To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

Who moved (as you live a distance apart from the mum) and what did he get his driving ban for?

Your stepdaughter sounds like fun and you sound like you're struggling. I agree, it doesn't last forever but in the meantime I also agree that her parents need to change contact arrangements. The whole point is that HE spends time with his daughter.

Manage her/ it better - Make it a movie and microwave pop corn night or similar non adult facilitated activity.

You could actually set it up as a special thing between you and her that longer term will pay off in terms of your relationship.

I have sympathy for you as you sound knackered.

But as a couple I think you need to make it work. She is part of your family and if you disengage it will send her the message that you were only really interested in her until you had your own baby.

It's his fault he has a driving ban so he needs to find a solution

A driving ban?

A man, who needs to drive to see his first child managed to get a driving ban???

I suggest he's never allowed to drive either DC ever again. And make sure you get back to work after Mat leave OP, he's clearly not responsible enough to support one family, let alone two.

Thanks for confirming why your DH doesn't drive. In that case he needs to suck up the consequences of his behaviour that cause the ban. Not you. DSD might suffer for it but that's tough, that is part of the consequences of his driving ban. You've helped out for 3 months, very nice of you, now it's up to him.

Why does dh having a driving ban?

Hang on.. she's not a poor little girl because OP has other things to do. She has 2 actual parents. Her dad should be seeing her.

A lot of parents (and potentially you too at a later point) cope with the exhaustion of having a baby and older child to look after. I think your excuse of exhaustion is a red herring here.
The bigger issue I think, is that your partners child custody agreement nov let him having his DC when he is not around . He is leaving you to look after his child for the one single night a week he is supposed to be having visitation rights. That would sure piss anyone off- he is using you to care for his child every week.
your issue is not the child. It is your partner. He either has to change his child custody arrangements to a night when he is around, or change his work. His dc isn’t going to have a great relationship with him when they are older and realise their father was/is never going to prioritise them enough to be bother3d to care for them.
your partner also needs to learn to drive pronto- you are not his taxi service and he needs to do his fair share of logistics now you have a young child

challenge yourself as to route cause of these feelings. Then talk to partner and get him to sort out arrangements so he is present and involved in his daughters stays.

This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore
I feel like this quote from the OP could be doing with some more attention.
The parents had a problem. Mum had to stay in on her night "off", Dad was having a longer journey home from work, child was getting home unacceptably late.
Rather than mum bringing the child herself at a decent time or Dad sorting his shifts out, it was the third adult in the picture who volunteered to go out of her way to make things better for everyone.
Now, 3 months later, she's finding its too much for he and the screeching nitwits of MN are saying she's the one to blame??

I would carry on having her on the Saturday night . Can you tweak the times so you fetch her around your sons sleep pattern? I would then change the activities I did with DSD have movie night with popcorn put her to bed earlier.
This stage won't last forever. I think part of your problem is you have a sleep routine that works ( I presume) for 6 days and has to change for 1 night .

How much more is the insurance, you say he can't afford it but is that genuinely can't afford it or it would make things tough for a bit before the ban drops off the record.

Oops just seen the driving ban. Wtf. Do not put yourself out to manage his poor behaviour. He is supposed to be inconvenienced by a driving ban- it is to ram home the message that his driving was dangerous and he needs to change his behaviour
if your picking up the inconvenience by putting yourself out he feels no pain. He is not going to change. Stop enabling him

Yes! THANK YOU! OP was doing something helpful for 3 months, doing something nice, now she wants to stop and she's just getting stick for it. I hope DH doesn't have that attitude otherwise she might as well not have bothered!

Speaking as both a step mum and a step child the attitude towards step families really confuses me and makes me sad. When DSD is here, she is fully part of the family. Yes, my DH and my DSDs mum make the big decisions regarding her, but my DH will consult me first and I'm sure her mum will consult her DH.

I do all school drop offs and pick ups, even on her mums contact time, because it works far far better for me to do so. I work from home and can plan my day to be able to do so, my DH, her mum and her step dad can't. Is it sometimes massively inconvenient? Yes. Do I resent it? No. I hot into a serious relationship and then married her dad fully knowing that with that would come additional responsibilities towards her and I accepted it. I'm not providing childcare, I'm caring for and looking after my stepdaughter. I don't want, nor to I deserve, any thanks or praise for doing that

It used to fuck me off royally when DD went to her father's and his gf used to be with DD on her own. Not because of the gf, but if I'm giving up time with DD, it is not so she can hang out with a random woman, it was to spend time with her father.
Your 'dp' sounds like a right catch. Shit dad, driving ban. Nice.

Your dp has epically let you and his entire family down

how on earth did he lose his license?

That's your relationship, I did exactly the same but decided on a different level of responsibility.

If D's goes to bed at 7.30, why can't DSD go to bed at 8pm? Then you could relax. If you made the commitment to collect DSD at 5 now you stop she will know it is because of you and your baby. Don't spoil your relationship with your dad. You don't have to carry around D's all the time, put him down to kick on the floor in between feeds. It sounds like you were happy with DSD until you got your own CHD now don't want to make effort. I get you get tired but if she was your own dd you would still have to manage.

I get you get tired but if she was your own dd you would still have to manage.

But she isn't her own DD.

This is a slippery slope but not uncommon after having your own child

First it is not wanting her Saturday night maybe he can pick her up Sunday morning.

Then pick up Sunday morning leaves you alone with baby on the weekend when dad already has so little time off work so maybe just pick her up in the afternoon

Then her being over for hlaf a day is too disruptive to baby's nap schedule as she wants to do things but baby is sleeping

Then maybe dad can just go out and see her for an hour at a park or somewhere

Then it is frustrating that Sunday is broken up with dad gone half the day and not helping at home with baby - maybe just see her on school holidays...

And on and on.

You can decide it is too much to have a baby and a step child in your home. Your DH has two children so he will have to decide what that means for him.

Exactly.
Why is anyone blaming the OP here? She's a new Mum herself being obliged to pick up everyone else's slack here. Is it in the best interests of the child to be looked after by a very tired SM who is doing more than her fair share?
Bollocks to Mum getting a night off, is OP getting any nights off from her responsibilities? No, and she's taking up other people's too.
Dad is the one truly taking the piss here. Not even around for the one evening his child comes to stay but has also managed to pick up a driving ban. That only happens from a whole string of poor decisions and choices.
Yet the person who is in the wrong and should do it differently is the one person this child is not related to. How so?

Some of the wording on here is vile. Visitation. Contact. The dsd is surely coming to her second home? If my dh had had the attitude seen on here he would be an ex... One day my dc messaged saying they wanted to live ft with me. It was my dh who set off and collected them. Not complaining I wasn't home to look after them.

Your dc has a sibling. The sibling is home for whatever the court order spells out. Not just visiting her df..if she is an inconvenience then shame on you. And your relationship with her df is surely doomed.

But contact time is meant primarily for the child to spend with the non resident parent.
OP obviously is quite happy to make her DSD at home normally but is struggling with a new baby and Dad is absent.

No, it is contact for the dad. If I split up with my DH I do not have to make our shared child available for contact at the same time as he has the DSC.

This is their home but they do not come here to see me and their half sibling. If their dad died that would be it.