To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

Yes. Someone upthread said that changing it to a Sunday morning pick up was not ok because the SD’s mum never gets a night off.

I can see why her sleeping over on a Saturday is nice, so you can all get up together and have the full day and it was kind of you to start collecting her earlier so that her mum got a full night 'off'.

Does her Mum drive? Id be saying I'm still happy to have her, but she needs dropping off to me.

id be getting her to bed half an hour to an hour after DS.

whats DP's schedule like in the week? Could you do EOW & a mid week night the other week. Or even just EOW sleep over and EOW daytime Sunday?

Oh bless you. This sounds really tough. The only thing I would suggest to minimise disruption to SD is changing the schedule a bit, so that you are only collecting her every other Saturday & the alternate weekend she’s with you on the Sunday until school, transport arranged by dad. Even every other Saturday is a lot when you have a newborn. You’re not being unreasonable. It was kind of you to do it for this long & I hope partner appreciates it. Best of luck to you & I hope something gets worked out that suits both you & SD. X

This.

Thank you everyone for the replies, it's given me things to think about and I agree with a lot of what everyone has said.

I don't want to get into sleep related adjustments for DS however, I don't mean to be rude not to reply to any of those comments, I just don't want to derail the thread which is about DSD. My sleep is as good as it's getting for the next few months, at least.

DP had a driving ban and now insurance is extortionate and he/we can't afford i for him to drive. At the end of the year we might see an improvement as it'll have been long enough that he doesn't have to declare it (I think). We are saving so he can get back driving at some point.

Due to this, morning school runs won't work, we live too far from the school and I'd have to take her.

@SoggyPaper that was me - if you'd read my reply properly you'd have seen I said it isn't OP's job, it's her Partners. I was also replying to another poster saying they should just change contact to Sunday only and stop the Saturday overnight. The SD has 2 parents, there's no reason the Mum shouldn't ever get a night off because her Dad doesn't do an overnight

Why is she not with her father more though? It's only one night a week? The mum has her the other 6 nights? Why isn't it 50/50?

What time does she go to bed?

Could you not pick her up at 6 or 7 instead?

Then you can get home, put the baby to bed and watch a film then it’ll be her bedtime.

She is 7 , surely she goes to bed at 7.30?

Sorry 6.

I’m also wondering why your DH has arranged for her to come on a night when he works late!
what day or eve does he have off? Maybe he needs to change the day.

I could potentially start getting her a bit later, I just don't want to risk DS falling asleep in the car too close to his bedtime as then he'll be up until atleast 10pm and I'll be extra frazzled on the Sunday

This isn’t a long standing arrangement you’ve been doing since she was a toddlerl. It’s been three months. Yanbu to feel like it’s not working for you.

All the hyperbole is unnecessary. You spend lots of time with her and she won’t feel unwanted.
And all of this talk about what if she was yours… she’s not yours so it’s irrelevant. It’s a completely different dynamic.

Picking his child up at 9pm is a bit of a rubbish arrangement. Can he not just pick her up on Sunday morning instead? Or change his shifts?

We live really far from her school, mornings are a nightmare traffic wise and it would cost a fortune in fuel. Her mum can walk her to school easily. We've tried it a few times and it's always a disaster, she's either late or it's just horribly stressful for us all. Now I'm the only driver I'd have to take her myself and I'm just not doing it.

This isn't a story of poor sc unloved and unwanted, it's a story of a mum with a difficult baby without adding a whole lump of you have to be unpaid childcare.

Anybody who views spending time with their step-child as "childcare" should not become a step-parent in the first place.

What of the father who works til after bedtime on the only night of the week he has contact?

Or should we just get out the stake and burn the witches for thinking that parents should do some parenting - and recognise that anyone else is helping them out?

"You knew what you were getting into"....the classic line 🙄

It's classic because it is true. Nobody should be marrying somebody with children and having further children with them if they haven't figured out how to do this - between all adults involved - without emotionally damaging the existing children and how to ensure they are all given equal priority from all of the adults in their lives. If you can't do this, then don't create the situation. Children deserve better than to have their childhoods randomly disrupted due to the dynamics of adult relationships.

What of the father who works til after bedtime on the only night of the week he has contact?

Or should we just get out the stake and burn the witches for thinking that parents should do some parenting - and recognise that anyone else is helping them out?

Did you not read my earlier post where I asked why the OP is getting only two hours of sleep at a time, asked what her partner is doing about that, why he is not giving her a break and suggested she focus on this because it's clearly this rather than the older sibling causing the issue? And suggested she discuss this with him and get him to sort out a solution that doesn't involve emotionally damaging the older sibling?

I suspect rearranging work or contact so dad is actually there would have a positive emotional effect on his daughter.

The fact that dad never does bedtime because he works the only night she stays is more likely to be damaging, wouldn’t you say?

I don't want to get into sleep related adjustments for DS however, I don't mean to be rude not to reply to any of those comments, I just don't want to derail the thread which is about DSD

This is exactly the problem though, OP. Problem with your son's sleep are massively affecting you. And your solution is to effectively drop the relationship you've built with DSD because she isn't your child. When she's accepted your child lovingly as her sibling you have said. None of this is her fault. How is that ok?

If you'd never really had much to do with her maybe I could understand more but you've been in her life since she was 3, built love and trust. Now because you have your own baby you effectively want to ditch that and only see her if your DP is also present. I'm sorry, but that is a shitty way to treat a child.

Babies are hard work. They often mean not much sleep for a while. You shouldn't have decided to grow the family without a plan in place to manage without hurting DSD. She is a child for goodness sake.

I know sleep deprivation is hard and makes you feel like a zombie but you will really regret this if you proceed as you suggest. Talk to your DP. Make him do his share of night wakings. Get more sleep. Tell him he needs to adjust his working hours if needed. And continue being kind and present for both children.

Maybe the plan should be: her father picks up the emotional and practical slack.

no. It’s all the OP’s fault for not making SD the priority in all baby sleep decisions.

She will know you don't want her around anymore

I suspect rearranging work or contact so dad is actually there would have a positive emotional effect on his daughter.

The fact that dad never does bedtime because he works the only night she stays is more likely to be damaging, wouldn’t you say?

Yep. Per my posts, I agree. Sounds like a shitty parent that for some reason somebody's decided to have another child with and then is surprised that, guess what? He's a shitty parent.

My advice has all been about trying to help the OP make the best of this situation for all concerned, ideally without emotionally damaging a little girl who didn't ask to be part of any of this and the OP says has been loving and kind about having a new sibling, which is amazing.

Why should she be the loser in this?

The OP needs to tell her partner to step up, do 50% of the nights with the baby and sleep more so she feels human again. Not alienate a little girl who has done nothing wrong.

@DonnyBurrito your previous post about her seeming to understand and then going back to being six is ridiculous. She is 6. She doesn't understand