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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Divide amoung my DS and DSD's

179 replies

Nancylove12 · 01/05/2022 21:26

Hi all I have a unique situation to share and its hard to explain so I'll do my best. But I'm at a loss as to how to sort it.

I have a son with my husband whose 3 and a baby on the way. My husband has 2 daughters with his ex. The relationship was only 3 years long and they split quite a few times over that period. They got together and moved in once the eldest was on the way and the second was a surprise. They are both 9 and 8 now.

When I met my husband they were 2 and 3. However, we haven't seen them in 2 years. Ex played spiteful games and when we married she cut contact and made life very hard. We have sent mediation letters and paid but all ignored and she never showed up to the dates . The ex changed address and didn't tell us. My husband pays maintenance and has tried to go through court but no letters get responded to and now we cannot afford a lawyer to sort it with a baby on the way and child care costs. I have explained to my son that he has sisters and explained in a way he understands that they live far and thats why he can't see them. He's okay with it and now he's having a sibling that will be with us 100% I feel better about it. Its a heart breaking situation. My husband has been a brill dad to our son but has shut down from his daughters at this stage and just wants to move on. The fight had put him in a deep depression and he said he can't continue for the sake of the kids he does see and can parent . What would you do?. Would you just accept that's the status quo or keep encouraging going through court?

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 19:02

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 18:50

You don’t think the OP may have mentioned that he’s been diagnosed with depression?

I don't think op probably expected to get such a roasting nor have to go into that much detail about her MH issues.

You can bow out having missed the entire point, helpful!

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 06:39

You’ve done a sterling job in the OP’s absence!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/05/2022 07:44

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 06:39

You’ve done a sterling job in the OP’s absence!

Of what? Pointing out the ignorance surrounding MH issues? Good, I'm glad you've perhaps learned something.

Pinkyxx · 04/05/2022 08:46

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 12:34

I don't think court can trace children... Anyhow yes he could get a private investigator, although again that doesn't stop her ignoring court orders or repeatedly moving. I think what people struggle to understand is that court doesn't necessarily solve it and he could be going round in circles until his children are adults and gain prescisely nothing.

Show quote history

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I do agree with you however that court doesn't solve everything, and sometimes it just sets up for a life of utter misery. That said, the court can & will trace a child whose whereabouts are unknown, there's a specific application via a C4 form:

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/locating-a-child

In Op's DP's case he would have issued the mediation letter using last known address, assuming the ex ignored, waited the required time & got sign off for court. The matter would have gone to court and and an application made to identify the child's whereabouts such to progress the Section 8 proceedings. It's never too late and he could still do this now. This is not to say he should. That's up to him. It's just simply not true to say he ''tried everything'' and ''there's nothing he can do because of the ex'' - he didn't and there is. Personally, I'd prefer a life of misery with my child in it than a life without but that's just me.

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 08:51

Oh I have. It’s been an education 😂

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/05/2022 09:58

Pinkyxx · 04/05/2022 08:46

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I do agree with you however that court doesn't solve everything, and sometimes it just sets up for a life of utter misery. That said, the court can & will trace a child whose whereabouts are unknown, there's a specific application via a C4 form:

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/locating-a-child

In Op's DP's case he would have issued the mediation letter using last known address, assuming the ex ignored, waited the required time & got sign off for court. The matter would have gone to court and and an application made to identify the child's whereabouts such to progress the Section 8 proceedings. It's never too late and he could still do this now. This is not to say he should. That's up to him. It's just simply not true to say he ''tried everything'' and ''there's nothing he can do because of the ex'' - he didn't and there is. Personally, I'd prefer a life of misery with my child in it than a life without but that's just me.

Show quote history

I agree in the respect I'd prefer a life of misery with my child in it, just that court isn't a guarantee of that. Yes, if this is possible he should look into it, certainly. I just wouldn't pin my hopes on actually seeing my child again as a consequence of it. Unfortunately it is far too easy to ignore a court order. But for the purposes of saying "I did everything I could" yes, he could do this.

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 10:42

I don’t think I could have a life of misery if my child was in my life

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/05/2022 10:49

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 10:42

I don’t think I could have a life of misery if my child was in my life

That is a ridiculous claim, again incredibly ignorant. Shall we solve the world's mental health issues by ensuring everyone has children and they cannot possibly be miserable. How utterly stupid and narrow minded.

LightningAndRainbows · 04/05/2022 10:50

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 10:42

I don’t think I could have a life of misery if my child was in my life

Good for you. Mental health isn't that simple. Life isn't that simple.

BungleandGeorge · 04/05/2022 12:41

Throwing personal insults about is a sure sign you’re losing the argument 👍

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 12:43

Yup!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/05/2022 12:50

BungleandGeorge · 04/05/2022 12:41

Throwing personal insults about is a sure sign you’re losing the argument 👍

It's not a personal insult, it's a fact. Also it's not an argument Hmm it's my opinion, I am allowed to have one.

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 12:52

So is it your opinion or a fact? 😂

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/05/2022 12:58

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 12:52

So is it your opinion or a fact? 😂

It's a fact that it's a ridiculous claim. My opinion is that you are being incredibly narrow minded and actually somewhat offensive. Hth.

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 13:16

Nothing like the opinion of an utterly anonymous poster to really cut you to the quick!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/05/2022 13:38

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 13:16

Nothing like the opinion of an utterly anonymous poster to really cut you to the quick!

....what?

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 13:47

Pardon

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 13:48

Sorry reflex when my children say “what”!

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 04/05/2022 13:52

AndSoFinally · 01/05/2022 22:03

This doesn't make sense. You apply for mediation, she doesn't show up, you get given the form to go straight to court.

You go to court, she doesn't show up, you get what you've asked for.

I'm not sure where this has gone wrong and why exactly he doesn't have any contact if he's followed all the steps. Are you sure you're getting the full story here?

100% this. Something doesn’t sound right here. If she doesn’t turn up to mediation the mediator signs off the form for applicant so that they can apply to court for a hearing. If she doesn’t engage the process goes on without her regardless.

finalpunt · 04/05/2022 14:01

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/05/2022 21:59

I have a unique situation

Unfortunately for the children this is FAR from unique

*man has children with woman
*man and woman separate
*man wants 50/50 (to minimise CMS)
*man realises how hard parenting is so flakes and becomes an intermittent father
*woman asks for a regular commitment or nothing
*man takes the nothing option
man tells future women his ex is refusing him access

It's not all men, but it's always men.

Tell that to my DSS who has lived with us for years and is now NC with his mother.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/05/2022 14:37

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 13:48

Sorry reflex when my children say “what”!

Oh dear. I think I'll leave it there with you as you're just embarrassing yourself now.

tomatoandherbs · 04/05/2022 14:43

Agree @Ifitdoesntmakesense
The process simply hasn’t happened because it hasn’t been instigated

Pinkyxx · 04/05/2022 15:08

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I cannot say what the outcome might be of applying to court, no one can. Plausibly, after 2 years the children may not want to see him if he's made no attempt to find them or re-instate contact. While the ex's difficult behavior & move are suggested as the only precipitating factors, I struggle to accept this. In Op's case contact was happening for 4 years, and then just stopped, the ex moved and didn't tell him. My ex has no clue where I live and would have no idea if I moved, he would also qualify me as the most difficult ex wife alive.. while I may well be difficult (in his view), where I live doesn't correlate with contact. The kids will have been in school as they would have been age 6 and 7. Assuming OP is in the UK, schools have a statutory duty to inform the Local Authority any time a child is de-registered (or never turns up) precisely to avoid ''missing children''. If a new school placement is not communicated by the parent withdrawing the child, the school are legally obliged to complete Child Missing Education referral. In other words, you can't just drop off the face of the earth with kids in school. What this means is that the Local Authority where the ex was living know where the kids went since no referral appears to have been made.

Op's DP's Contact broke down 2 years ago for some reason which isn't clear (at least to me) and that reason may well explain why Op's DP has made lukewarm at best attempts to re-instate it.

AndSoFinally · 04/05/2022 21:06

Sorry reflex when my children say “what”!

Actually, "what" is completely acceptable as a response. "Pardon" is considered terribly déclassé, darling.

As you were.

tomatoandherbs · 05/05/2022 06:15

AndSoFinally · 04/05/2022 21:06

Sorry reflex when my children say “what”!

Actually, "what" is completely acceptable as a response. "Pardon" is considered terribly déclassé, darling.

As you were.

Pretty much word for word what my DD says to me in response!

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