To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

Feel for you OP , I’m a step parent and hate when people say ‘you knew what you were getting into’. Knowing and living it are too separate things. Originally reading your OP I thought nope you shouldn’t have to do that. However, your DC and DSD are siblings in time this will be a fantastic time for the two siblings to bond and play together.

may I suggest a compromise maybe say to DH for now you are emotionally and physically exhausted and can’t do it, can he look at alternatives and then your DC will be more independent in a few months.

the relationship between siblings is very important and should be nourished

I won't be having a second, my son is extremely hard work and it has completely put me off having more myself.

All the posters saying what would you do if she was your DC are ignoring the face DSC isn't her child and DSC has a mother and a father and that father is sadly not adjusted his work schedule to ensure he's spending time with his DD.

This isn't a story of poor sc unloved and unwanted, it's a story of a mum with a difficult baby without adding a whole lump of you have to be unpaid childcare.

Op in blended families you often find SM and the second children are placed at a lower level of need. All parties in this family are equal and right now it seems your doing the extra parenting for your DH.

If this was my ex with my DD I would be angry at him for shoving his parenting time on to a new mum. I'm surprised other's don't feels this way tbh

What @SoggyPaper said

Her father needs to actually be present during contact.

Either he rearranges work or he rearranges contact. She and her mother will remember that he didn’t have time to see her on the one contact night. My father was habitually absent. I don’t speak to him.

The sleep deprivation is real. You need to rest when you can, and don't feel bad. The contact is between the parents of the child. Of course you welcome the step daughter and be there for her, but you cannot continue as you are.

Her dad needs to apply for a flexible work arrangement that means he no longer works Saturday nights. If he is not willing to do that he will need to come up with some other solution. Early pick up on day day morning sounds best to me.

"You knew what you were getting into"....the classic line 🙄

What's wrong with that is that the SD's Mum I'd never getting a night off.

Have you spoken to your DP about how you feel OP? If not, I think you definitely need to. It's not unreasonable to say you're struggling and can't do it anymore, he needs to help come up with a solution.

It isn't fair on SD to drop contact and she will definitely feel as if the baby has pushed her out, but it's on her Dad to make sure contact still goes ahead, not you.
Can he change his work shifts about so he's working late a different night/finishes early on a Saturday? Could he look for a new job? Change his overnight contact day to a day he's not working so late?

Completely agree @candlesandpitchforks

@Tothepoint99 but it’s true - show knowingly and willlingly accepted this role in a small childs life.

it baffles me that some people think that marrying someone with young children does not mean that you accept that you will have a role and responsibilities towards that young child.

I suspect that in this case the ops husband does need to step up more - but that doesn’t change the
ops role and responsibilities that she accepted towards her step daughter.

the moral answer is to get her dh to step up - not to ditch her step daughter.

this is a young girl.

What a tough situation, I really feel for you OP. You will definitely be the bad guy if you stop the arrangement, despite it being a huge favour in the first place.

That said, this is entirely of your DP's making. If he could drive, you wouldn't have to be ferrying her back and forth with a young baby in tow. If he wasn't working until 9pm on Saturdays, he could be at home actually spending time with his DD.

You are knackered, and becoming resentful because your DP is making extra work for you.

The way I see it, your DP needs to:
A. learn to drive
B. rearrange his work pattern so no Saturdays
C. If B not possible, he needs to look for a new job

Once you have less of the grunt work to do with your DSD and more of the fun times, your frustration will probably disappear, and it's more likely the old feelings will come back. But only if your DP makes the necessary changes, and quickly.

How are you managing during the holidays when you have 50/50?

Your baby is irrelevant to this and I mean that nicely. This is about DSD having contact primarily to see her father and he either needs to finish on a Saturday before she comes over or he switches contact to start on a night when he’s off earlier, maybe Friday. This arrangement shouldn’t have been in place at all and you’ve tried it but you can’t do it any longer.

You and her mother have each taken on too much to make life easier for him when he only has her one night a week.

As for your son, you’re going a great job and you don’t need to listen to anyone telling you to put him down more or change the way you sleep. Babies do what babies do. Good mums do whatever they can to meet their needs.

Your DSD has two parents, your baby has two parents. It’s not your job to run yourself ragged caring for a child who has a mum and dad who should be organising contact in a more sensible way.

The situation you're describing is really common whether sd or dd... Most parents in this situation just accept things have to be really basic for a while. Tv instead of baking for instance. Omg when my dd went through a year of giving me 2hrs sleep a night in 10-20 minutes chunks I have no idea how I got through it looking back, ds was a toddler, but I do remember feeling very guilty at the amount of tv my eldest watched and I never ever finished a sentence cos I couldn't finish a thought. 😆 So, you're not alone.
But she is old enough that you can talk to her. Make her a partner in this predicament. Explain that you love her just as much but you are like a wrung out dishcloth with nothing left to give and your just concentrating on coping. Tell her it's temporary and normal, grown ups sometimes have to do this. Tell her while this is the situation you will be a pallet version of your previous self but it will all come back, and this time is going to be about nurturing the new family member... not at anyone's expense in the long run but for the benefit of all, in the long run. A well cared for baby becomes a happy member of the family. That you're still there for her but you can't fire on all cylinders when you're not sleeping so she needs to be patient with you.
That takes care of her reading the wrong message, keeps her in the loop, she may feel flattered you are trusting her to be taken into your confidence. And reassured that you recognise the change and it isn't permanent (though I bet it feels like it to you)
Meanwhile, for your sake, get your dp to do more if at all possible, be more available for his dd etc if it can be done. Work demands are what they are, but an honest examination of what could be changed to help you would be good.
Hang on in there, it will be much better very soon.

Fair play to you you've helped out for 3 months so I don't know why people are saying you've treated her badly if you stop now rather than focusing on the fact you did a massive favour for 3 months when you have a baby!

Personally I'd never have got involved with pick up, if it wasn't working DH needed to change his hours or the days he sees her or come to any other arrangement with mum.

Why is he the only driver - is this choice? Or he needs lessons? Or is it a medical thing? Or did he get banned for speeding etc? (If he got banned then he should definitely be dealing with taxis and stuff it if it takes him ages to get home).

Sorry that should have said why are you the only driver?

*As for your son, you’re going a great job and you don’t need to listen to anyone telling you to put him down more or change the way you sleep. Babies do what babies do. Good mums do whatever they can to meet their needs.

Your DSD has two parents, your baby has two parents. It’s not your job to run yourself ragged caring for a child who has a mum and dad who should be organising contact in a more sensible way.*

Absolutely This ⬆️

She's not replacing her! DSC was never OP's responsibility in the first place.

You as a stepmum accept a role on DSC life but no one should think it's normal for a SP to do more of the parenting of a DSC than you know the actual parents.

Which is what's happening here.

SP have no teeth legally or otherwise but when it comes down to not wanting to do unpaid for childcare suddenly a SP is vilified for not wanting because it's convenient for the parents to dump it on a 3rd person.

We all know being a first time mum is hard and I'm always surprised that the comments on these types of posts would be totally different if the word step mum wasn't mentioned. As women you think we would do better but here we are.

Op, you absolute monster. How could you do this to your poor poor DSD. You clearly hate and resent her to have offered to help out for 3 months but now expect her actual parent to be around to parent her. Who cares if you're tired, you knew what you were getting into and you should always put more effort into parenting someone else's child than they do. For shame 🙄

Your partner needs to support you to get more sleep. If he's finishing work that late then presumably he's around for a lot of the morning.
When the baby wakes for the day give him a quick feed then go back to sleep, your partner can take him downstairs and occupy him and give him breakfast so you can get a few hours undisturbed sleep now that he's at an age where he's not only able to have milk.

If your partner is also being woken in the night then try him sleeping in DSDs bedroom when she's not there so he's getting undisturbed sleep and able to wake up early with the baby.

With DSD don't feel like you need to entertain her in the evening, it's fine for Saturday evenings to be dinner then film night before bed, save the quality time for Sundays.

It’s not the OP’s job to give her SD’s mum a break.

It is literally incredible that anyone is defending a man who has contact with his child one night a week and chooses a night he works til after bedtime to have it on. Seriously? That’s ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.

Her SD's mum?!

Thank you so much for this response. I have tried to explain a bit and she can be quite switched on while we talk, but then goes back into 6 year old mode quite quickly and I feel like it's been in one ear out the other. I think to comprehend that it's not personal at all is a bit complex for her level of maturity at the moment so I haven't really 'confided' in her like this, but I will attempt to reiterate it. That's good advice I think, thank you. She constantly asks to do things with me like we used to (baking, playing board games, stuff that requires me to be in kids entertainer mode...), I hate having to say no so much so I end up doing it anyway. I don't want for her to remember everything got dull and boring for her once her sibling arrived. Because she only has a short amount of time with us/me, I don't want to keep saying no let's just watch TV 😕