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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Divide amoung my DS and DSD's

179 replies

Nancylove12 · 01/05/2022 21:26

Hi all I have a unique situation to share and its hard to explain so I'll do my best. But I'm at a loss as to how to sort it.

I have a son with my husband whose 3 and a baby on the way. My husband has 2 daughters with his ex. The relationship was only 3 years long and they split quite a few times over that period. They got together and moved in once the eldest was on the way and the second was a surprise. They are both 9 and 8 now.

When I met my husband they were 2 and 3. However, we haven't seen them in 2 years. Ex played spiteful games and when we married she cut contact and made life very hard. We have sent mediation letters and paid but all ignored and she never showed up to the dates . The ex changed address and didn't tell us. My husband pays maintenance and has tried to go through court but no letters get responded to and now we cannot afford a lawyer to sort it with a baby on the way and child care costs. I have explained to my son that he has sisters and explained in a way he understands that they live far and thats why he can't see them. He's okay with it and now he's having a sibling that will be with us 100% I feel better about it. Its a heart breaking situation. My husband has been a brill dad to our son but has shut down from his daughters at this stage and just wants to move on. The fight had put him in a deep depression and he said he can't continue for the sake of the kids he does see and can parent . What would you do?. Would you just accept that's the status quo or keep encouraging going through court?

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 11:50

And let's face it in this situation, he could spend £££ on court costs and get nowhere. That's the most likely outcome of this. Who does that benefit? His children will likely never know about it, nor believe it, or understand that throwing lots of money at the problem shows "he cares"

Midlifemusings · 02/05/2022 11:52

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 11:46

I think that's unfair, court probably costs considerably more than you realise.

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Like I said, some can walk away, others can't. If my ex disappeared with my kids, I wouldn't just say well I will send a letter and hope for the best but if I don't hear back then I will just move on with the other kids I have.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 11:56

@Midlifemusings I feel the same, but it's alright us saying that, we've never been in the situation. He's hit a dead end. She doesn't want to be found. Yeah, I'd keep trying to find her address but it's near on impossible if she is purposely staying away isnt it?
You've got to think he's had his children taken away, he's tried, tried and tried again, he still doesn't have access, he doesn't even know where they live. He knows the legal route doesn't work ie mediation. You're essentially opening yourself up to more heartbreak and actually whilst I can't imagine being okay with never seeing my child again, I can understand how in a deep depression you might think it was better for everyone involved if you gave up.

You've got to think as well, these children have probably been told all sorts about him. They probably won't want to see him anyway. Where would going to court get him?

Midlifemusings · 02/05/2022 12:03

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

LIke I said in my post. The time to act was when she took off with the kids. He should have gotten a lawyer then. Instread they decided to put what money they did have into growing their family.

No one can control what his ex does but when his kids grow up and wonder why dad was gone and come asking questions, they are going to want to know what did or didn't do to find them or stay in touch.

There was a story not long ago of a dad in China who spent 24 years on a motorbike travelling the country trying to find his missing son. Other parents of kids who disappear spend every penny they have trying to find them.

Every parent has to decide how much they would invest if their kids went missing - but if you are the kid and you come back as an adult and find that they sent a letter than decided better to put their efforts into having new kids instead of putting it towards the ones who went missing, that is going to hurt.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 12:08

Midlifemusings · 02/05/2022 12:03

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

LIke I said in my post. The time to act was when she took off with the kids. He should have gotten a lawyer then. Instread they decided to put what money they did have into growing their family.

No one can control what his ex does but when his kids grow up and wonder why dad was gone and come asking questions, they are going to want to know what did or didn't do to find them or stay in touch.

There was a story not long ago of a dad in China who spent 24 years on a motorbike travelling the country trying to find his missing son. Other parents of kids who disappear spend every penny they have trying to find them.

Every parent has to decide how much they would invest if their kids went missing - but if you are the kid and you come back as an adult and find that they sent a letter than decided better to put their efforts into having new kids instead of putting it towards the ones who went missing, that is going to hurt.

He did act. He applied for mediation which you have to do before you attend court. What part of that is not acting?

The China story is nothing short of ridiculous and most people need to work in order to live and can't up and leave on a bike for 24 years.

I think it's unlikely the kids would ever look for him considering what their mother has done, it's possible, sure. But he has done what he was "supposed to" do. I know what it's like to have an actually shit parent who really doesn't care or make an effort, this isn't that.

SkipHopHoppityHop · 02/05/2022 12:11

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howtomoveforwards · 02/05/2022 12:11

You can't play the "she does everything" card as if that's his fault. She's physically removed her children from him

she is still doing everything for them. It’s not a card to play. It’s just a fact of the situation.

It's being hugely minimised though isn't it, what dad is doing is apparently worse

No one has said dad’s behaviour is worse. But how does mum keeping the children from dad mean that it’s OK for dad to do nothing about that?

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 12:14

Would you just accept that's the status quo or keep encouraging going through court?

aak yourself this op
Would YOU give up if it was your 3 year old child?

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 12:16

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 11:48

I'm sorry but you can't say he's done that because of the nursery fees. That's incredibly ignorant.

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I’m not saying that. The op has said that. She’s said her husband wants to ‘shut off’ from his daughters because he can’t afford to carry on with legal action because of his new kids’ nursery fees/baby on the way. I didn’t just pull it out of thin air, op literally said it as a reason/excuse.

Midlifemusings · 02/05/2022 12:18

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Like I said every parent is different. You would send a letter if your child went missing and be done. To you that is sufficient action. I get that - so to you he has acted - that is all you would do. Maybe his kids would feel the same - maybe they wouldn't.

Others would do more. You can find many, many stories of where a parent has done more than send a letter when their kids were taken or disappeared or went missing. My point wasn't that everyone should ride on a motorbike for 24 years but that there is a wide range of action people could take between sending a letter and devoting their entire life to finding their child.

And many kids go looking for absent parents when they become adults. That isn't uncommon at all, especially since all the DNA test kits came to be and make finding people easier.

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 12:18

The fight had put him in a deep depression and he said he can't continue for the sake of the kids he does see and can parent

how utterly pathetic

SkipHopHoppityHop · 02/05/2022 12:55

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LightningAndRainbows · 02/05/2022 12:56

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 12:18

The fight had put him in a deep depression and he said he can't continue for the sake of the kids he does see and can parent

how utterly pathetic

Wow..you're harsh. Mental health struggles are real.

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 13:04

The op isn’t being pathetic fgs

he is

LightningAndRainbows · 02/05/2022 13:05

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 13:04

The op isn’t being pathetic fgs

he is

I know who you meant fgs

SkipHopHoppityHop · 02/05/2022 13:08

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RewildingAmbridge · 02/05/2022 13:18

No matter how much it costs or what you have to sacrifice you don't give up on your children.
You made them you are responsible for them, regardless of the barriers put in the way by their other parent or circumstances. Yes it's impacting his mental health, how does he think they are affected by not seeing their father and his much worse it will be if he gives up on them. Equally his own mental health won't suddenly get better because he walks away from half of his children.

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 13:22

I regard a parent who say he can’t parent the children he does actually live with because he can’t parent the children that he is not able to see - pathetic.

SkipHopHoppityHop · 02/05/2022 13:26

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tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 13:27

Well then if he cant parent the children he lives with because he can’t parent the children he doesn’t live with

he needs to get urgent mental health treatment

timestheyarechanging · 02/05/2022 13:29

My friend's husband was in this situation . He was divorced with one child when they got together. As soon as they did, his ex refused the normal contact arrangements.
My friend had two teenagers and his child was 9.
He spent 1000s on court cases but she, the mum, just disappeared. It went on for years but she never responded to any letters or turned up in court. He's probably not seen her in 15 years now but not without trying - very sad.

SkipHopHoppityHop · 02/05/2022 13:29

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RewildingAmbridge · 02/05/2022 13:41

@SkipHopHoppityHop yes I have and know how damaging feelings of abandonment are

Buffyismyaltaego · 02/05/2022 14:03

God there are some proper twats on this thread. I don’t even know why there’s a step parenting forum as it always ends in a complete pile on even when posting a very reasonable question or very sad scenario like this one

I have no advice OP but I used to have a friend who did this to her ex. She was cheated on and turned utterly toxic. Moved several times, poisoned the children and even legally changed her surname - knew every legal loophole to ensure her ex never saw his children as she saw it as payback for cheating on her. She was completely vile.

Mums can be toxic cunts, men can be great dads who are removed/alienated from their children by those toxic mums… Its not always that dads can’t be bothered.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 14:07

Midlifemusings · 02/05/2022 12:18

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Like I said every parent is different. You would send a letter if your child went missing and be done. To you that is sufficient action. I get that - so to you he has acted - that is all you would do. Maybe his kids would feel the same - maybe they wouldn't.

Others would do more. You can find many, many stories of where a parent has done more than send a letter when their kids were taken or disappeared or went missing. My point wasn't that everyone should ride on a motorbike for 24 years but that there is a wide range of action people could take between sending a letter and devoting their entire life to finding their child.

And many kids go looking for absent parents when they become adults. That isn't uncommon at all, especially since all the DNA test kits came to be and make finding people easier.

Give us your suggestions of what he could reasonably do next?

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