To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

Oh ffs. She doesn’t need to do anything differently unless she wants to. The way she’s caring for her baby is absolutely fun and none of anyone else’s business. The patronising know it all tone of some of the responses on here is ridiculous. Having had a baby doesn’t make anyone an expert on anyone else’s baby.

No ones said DSD is the problem, including OP. The dad is the problem and his working pattern.

YABU she was part of Tom your life before and you took an active role. I understand it's hard work but I think it would be damaging for the family unit if you decided not to look after her

I don't know... I think it's a lot more damaging that DH doesn't seem to want to be spending time with his child and dumping his child and parental responsibility including bonding time on his GF but heck.

Sure let's blame the OP for any damage the child's parents are causing.

@Midlifemusings OP is a deadbeat when it comes to financial responibility for the child she created.

OPs will be on maternity. I'm not sure how your calling OP a deadbeat sounds like she's providing and looking after her child and DSC 😵‍💫 but legally has one.

She's also been providing unpaid childcare for her DSC. The fact remains that contact time is for the parent to spend child with their parent which isn't happening. That's not on the OP.

I'm sure you wouldn't call DSC mum a deadbeat for not working on maternity leave or even many years after maternity leave so I'm guessing this only applies to SMs ?

Bizarre thought process.

If Dad is a deadbeat for not providing childcare while he works then OP is a deadbeat by not working while providing childcare. If dad is expected to do both, then OP should be as well. Don't you think it is a parent's responsibility to financially care for their child? How can dad both be at work to do double duty since OP is not pulling her own weight financially and also be at home looking after his children? If dad quits his job andto be the same as OP and spends his time with his two children and is available to be sure that he can be a full parent to his daughter - who is going to pay for rent and food and necessities?

And she said she isn't going back to work until the child is 2. That isn't mat leave.

@candlesandpitchforks DH is at work, I presume he needs to work and can't just swap his work hours easily. Family is team work and if OP previously helped with childcare in a Saturday I think it unreasonable for her to now not want too.

No one is to blame really, life's hard with a NB and I feel for OP but that's life

@Midlifemusings ok you seemed to be confused.

Dad has two children. OP has one. OP is on maternity leave and doing her share and his share of the child care and is a fairly weird flex to assume (since she hasn't posted about her financial situation) she's not financially contributing since 0 has been mentioned about it.

Secondly I haven't called dad a deadbeat and I don't think anyone else has.

Dad willingly created two children, op created one . One of them he is openly not caring for. He could switch his shifts, as women have been doing for many many years flexing their work around their kids to be able to parent and shock work.

Maternity pay stops when you return to work or start working. Also if she's working who's going to be looking after the children, suddenly his free childcare would be gone. Then I imagine he would be annoyed or would he have to find a way to parent his child and "gasp" work too.

Oh the horror.

As a stepchild I would have been really upset if either of my parent dumped me for the limited contact time I had with them, to work. Or does that logic only apply to men as a get of jail I don't need to look after the children I create clause.

If you believe this then really you need to set your bar higher for men in your life tbh

Problem is and I hate to say it. I have been a single parent and worked full time and spend time raising my child.

It's hard, but that that's parenting. DH is the parent in this situation but doing non of the parenting.

I bet money DSC would prefer to have time with her dad than her SM. As lovely as you can be as a SP, you are not the child's parent and kids know this.

@candlesandpitchforks you seem confused now. That's what the new wife is for. To make it so that dad doesn't have to alter anything about his work. She knew what she was getting into after all.
"Why have a dog and bark yourself?" as the saying goes.

Oh and SM obviously is the parent, it was in the marriage vows apparently.
Fascinating that the marriage vows don't have to consult or in any way refer to the child's mother giving consent for this new arrangement, but I guess that's just life.

I guess we woulnd only know if we spoke to her DH and found out that he is just working Saturday evenings for fun and could easily choose to work a 8-4 day 5 days a week so he can be with his two kids and wife every evening, pick his daughter up from school, and be with them all weekend.

I guess it is possible he just wants to work weekends and evenings and is avoiding time at home. We don't know that without asking him. Maybe he makes tons of money and could easily just only work a few hours or change jobs.

And there are posts calling him a deadbeat.

OP is finding it very difficult being home with the child. If she went back to work and got childcare, and was contributing to the finances then he could workless and get a break from the child. That would be best as everyone could have more balance.

WIthout knowing if he needs to work or is just choosing to work - your point that he needs to just change jobs and be home evenings and weekends isn't really a pracitical solution.

I think that both parents have responsibilities for their children - both childcare and financial but when one parent only does one - it limits the other parent's ability to do both. Just like if only OP was working and DH wasn't - she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with her son either.

There are many many jobs that have shift work and people have to work them. It isn't possible for every parent to only work during school hours. Not for men or women. I worked for years in healthcare and the majority of nurses are women - and they are away evenings and weekends from their kids too. Once kids are in school, there are limited times you can see them and if you have to work evenings and weekends in your profession, you can only see your kids when you are off work and they aren't in school. That is reality.

Her DH's daughter exists. She is a person and she isn't going to just poof disappear because OP had a baby. DH sounds like he is trying - he is working long hours and trying to be as present as possible in his daughter's life. Someone has to pay rent and bills and food don't they and right now only one person feels they should take on that responsibility for the son. I don't know if the daughter's mother contributes towards expenses and takes on financial respsosibility for her daughter.

I know got this bizarre notion in my head that child rearing can be done by both the sexes and the people who actively create kids are the ones responsible for raising them (both men and women) and child rearing isn't just woman's work.

I had forgotten that second wives = unpaid unappreciated childcare in dictionary. My bad 😂

That said I'm happy to have my DSC if needed but she would be upset if she didn't get time with her dad and the mum part in me wouldn't want to be with a bloke who didn't priories his child against work.

The line for me is happy to help out but it's not a expecting , it's not a duty as my DSC has to loving and involved parents.

No, just no. Her parents should be caring for her, rather than you running yourself ragged. Your husband needs to change his working hours or the contact times / days. Too much will be pushed onto you if you’re not careful

@Midlifemusings your right we can't know unless we get DH side of things but since mumsnet doesn't offer this type of perspective all we can do is give comment to the facts OP has laid out. We have no facts about finances.

Maybe he's got a Uber doba job that has no flexibility, (doubtful otherwise he would pay for childcare ) but the thing is a job is a choice, being a parent isn't. It isn't something you can opt out of or should I say shouldn't be something you can't opt out of.

It's not like DSC is there every night, the child doesn't live with dad. I'm all for you have to make scarifies re work and a child, I would be with my kids 24hrs a day if I could but I do need to provide for them, but they are with me full time so this isn't reducing 7 days of contact down to evenings and weekends, this is reducing the two days every other weekend down to zero which I don't think is fair however way you slice it.

Many stepmums look after their DSC and love/care for their SC but ultimately know they aren't the ones the children want to spend time with. I also know this as a mum on the other side with my Dd and SM.

Which I think is completely normal and fair. What's not fair is the expection that SM needs to plug the wholes with the entirety of their souls for parents who opt out.

But that's only IMO the responses are fairly varied

@candlesandpitchforks

I just think the idea that the child has no rights or space in a home or family unless their biological parent is present is a really unfortunate one.

My friend has kids and is now remarried with more kids with her new husband. I can't imagine her husband insisting she get her kids out of the home anytime she leaves the house as they are her responsibility and he should never do anything for them as most on this thread believe. She runs to the store, goes to the gym, and does all kinds of things while he stays home with all the kids and vice versa. And he will often run one of the her kids to an activity or while is busy with something else. If he is doing dishes or laundry or cooking, he does it for the family not only for his own children. He even stayed with them when she used to work night shifts. I can't imagine him expecting her to bundle them up at 11:00 pm and take them to an overnight daycare center because he had a "those aren't my kids and you need to look after your own kids".

And for people to think he was some kind of saint going above and beyond and that my friend was shirking her parental responsibilities is just such a weird view to me.

There is no sense of this isn't their home - they just get to be here while their mom is here but as soon as she goes to work or leaves the house the kids need to go too because they are her kids and she needs to do 100% of all care for them. It makes me sad for kids in that situation who are unwanted in their home and family by anyone who isn't biologically related. Even if a step parent can't conceptualize a step child as part of their family and to them it is just their partner's child whose presence they need to tolerate sometimes - many people will do things for their partner's families (help out their elderly parents or other relatives) even if they aren't blood related.

Thankfully the step parents I know in my own life have very very different approaches and philosophies than the ones on this thread. I don't know of any that have the view that is on here.

How much time does your partner spend with your son during the week? I am wondering if you are responsible for his care 24/6 and if this is contributing to the feelings of being overwhelmed. Does he work until 9pm 6 days a week?

I just think the idea that the child has no rights or space in a home or family unless their biological parent is present is a really unfortunate one
My own son has no right to be in this, his one and only home, if DH or I aren't present to care for him. Failing that, a willing babysitter. Willing being the operative word.
And no, being a resident step parent of either sex is in no way the same as a one night per week arrangement. It's a very odd comparison IMO.

@Midlifemusings Being a live in partner to a resident parent who has their children most or all of the time is very different from being the partner of a NRP. Reasonable step parenting relationships can and do vary a great deal more in those circumstances.

@Midlifemusings " I just think the idea that the child has no rights or space in a home or family unless their biological parent is present is a really unfortunate one. "

I think your conflating issues here. I have never ever stated a SC has no rights or space in their home unless biological parent is there. My SD has two homes and has space and right here as much as she does at home my DP being here or not.

However I come from the school thought that SP also have right and space in their own home as their step children but a sp time isn't something that's owed but something that can be given. Freely.

I think to expect people to do things to the detriment to a child emotional well-being entitled.

However I do believe about respecting a child's wishes both emotionally or otherwise and most children wish to spend their time with their parents. This isn't about a child's space or rights stopping a child visiting. This about a dad opting out of parenting a child he created.

For instance I pay for my Dd horse in its entirety, if anyone said I had to buy her a horse, feed it and store it, pay for lessons , they would be laughed at. I do it because I care for her but I don't have to do it. It's a nice thing to do, but not anything I do because of any marriage vows I said.

Indeed. It’s not merely about rights and space. It’s about supervision and an adult taking responsibility for them.

Stepparents aren’t required to take responsibility. Parents are. Or should be. But as so many of these threads show, many people don’t think fathers need to look after their own children. And think stepmothers have more responsibility than parents.

The argument throughout this thread is that one should have zero responsibilities for any child who is not their own and that they should do zero for any step child as that is 100% the responsibility of the bio parent and that is completely unreasonable for the child to ever be at the house without her father present. Where they live doesn't change it not being the step parents child.

So when he is 14 or 16 what will you do when you or his other parent isn't present in the home. If he has no right to be in the space - will you require him to always leave when there isn't a biological parent present? What if you want to run to the store and he is sleeping in as a teen - will you get him up and kick him out until you are back?

That should be the starting point but most SPs would probably agree making sure they don't come to harm is a sensible responsibility to take on if they wish. I don't allow them to beat each other up but frankly if I didn't care I could just walk out the house and leave them to it unless DH has asked me before hand to look after them.

If I'm not allowed to get too involved and overstep my place then who can blame me for getting less and less involved?