To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

the scenario also looks totally different when you are the resident parent (mother) and you’re considering how your partner feels.

What a brilliant response @DonnyBurrito

But what compromise is the DP making, when his DD is only there one night a week, but he's choosing to work on that night?
The OP sounds like she's is lovely with her SD, but there's actually nothing going the other way from her DP to ensure she can cope.

Yeah, I think if she was here full time or even 50/50, it would actually be easier. We've said this for years, before DS even came along. It's not possible, though. We've thought long and hard about it from lots of different angles. It might work in the future if she decides she wants to live with her dad/us when she's starting high school, and starts a school in our area - and her mum allows it, of course, which I can't see happening.

Anyway, it isn't a sudden imposition at all. It has become a gradual imposition, if anything. It's not like boom DS born now DSD can get tae fuck. Not at all like that. I'm just chronically knackered now, and I think she would have a much better evening spent with a less knackered caregiver. I'm gonna give the low key movie nights a go for a bit though and if she doesn't like it, that's up to her, and her mum and dad can find her another arrangement. I'm not carrying the guilt of the situation anymore.

I think it is easier if it’s their main household. Then it’s all just the routine rather than everything changing on the single night they come.

Even more so when people act like it’s a big event. They’re only there one night so it has to be special. The stakes become silly and it become disruptive and stressful.

I think is answer to OPs question - yes it's reasonable to be able to step back. In what form she does that - low key movie nights or rearranging contact so that's DSC spends actual time with DH is all reasonable.

Peoples entitlement to think that as a SM your morally having to pick up the slack of the parents is incorrect and people say this because it benefits them.

Contact is for a child to spend time with their biological parent. It is up to the parents to enable that. It is not reasonable for someone to have to break themselves to provide childcare so that one parent can work and another gets a night off.

One off sure no problem, long standing arrangement when the DSC will want to spend time with their parent no. Just because you marry someone doesn't mean you turn into a servant that's unpaid. That mentality was outlawed many years ago thankfully although it would appear remains when talking about SM. Weird how it doesn't apply to men though ?

So glad to see your recent updates OP, people like Slugs do not realise their extreme positions on things actually just push posters to see that the opposite is true, if anything!

Have to say I'm always sceptical of people saying they don't understand why something like this is difficult and they are the parent in the situation

Of course they don't get it. They're not in a position to get it and the situation benefits them. And yes dynamics and arrangements are very different in households where the child will be living there full time, and where they come once a week. Not only is it often treated as more of an "event" when they come like people have said, but the whole "my child and me are a package and you must fully embrace them as your own and be willing to do absolutely anything for them without it bothering you at all" mentality is just not as necessary, so it's often not what the relationship is built upon. And that's just as normal as the more full on arrangement is for RPs and their partner's.

OP you sound like a lovely SP and they are all lucky to have you. I don't have much time or energy to play with my own children so don't feel guilty! Like others said the arrangement needs to be changed! Keep strong!

Condescending post or what!!

This all of this ^

And also people forget marriage is it's a two way street and so often we find people making excuses for it only being one way.

Also I hate mn new update I really do

You can do whatever you like regarding your stepdaughter but it's the entitlement when it comes to stepchildren that bothers me. You are chronically knackered because of the parenting choices you are making regarding your son. That's your choice you said in the OP you agreed to this to help facilitate contact but now it's too much because of choices you have made, nothing she has done. If this was a question regarding should you do it and you had never done it before my answer would be very different. But you have and you did and to change that now is mean. People get lost in the fact that it's up to the parents which is of course true but this is a child with feelings and emotions. If you cant feel guilty about letting a child down then I dont know what would make you.

Are you actually arguing that the OP is demonstrating a sense of misplaced entitlement in making choices about how to care for her baby? On the basis that she offered help to her partner and his ex and found it was too much. So her infant son is what should be deprioritised so that her SD’s parents can continue to benefit from the arrangement?

jesus wept!

@tootiredtospeak "entitlement" is definitely not the right word to use in regards step parents not doing things for their step children.

Seriously how is her infant son being affected in any way. It's the OP that is affected she is tired exhausted in fact by the choices she has made to parent her son. She clearly states that beforehand she was happy to do it. How is it okay for her stepdaughter to then pay the price for that. Its bullshit and you know it. Kids are always the ones that lose out always in these scenarios.

"I wish she was mine, and lived with us full time. Navigating the fact she isn't/doesn't is bloody difficult 😩"

You say this yet find it difficult to have her one night🤷‍♀️

Do what most parents do and " cheat " don't feel compelled to do activities. You have all day Sunday. Saturday can be movie night /pamper hour , bath then bed .

He isn’t affected by radical changes to how he is cared for - how, when, where he is fed and sleeps? Seriously?

And the OP is now eternally obligated to continue an arrangement where she provides childcare that, it turns out, is too much for her. She chose to volunteer do now it’s her job forever.

And the stepdaughter pays what price exactly? A change in contact arrangements that means her dad is actually there? Oh the horror. She’ll be eternally scarred by missing out on her dad being at work on the one night a week she stays.

Literally the only one doing any losing out is the OP’s baby. And he’s a child too. One she is both responsible for and entitled to make parenting choices in relation to.

I used the word entitlement as it is like SP have the right not to do anything for a child that is not theirs. Like it is some magic get out clause for just being a decent human being. The fact that a child has 2 parents doesn't mean you can it be caring of how they feel and how your actions affect them. Is it ultimately your responsibility...no but it's not who I would want to be.

The OP has NOT said she is upset how this affects her child she said she was upset how it affected her as she is monumentally knackered.

We literally do have that right, yes.

It isn't indecent to stop doing something you've been doing for a little while but that isn't working out. Things change.

I don’t think you know what entitlement means.

The OP is entitled to make her own choices about how she cares for her baby and what support she feels able to offer to her partner. Her partner is not entitled to her childcare and driving services.

The fact you can’t see that the OP has given a lot of thought to her SD’s experiences is astounding.

Nor that the current situation is not in the SD’s best interests. Her dad’s at work til late. Her mum is on a night out. Her SM is exhausted and is busy with the baby. And somehow it’s the SM you think is doing her a disservice here.

OP is entitled to parent her baby how she chooses.
OP is entitled to pass parental responsibilities for children who are not hers back to the parents.
Are we in some sort of parallel universe? Why does this need to be said?

The OP has categorically said that she is happy with how she is choosing to care for her son.

it’s the situation where neither parent is choosing to be available to their daughter that is the problem. Her dad is at work and cannot drive because he’s banned. Her mother is on a night out and wants to get out earlier.

Why should the OP have to compromise on how she cares for her baby to continue enabling the parents’ choices. She tried. It’s too much. It’s not working for the SD, her or the baby. So a different way needs to be found.

If the dad had raised the OP I would of course be answering him. All that you care about is which adult is right or wrong and which adult should take the most responsibility. What about the child and how she feels. The OP asked our opinion on her decision and I have given my opinion. Agree or disagree that's up to you.

@tootiredtospeak I imagine the DSC would like to spend the time with her dad opposed to her SM. Like I did when in blended family.

At the end of the day that's why a child usually wants to come, to spend time with their parent. Any others are a bonus. I as much as me and my DSC get on, am not the main course as it were..

Just re read the OP instead of projecting all your own feelings. It says she comes every Saturday night is a wonderful child has taken brilliantly to having a half sibling and is genuinely caring and loving. She hasn't changed the OP says it's me. I have had my own son am knackered and no longer feel like I want to do it it's too much. I dont doubt she would prefer her Dad but he is at work not on the piss. I dont see anything there I can agree with. I have said relax dont bake or play board games watch a film or let her chill but to suddenly say she cant come and change the arrangements and then to be adamant that it doesn't matter how she feels as that's only her parents responsibility it's too much for me. People have blown it massively out of proportion saying its affecting her DS and she basically should choose her own child. It's weird. She can just do both its worth the effort it really is.