To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

I am a step parent, a step child and a parent btw. I've seen this from all sides.
Just because as a family you may have had a good blended experience doesn't mean no step parent ever is allowed to dissent.

OP, that sounds really rough for you but I think I'd really try and continue. Is there anyway the DSDs Mum could bring her over rather than you having to collect her? Also, are there any grandparents or other relatives who could help out?

Im just wondering how it would be of she was your child? Lots of people have 2 children. You cant just stop caring for the first one when another arrives!

But she’s not her child?
If she was her child then it would be a completely different dynamic. She would have her own proper routines in place and would do things her own way. Not the way two other adults have decided for her. The relationship itself would be completely different.

I’m sure those of us with more than one have all been stressed and exhausted at some point. I have 4 so I know that feeling well. But we just adjust to it and get on with it because they’re our children. Op would do the same if she had two children. But at the moment she’s a mum of 1 so let’s not pretend she’s given birth twice and is in the same boat as a woman in that position because she’s absolutely not. She has no legal responsibility towards the older child at all.

If the child was hers, she might have the support from family in the way of sleepovers and afternoons at grandparents.

Some of the wording on here is vile. Visitation. Contact. The dsd is surely coming to her second home?
With the best will in the world, spending one day a week doesn't a second home make, especially when your parent isn't even there for hours after you arrive by design.
She's not coming to see the house or her SM, she's coming to see her dad.

Yes, and if dad isn't even there then the next person to look after her instead should be mum, not someone who just married their dad.

Of OP decided to move out what would they do? They should do that.

I understand you are struggling but you will get through this.
If she was your child with dh, you would because you'd have to.
I'm not being intentionally horrible but the fact is that you agreed to nurture this little girl through thick and thin when you married her Dad, and this is what you must do. For her.
Good luck and I wish you all the best.

Contact is the actual term for it. The proper, legal term. It’s not vile. It’s what it is.

If she was your child with dh, you would because you'd have to.

But she’s not. Op is not the equivalent of a mum of two.

Except she's not her child

You don't marry your stepchildren. Pretty sure they were not mentioned once during my wedding, but neither was DD.

Please stop with the emotional blackmail..

I'm not being intentionally horrible but the fact is that you agreed to nurture this little girl through thick and thin when you married her Dad, and this is what you must do. For her
No, that's what her parents agreed to do when they produced her.
There is nothing in marriage vows about new spouses owing more of themselves to a child than the parents do.

The bar for men is so unbelievably low. It’s all his wife’s fault clearly that’s he’s banned from driving and arranges contact that he can’t facilitate.

There is nothing in your wedding vows about taking on all the responsibility for stepchildren. They are in-law relations. I don’t have to view my MIL as my mum because I married her son.

I am actually suprised how many people don't view a half sibling as a sibling and don't think that there should be any expected contact with the sibling even when sharing the same home.

If OP went on to have another child with another man, I wonder if the same view that there is no need for them to bond because they aren't 'true' siblings would be present and that contact and bonding is only with parents and not siblings unless you share both parents.

This view is pretty counter to what I have seen in the real world. Lots of families raise half siblings equally and encourage and nurture that bond.

It’s the shared parent’s responsibility to nurture half sibling bonds. In their contact time.

Depends on the marriage vows! Some people do recognize their children in their marriage vows and some even include them in the ceremony. Many people see it as blending families and not as we are now a couple and our own family and then there is this child on the outside that isn't part of our family. There are many men and women who do accept that if they marry a partner with a child then that child will be welcome in their home and lives. Granted it is also on the parent to ensure the person they are marrying will welcome that child and not only be faking wanting the child to get married and have their own kids.

When it goes wrong it because those nasty witches were faking it to get their ring and baby?

lovely.

the legally binding bit of marriage has nothing to do with SC. That’s why it doesn’t confer parental responsibility.

putting a bit in the vows you write yourself is the same as deciding to have Ed Sheehan as your walking down the aisle music or any other choice you made. It’s not what you’re legally signing up to.

Thanks again for the replies, I'm still unsure about how to proceed but I have told DP that I am totally exhausted and I don't have it in me to look after them both on my own. No, not even for 4/5 hours. I had them both from Friday night to Sunday morning on my own a few weeks back, I'm not sure I've recovered yet. I was asked to have her on my own for 2 full days this week while her mum is away and DP is working, it filled me with dread to be honest and I said no. I feel guilt for that but I'm not sure that's entirely fair. I guess that's also reflected here in the mixed opinions.

The reality is this isn't my daughter, this is a child who I care for a great deal and have been in the life of for a long time, but I'm not her mother and our relationship is much more fragile than that. I don't want to ruin it one way or the other, either by being exhausted, snappy and not fun when I do see her one-to-one (+DS)... or by not seeing her one-to-one until I have the mental energy for it. Unless it was an emergency, I do think I have the option to pull out of this arrangement temporarily, considering she does already have a very involved mother. Her dad is very involved when he is actually present.

In terms of "you knew what you were getting into"... Well genuinely, I had no idea how hard having a baby could be. DS is totally different ball game to when DSD was a baby (from all accounts) and has thrown us both through a loop. Everyone who looks after my son for a few hours is exhausted afterwards, he is huge, he is very physically active and demanding in lots of ways. He doesn't have a physical disability, who knows if there is something else going on though? I do wonder sometimes. Developmentally everything is on track though, he is just really full on. I can cope fine with him most of the time, but add another child on top with different needs who I only have a short window to spend quality time with... I find it too hard to juggle and I end up losing my patience with them both.

His sleep was good until 3 months, then awful, then okay at 6 months, and now it's awful again. I'm not considering any sleep training until he at least 1 and his solids intake through the day is better. He breastfeeds through the night, it's very quick and it gets us both back to sleep in the least disruptive way. DP doesn't sleep in the same room as us, and he takes DS in the morning for as long as possible until he's ready for a nap/milk. I am not going to push anything on DS that I don't feel he is ready for, and then when I do, any change will be gradual. I'm not starting back at work until he is 2.

I appreciate all the suggestions and going to mull things over whilst getting some time with her today. Thanks again, all.

We actually had a sand pouring ceremony with DSD at our wedding, symbolising the creation of a new family. I didn't become her new mummy though, and I married DH alone.
There's alot of stops in between totally shunning the child of your husband and becoming a truly equal (to both biological parents and the the child too - if they don't believe it as much as you then you're just deluded) third parent and it can be disheartening to see so many people can't seem to grasp that.

I'm not being intentionally horrible but the fact is that you agreed to nurture this little girl through thick and thin when you married her Dad, and this is what you must do. were you at their wedding? If not then you have no idea what was in their wedding vows.

This will probably go against what most people think but I e seen this work in reality.

You should increase her time at yours.

So EOW Friday to Sunday evening and then continue the Saturday nights in between. Collect her after lunch Saturday or ask mum to do the drop offs for now and keep the CSM the same for the extra 2 nights a month.

The reason lots of SC demand the full on baking etc 1:1 time at their NRP house is purely because they do feel like a visitor because they aren't there enough and fully immersed in the household.

If she was there more she'd have more of her own stuff there, spend more time with her brother and likely help and play with him naturally more. She'd have more time having breakfast with her dad before he goes to work.

And the whole "but the SM is knackered as baby is high needs" really isn't an excuse imo. If they were both your children biologically you'd have to get on with it.

Many look back and wonder how they got through until the kids started going to school!

@Youseethethingis1 Yes you are so right. I guess its a bit like a staircase, you can be at the bottom of the stairs where you don't even see your stepchildren, somewhere in the middle where you help out a bit, or at the top where you've taken on a 3rd parent role and get really stuck in. Nothing wrong with whatever step you are on.

Ah, babies go through sleep regressions, it's tough, so tough.

As for this bit: I was asked to have her on my own for 2 full days this week while her mum is away and DP is working I do hope this was done without any sense of expectation and that is wasn't mum asking you instead of DP.

And who is going to be left to look after her... OP? No way. That is a ridiculous idea.

Do you both work? How many hours a week does dad work? It seems it is his job that is keeping him away from his daughter. Is there a way for you to increase your hours (and in doing so get a break from your baby) to share the financial responsibility and that way DH could decrease his hours and would have more time to be with his daughter. Right now it seems he is working long hours to support everyone leaving him little time to actually be present and parent.

Seems like a win for everyone.

If they were both your children biologically you'd have to get on with it
How about "if the man hadn't remarried the parents would have to get on with it and sort a schedule that actually works for their child"?

YANBU, this is something your DP needs to he mindful of. And FYI this is not a feeling that went away as my DD got older for me. Yes she sleeps more but she's more demanding during the day as a 3 year old, I still feel burnt out at the end of the day and have no desire to look after other kids. I don't do any solo care for DSS, my DP understands that. When he's here he needs to be available to look after him.

Your DP sounds quite useless and unable to sort his own responsibilities, though, the driving ban made me roll my eyes. I think if you continue to do this your DP needs to be proactively giving you space on the Sunday, perhaps take both kids out regularly so you can have some time to yourself. Certainly there shouldn't be any expectation of you taking the lead on baking activities etc. He needs to be really hands on and respect you stepping back.