I'm looking for advice on how to co-parent our 8 month old with my exP.
My exP comes from a family of annoying unsolicited advice givers, who I thankfully have no contact with now. They all trot out the same party line when it comes to our son (and have since he was born) not being an obedient/portable/easy going object, which is "He just needs to get used to it!"/"You need to toughen up with him!" etc. These are people who haven't spent any time whatsoever actually looking after our son, or really any time at all with him. So when exP tells me the last annoying thing they've said about how I/we do things, they're easy for me to ignore. However when the going gets tough, he starts parroting their sentiments.
Our son is very active and determined, very curious, loves being held and physically played with. He can safely entertain himself with toys/chill without our input for about 15 minutes on average. He rarely stays still, though. He mastered crawling at 7 months and now just constantly wants to be stood up, climbing the stairs (supervised), chasing the cats or something else that requires effort on our part throughout the day to keep him safe/entertained/not upset. He isn't interested in TV. He is just quite full on most of the time, as he spends the majority of his time on the move or demanding our attention.
This makes nappy changes difficult. I have found my way with them to an extent, I sing silly songs and make it playful to keep him looking at me, or give him a toy or 'forbidden object' to distract him from trying to barrel roll away like an alligator. My exP thinks he needs to learn to stay still though, and will shout 'NO' and 'STOP' at him constantly throughout a nappy change whilst the baby cries and tries to get away.
He finally said to me that I need to toughen up with him, and that his first child and his niece would just lie there happily and have their nappy changed. He said "I'm not saying you let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants, but you need to toughen up with him".
This comes after he tried to force our son to stay in the highchair while he was crying and refusing his food. I was in the kitchen, and heard him saying "No, you can't get out. You need to learn. You need to eat. Right fine, I'm strapping you in!". Que more crying. I told him saying that wasn't going to work and you can't force him, and that was just going to reinforce to him that the highchair isn't fun. I think part of why he isn't a fan of it anymore is because I was putting too much pressure on him around weaning, so I've backed off massively to try to undo those mistakes and have already explained all this to exP.
There's other occasions where this sort of thing happens. Baby crying and protesting something, exP getting impatient and trying to force him to 'get used to it'.
ExP I know gets frustrated and isn't trying to be horrible to our son, he has his best interests at heart but I feel is just going about things all wrong. He isn't a big reader, so none of the helpful books or articles I tell him about get read. He seems to just be internalising the unhelpful critical 'advice' he gets from his side of the family, and then trying to force our son into the mould of how a 'normal' baby should behave.
Our son is breastfed but we are now trialling exP giving him a bottle (some success) and doing naps (not as successfully) so he can start to take him on his own and I can get a break. I do think this will help him get used to our sons rhythm and stop trying to battle it, but I'm also worried he's going to struggle to bond with our son long term if he keeps on viewing him through the 'difficult baby' lens. I also don't want our son to get shouted 'NO' and 'STOP' at all day long.
How can I help him to change his perspective? I know he wants to do the best he can and enjoy his time with his son, but he isn't creative when it comes to problem solving and is quick to feel frustrated. When he's frustrated, then the comments his family make echo in his mind and it's easier to blame me and how I parent, than face the fact that he is struggling with a less compliant infant than he is used to. He isn't as close minded as they are, though. I have hope we can both get better at this.
Does anyone have any recommendations for audio books, podcasts or advice in general for how I can navigate this?
Thank you