To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

You know it's often said on here to normal parents - outside of the batshit realms of "you're a step parent so anything you change regarding what you do with SC makes you an indecent human being" - that when you have a baby you do what you can to get by and things get toned down for a while with older children, who are expected to adjust.

I'm sure many children might feel that they want their mum/dad to have all the energy they had before at all times, to not drop a single activity they once did before the baby was born or have to change who does what because there's a baby to fit in. But that's life. Minor changes occurring that an older child has to get used to are NOT the end of the world and a totally unacceptable adjustment to make.

I agree those minor changes should be the OP not trying to over entertain with baking and board games and to let her watch tv or her iPad or watch a film or bring some toys and play herself. I disagree that it should mean the child no longer gets to come at all as it's now her parents problem as the OP has her own child and is knackered.

@tootiredtospeak 😵‍💫 that's a first 😂 people have told the op to stop breast feeding and leave the baby to cry and go look after DSD or she will be damaged for life. But sure I'm totally projecting 🙄

My response was down to your comment below What about the child and how she feels.

Since you were wondering why people kept focusing on which adult should take responsibility and did a cry of what about the children, and I simply answered how I think the child would feel, it's just the response didn't fit the narrative your aiming at.

Also if actually your saying tough DH has to work (ignore the DSC wants) , I think we can also apply that to Op who says tough I'm busy caring for a high needs baby as she's also not out on the piss or on a jolly.

No one's saying DSC isn't worth it or saying give up on DSC or not have her or suddenly put her under stairs, there is a grey area in sure which involves most likely her DH helping more in some form but I'm saying (and so are a lot of other posters) that something has to give and I don't believe it should be OPs mental well-being as she's taking on more responsibility than the actual biological parents and getting torn apart for being bloody tired.

Fml this is crackers.

I don't disagree with you, this is what I would do, but what I also think you're not seeing is that her not coming could easily be one such minor change that is not anywhere near as much of a big deal to the SC as it's being made out to be.

You would obviously not say to her "you can't come anymore because you are your parents problem and OP is too knackered". You would simply say "oh daddy's going to collect you in the morning this time". She's a little girl. It's not actually that likely this would bother her deeply. My 8 year old SC would barely notice, he wouldn't be reading any of what you are assuming into it.

No matter how you dress it up the OPs mental health is being affected by her own parenting choices. The step child should not lose out because of that. That's my opinion based on what the OP wrote about the circumstances in the first post. I dont care who facilitates that the parents or the step parent.

Okay so why not just ask her why make a decision for her. Say would you prefer to come on a Saturday and sleep or a Sunday morning. If you do come Saturday I might not be able to do as much now DS is here until your Dads back from work but your welcome regardless and then let her choose. Children take in everything. I have 3 and they are very aware at that age of parent relationships. Up to around 5 maybe not but at her age she will be.

@tootiredtospeak No matter how you dress it up the OPs mental health is being affected by her own parenting choices.

No her mental health is being effected by two parents dumping their child on someone and dad dumping two on her and going see yah. Come on. It's not the existence of DC that's effecting things it's the combination of both of them at the same time. Have some empathy.

However - this what you put below is a decent shout so I agree here

Okay so why not just ask her why make a decision for her. Say would you prefer to come on a Saturday and sleep or a Sunday morning. If you do come Saturday I might not be able to do as much now DS is here until your Dads back from work but your welcome regardless and then let her choose. Children take in everything. I have 3 and they are very aware at that age of parent relationships. Up to around 5 maybe not but at her age she will be

I cant comment on the dumping as I dont know why the dad is working a Saturday night but I would guess they must need the money and he cant easily change the fact he has to work then or surely he would as that is the most obvious solution. If he refused too then again my advice would be different but I am not going to presume that as she hasn't said that. I have based what I think on what she wrote originally.

@tootiredtospeak My mental health is being effected by my parenting choices? How so? Not to be rude, but who are you to diagnose my mental health? I've said I'm really tired. That doesn't actually mean my mental health is suffering. Being tired has it's own set of symptoms, they go away with a decent rest. You can't just sleep mental health problems away! Trust me, I've tried it in the past. My mental health is actually pretty good right now, all things considering.

Which parenting choices do you mean...? Breastfeeding? I feel like that's the only real choice I've made when it comes to parenting, the rest is just responding to the specific baby I have in the best way I can. I'm not sure what else you're referring to?

Although you're kind of arguing a moot point now; I've already said multiple times that I feel the effort of having her here IS worth it for the Sunday mornings together. The compromise is I don't do the drive anymore, and I don't feel guilty for not having the energy to spend the evening baking/doing crafts/games anymore.

Sorry your right I dont know why I said mental health. I got caught up in others saying it was affecting your mental health. I mean that your parenting choices are affecting how you feel in terms of being so tired but as thats your choice it shouldn't necessarily affect your SC. Sounds like a good idea to not do the drive and if that plus scaling down the activities is all it needs then that's great. My posts recently were mainly to others really rather than you direct. I am glad for her sake you will continue to try with some adjustment.

No worries, to be fair being so tired can lead to mental health problems so it's understandable. It hit a nerve a little because people (IRL that could physically help me more through the day) have used my sleep dep symptoms (mood fluctuations) as a way to point the finger away from themselves, and act like it's mental health related (something I need to work on and fix myself).

I made the choice to do what it takes to continue breastfeeding as it benefits my son in the long run. He matters, too. And as his actual biological mother, I think it's fair that I put him first, in the same way DSD mum is free to put her biological child before mine. Nobody else is going to do that for him. This childcare arrangement for DSD has been going on for 1 day a week for 3 months (not even every week as she opts to go to her grandparents on Saturday night at least once a month), but my son has been EBF through every single night since he was born 9 over 9 months ago. Saying that choice shouldn't effect DSD... Well why should the more recent choice to pick DSD up so her mum can go out earlier and her dad can work effect DS? This is what people have been trying to point out. He matters, too.

But that's exactly why I didn't want to get into anything to do with sleep adjustments, etc. It's not something that is fair to consider in this particular circumstance.

Quite right - this arrangement should affect DS sleep as little as possible.
DSD is old enough to be told that this is not the time for fun cooking activities with you, and that evening time is to settle her DB and then maybe slump on the sofa with a favourite film with you before going to bed herself.

@HappyintheHills Aye 😊

It's CRAZY to me that people think breastfeeding, co-sleeping and holding is the OP choosing to be tired. I did all of that with my son and you know what happened when I didn't? I was MORE tired. Because responsive parenting made him happier, me less stressed and got us both more sleep. People act like if something hasn't worked 100% it's a bad choice, but it may still be the easiest and best option, just not a perfect one. There is no perfect option with a high needs baby, there's no way to not be tired. But I think OP is doing the most sensible things in this situation.

Really think some people on this thread do not get what a genuinely high needs baby can be like.

You can do whatever you like regarding your stepdaughter but it's the entitlement when it comes to stepchildren that bothers me. You are chronically knackered because of the parenting choices you are making regarding your son.

She's chronically knackered because she has a baby. They're tiring.
Her choices may well be the least tiring option for her.
Not that it's your business.
You do not know what entitlement means.

Also I have an autistic son who and have a very clear understanding of what a high needs baby is.

OP,

You remained very calm somehow faced with the usual anti step mother batshittery on here.

Your baby is very big and you are doing a lot of carrying around.

I found this physically exhausting on top of poor sleep.

Just awful.
Don't underestimate how extra tired carrying a weight around endlessly is.

Consider a tonic like Floridix with iron to help you through this time.
Magic stuff and perfect when breastfeeding.