To not want to look after DSD on my own?

[DonnyBurrito]

Not actually posting this on AIBU as I'd mainly like input from people who are also step parents (if possible!)

I have a DSD who is almost 7 years old. I've been in her life since she was 3. She stays over every Saturday night and we do 50/50 during holidays. She is important to me and since the day I met her I have gone out of my way to make her feel cared for and special, and as a result we have a very good relationship. I have been proactive in making her feel like part of my wider family, too.

Me and her dad (DP) also have a 9 month old son. She's taken very well to having a half sibling, and unless she's hiding it EXTREMELY well there doesn't seem to be any jealousy issues or behavioural problems that have cropped up. She's the same old kid she always was. It's me who is different now.

I have less time, energy and patience for literally everyone. My son wakes up a LOT through the night, we are co-sleeping and also 'breastsleeping'. I'm coping fine with caring for both me and my son, but I have very little left for anyone or anything else. He's a very demanding, high needs baby. He's also extremely heavy and wants to be carried 80% of the time through the day. He requires every last shred of my energy. However I know that if I was sleeping more than a 2 hour stretch at night I'd be no way near as exhausted by him.

My partner works until 9pm on a Saturday, and I am the only driver at the moment. He was picking DSD up when he finished work and getting public transport/taxi home with her, which meant her mum had to wait in on a Saturday night for him to arrive, and then he and DSD were getting back to our home really late. It wasn't ideal for anyone. This meant DSD ended up rarely staying over, so I offered to start collecting DSD at 5pm and sorting her out/spending time with her until her dad got back from work around 9:30/10pm. I've done this for about 3 months. Initially it was great, but it's not working for me anymore. I'm knackered enough as it is through the day, and once DS goes to sleep at about 7:30pm, I am spent. I just want to be alone, I don't want to do any extra childcare. In reality, I don't want to have the two of them on my own at all. Although I do I give her as much quality time (baking, playing games, colouring) as possible when I do have her on my own, it isn't the same as before. I don't love it like I used to. And as time goes on, I just really do not want to do it on my own at all. I don't want her to feel this from me and it end up effecting our bond irreparably, though.

I am still very happy for her to be here when her dad is here, because obviously we can share all the child care tasks out and it's just so much easier and more fun for us all.

I feel guilt about this though and I know ultimately it will end up disrupting her staying over again if I don't pick her up on Saturdays. I know things will change for me once I am getting more sleep in the next year or so, though...

But am I being unreasonable to not want to look after my DSD on my own until then?

This.

Whilst I completely understand you are exhausted and really cba in dealing with another child once you've had all day with your own, I do think she is the one to lose out by not staying. Although I do think she should stay round on an evening with he father is home to share dinner time, bath time and bed time with her. Can this day not change? I also think her going to bed at 9:30/10pm is insane, shes 7! Can you not put her to put at 8 then your DP gets up with her Sunday morning and has the day? That way you get your evening back. Don't get me wrong, no way should this be your responsibility, your DP needs to change his hours on a Saturday or contact day with her. I know how invaluable our evenings are when we finally get our children to sleep! I think you need to have an honest conversation with your DP. He needs to change his hours or her mother drops her off after her dinner and she goes to bed at 8! Good luck x

I assume you’re only going to be having the one child then?

It’s once a week

My advice btw before the OP decided to have a child with this man - given his attitude to his existing child and the OP's attitude to step-parenting - would have been to leave the relationship. But since she's decided to have a baby and give this child a sibling - a child who she has known and spent 1:1 time with since she was 3 - and is now talking about cutting off that 1:1 relationship with her because she is tired, etc, yes I think that is utterly wrong. Damaging, and cruel. To a kid who has welcomed this new sibling into the family and the OP says that despite this huge change in her life, has been loving and welcoming and brilliant about it.

How would you then think she is the person in this situation that needs to lose family time or connection or feel unwanted??

The issue here as OP has said is that she's not sleeping. Rather than sidelining her DSD she needs to get to the bottom of why with a 9 month old she is getting no sleep. Unless there is a big drip feed about disabilities, it makes no sense.

9 month olds go through a bad phase of sleep for a few months. She hasn't answered if this issue is recent. I did ask. If so it will pass. Why would you upset a little girl and change her (minimal) time at her second home over a totally normal, temporary, developmental sleep issue?

Many parents deal with much worse, alone. So this shows that for the OP her son matters, DSD can be dropped now she has more important things (her biological child) to do.

This is the problem.

OP should instead be saying to her partner "how do we fix this? It isn't working." And still being loving to her step-daughter as she was before. And making her partner step up and do 50% of night shifts so she actually sleeps and doesn't feel like such a husk of a human that she can't spend a few hours per week with her stepdaughter.

She should have many hours a week to herself outside her DSD's contact hours if her partner is doing his share with the bab. THIS is the issue. Not the DSD. She has done nothing wrong.

Supposedly it is easy to change jobs right now op. I don’t think collecting your dsd later is the answer. Your partner needs to step up more with his dd. He only has her one night a week and hasn’t taken the time in all these years to ensure he’s around that evening. He probably needs to step up more with your baby if you’re that exhausted. You should be aiming to get one night of unbroken sleep.

I agree with every word @WarOnSlugs wrote.

No it's just I think the people who are the parents should actively you know parent instead of using people.

And contact time is for a child to see their parent.

But I know that's a incredibly provocative statement but heck maybe growing up as a step child has made me a bit biased 🙄

Look op I hope you don't mind but just my experience growing up in Blended family.

The problem is kids want to spend time with their parents, a SP no matter how lovely or nice still isn't their parent and it's quite natural for a child to want to see daddy or mummy on their contact time.

Being left with SP who's stressed and tired isn't what's in the best interest of the child - it's what's easiest for mum and dad.

If I was in your shoes I would be asking DP to change the contact so he can spend some quality time with her his child because you can be the best step parent in the world but still not be what a child needs and that's ok.

The narrative that any SP is evil for not wanting to be unpaid childcare is conveniently forgetting that contact is for the parents to spend time with their child, is perpetuated by adults who put the needs of the adults above the emotional needs of the child.

I do also think that people shouldn't have children if they are unwilling to parent their kids and spend time with them.

Anyway I said what I said 😵‍💫

And as a mum I think you sound like you need a break and that is also ok. You sound like a lovely sm

The sleep is an issue aside of the step parenting stuff. By 9mo most babies should be doing a decent chunk of sleep unless there are additional needs. Lots of women are back to work by then and need sleep.

Same with DSD, why is a 6 yo up until 10-11pm on a Saturday night. That's not good for anyone. Pick her up at 7 and get her to bed for 8.

I speak as a stepchild and a stepmum. Dads needs to rethink his contact time and have his daughter more. He also needs
to help the OP more with their baby.

OP if you are struggling then you need to sort this now. Tell him this can’t go on. Even if you choose to make it a temporary measure til things settle down with your baby.

Ultimately this child’s parents need to arrange care between them. I was expected to carry on looking after my SC after I had my baby. I struggled on for a LONG time and now wish I hadn’t.

I would urge the OP to put her needs and that of her son’s first. Yes it’s unfortunate your partner got a driving ban but it’s time he grew up and stopped expecting you to manage his responsibilities for him.

I agree with the poster above that she shouldn’t be awake until 10pm. I bet that’s all her father’s benefit so he can see her when he gets in from work. It’s ridiculous that you’re expected to keep her awake and keep her entertained until that time. I’d be getting her to bed much earlier than that, probably straight after baby has gone to sleep.

You need to put yourself first and stop this arrangement before you burn out. You’ve tried it, it doesn’t work and doesn’t seem to benefit anyone. The contact needs to be changed so the child is spending time with its actual parent, everyone sounds like they’re taking the piss out of you in this situation and not putting the child first. Dragging a 6yr old about on public transport on a Saturday night way past bed time is ridiculous, can’t believe the mother would agree to that.

Is there anyway your DP could reorganise his shifts? Failing that, I think I would try to stick to the arrangement but definitely lower expectations for the evening activities. I'd say no to baking, she could make pancake or waffles with her dad for breakfast. You could get some popcorn and watch some TV, that would be special for her too and less demanding on you. Good luck.

I dont blame you at all.

the main issue is your partner’s working pattern. It just doesn't work for his family at all. That and of course not being able to take his daughter to school or pick her up.

what does the Sunday look like? Who does the bulk of parenting? Making all meals, organising and thinking of activities, reading with the child?

when do you go back to work?

Your dh needs to alter his work shift or alter his contact days with his child.
If he cannot finish work earlier on a Saturday then your dsd needs picking up on a Sunday morning.
Feel for you op.
However women really need to start thinking about the consequences of shacking up with a man who already has dependant children. Yet another thread about a father sherking his responsibilies.

Also yes to dsd baking and doing activities on the Sunday with her father.

This post makes me so sad. Poor little girl. You literally don’t have 2.5 hours to give to her. I bet when she’s a teenager you will have plenty of use for her as your unpaid babysitter…smh.

This makes me so cross. The OP is a new mum and struggling with a baby but carrying on anyway to keep people happy despite the fact that she’s exhausted but YES, let’s blame her. 🤦‍♀️
Once again the anti-stepmum brigade are out. How about the Dad rearranges things to prioritise his family?!

This, with bells on.

I have a stepdad who has been in my life since I was 2. No bio-dad. I hate to think what my life would have been like if he hadn't have stepped up and parented equally with my mum and treated me the same as he did my brother- even as a horrid teenager! Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.

This post makes me to sad. Your expectations of the child's father are simply non-existent. I pity you as this cannot be anything other than a reflection of your own life.

Grow up. The OP is clearly struggling with a newborn with little to no help from DP, and a DP who only sees his DD one day a week

DP should be changing the contact, work hours to support his family unit

This is a DP problem

Im just wondering how it would be of she was your child? Lots of people have 2 children. You cant just stop caring for the first one when another arrives!
Its hard with a child and a baby, but its a short time and you need to power through. If your relationship with DSD takes a hot now, it might never be the same afterwards. And since shes been in your life for so long and will be in your life forever you might want to step it up and treat her as if she was your DD.

its not like you have her every day. You have one day a week thats a bit tougher. Also, shes not 1 or 2. At 7 she should be pretty independent. Put on a movie for her when your baby goes to bed or have her read to you or something relaxing. No need to do a full entertainment program. My 8 year old goes to bed at 8-8.30.
just put your baby to bed, let her watch something and then put her to bed as well an hour later?

Why have you not suggested the father looks after his child? He has her one day a week.

End of the day she's not your child so YANBU.

Maybe your partner can change his shifts so he can pick her up on a Saturday? This isn't your fault though this is down to her parents to organise better
Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

The child’s father has a driving ban. Speeding? Drinking? Drug driving?
The child’s father has his child one over-night a week.
The child’s father hasnt made himself available to actually look after her on that one night a week.
The child’s father now isnt parenting his youngest child adequately.

But the child’s father's girlfriend should be the one to suck it up? She isnt the step-morher. They are not married. And even if they were HE should be the main parent of the older child, not op.

ffs it always worries me how low some of your standards are for men.