew what you were getting into. You can't replace her with your baby. Honestly we all get a little tired even with our own children when we have a baby, but we push through. And yes I spend many weary hours on my own with the kids.

Imo you are missing a great opportunity for your dc to form an invaluable relationship with it's sibling.. Don't underestimate how much you will appreciate dsd being able to amuse your dc before too long. Being seen as the one who is changing her routine isn't a risk I would be taking...

I think stopping giving your DSD your time and attention now that you've got your own child is a big mistake. She will feel unloved and unwanted. Either your DH needs to change things around so he can be there for her, or you need to suck it up.

Even though I am happy to spend time with her when it's the 4 of us? I know once DS is more up and running and needs less from me, it will free up energy for her so I can happily look after her on my own again. I just can't mentally cope with doing everything for two on my own at the moment, to be honest. I end up snappy and neither of them get me at my best. It's not that I don't want her, I'm just exhausted by the baby. He is relentlessly hard work.

I don't know which is worse, her spending less time with me one to one, or ending up just getting the scraps of me when I am looking after her on my own?

Personally, I think your husband needs to arrange his contact so that he can actually look after his daughter. 🤷🏻‍♀️

And he needs to learn to drive.

Presumably he gets home quicker to you if you pick her up, so I think I’d still pick her up.

YANBU OP.

This was me 5 years ago. Be honest with your other half now. It’s up to him to sort things with the ex. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to change things.
Absolutely prioritise what you and your baby need.

Poor little girl.

shes been in your life since she was three.

you took her on as part of the package when you married her father. You accepted an important role in her life and know you want to ditch her because you basically don’t find her fun anymore.

you need to find solutions to get better support. I don’t this it’s very nice that your solution is to basically ditch this little girl from the role she has had in your life.

Why's she up so late? Get her to bed at 8pm and enjoy your evening.

Your baby needs sleep training to give you some sanity back too.

Your DH needs to sort out his contact time.

So what would you do with your son if you had a second? Not want to deal with him because you are tired?

Why can't the child be picked up early on Sunday morning and you go back to bed with baby so that even if you're not sleeping you are at least resting in peace with just you and baby.

Husband can then entertain his daughter and then you come down when you are ready and you are then all together doe the remainder of the day.

What's wrong with that?

What would you do if she was your child?

You wouldn't make an older sibling feel pushed away and say "sorry I have no energy for you until your sibling is older". Lots of people care for two kids or more 24/7 time on their own. Yes it's tiring. All of this should have been considered before adding a baby to the family so that you could all make sure that the older sibling isn't neglected emotionally or made to feel unwanted.

If you've spent 1:1 time with her previously she will absolutely feel you are pushing her away and you should expect long-term damage to your relationship with her if you do this. You need to speak to your partner and work out a solution together that means his daughter does not have her time at your house reduced or disrupted. You're very lucky she's taken so well to having a younger sibling.

Babies tend to go through a phase around 9 months old where their sleep goes to pieces, then it improves again shortly afterwards. It's a developmental thing. You sleeping in two hour stretches only: is this a recent thing? If so it's a short-term issue so just ride it out. None of this is the older sibling's fault. If you've only had two hours of sleep at a time for the whole 9 months, I'd question why your partner is not giving you a break? It's unusal for a child to sleep so poorly for so long unless there is a health issue. If I were you I would focus on ways to fix the sleep situation so you get some rest.

Youre not unreasonable in the slightest. Your husband is the problem and he needs to change his work or his contact time so he actually spends some time with his child. Why you're being berated instead of him I have no idea

Yeah she is here all day with us on Sundays, she stays on a Saturday night so she can wake up with us and have a proper family morning and day with us, instead of spending the day in the car doing pick ups and drop offs.

This. I remember dds dad saying oh I'll pop round after work, that would be 8/9pm she would be about 12-18m at the time and of course asleep by then and he didn't get it for a long time and seemed offended.

Your dp needs to parent his child more, not just a half arsed Saturday night.

It’s not the same as if she were the OP’s child though. You muddle through because there’s no alternative.

There is an alternative here. The SD’s parents agree a contact schedule that actually works for their jobs and allows them to be present for the time they have her.

It’s a huge difference. And not ‘shutting SD out’. She’d be with her mother or with her father. And the OP could join in with family life and have a lovely relationship with her in that context. That’s a win for the child.

I don’t know why NR parents pretend they are having contact but just delegate it to their wife. He works til late on Saturdays so the sensible thing would be to organise contact for when he’s not working.

I think you're fine.

If you had posted saying this was your biological child, and you were shattered and struggling, I would be saying the same. You obviously care about her and you do what sound to me like lovely (but quite involved) activities like baking etc with her. Plenty of people with newborns don't manage to keep doing that sort of thing with their older children as much as they'd like. In your case, it seems like a no-brainer that this should be a time when your DP steps in to do a bit more.

Your DP doesn't sound to be taking much responsibility for the impact his job/his inability to drive is having on the family. If he's working until 9 on the day he's meant to have his DSD, and he can't drive, that's really not fair on anyone.

Have her Sunday to Monday. Her dad can do a normal family school run on the Monday morning.

People see SC and go into ‘poor child’ mode. This lets their parents get away with all sorts.

it’s a remarkable slight of hand.

Why are you the only driver at the moment?
Also, if your baby had a better sleep routine (in his own cot) you would sleep better and life would be easier.
And put him down. He needs to get used to not being held 80% of the time. You are making things very hard for yourself.