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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Divide amoung my DS and DSD's

179 replies

Nancylove12 · 01/05/2022 21:26

Hi all I have a unique situation to share and its hard to explain so I'll do my best. But I'm at a loss as to how to sort it.

I have a son with my husband whose 3 and a baby on the way. My husband has 2 daughters with his ex. The relationship was only 3 years long and they split quite a few times over that period. They got together and moved in once the eldest was on the way and the second was a surprise. They are both 9 and 8 now.

When I met my husband they were 2 and 3. However, we haven't seen them in 2 years. Ex played spiteful games and when we married she cut contact and made life very hard. We have sent mediation letters and paid but all ignored and she never showed up to the dates . The ex changed address and didn't tell us. My husband pays maintenance and has tried to go through court but no letters get responded to and now we cannot afford a lawyer to sort it with a baby on the way and child care costs. I have explained to my son that he has sisters and explained in a way he understands that they live far and thats why he can't see them. He's okay with it and now he's having a sibling that will be with us 100% I feel better about it. Its a heart breaking situation. My husband has been a brill dad to our son but has shut down from his daughters at this stage and just wants to move on. The fight had put him in a deep depression and he said he can't continue for the sake of the kids he does see and can parent . What would you do?. Would you just accept that's the status quo or keep encouraging going through court?

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:52

When you say “you’ve seen with your own eyes” a man who is truly blameless and the ex has been unequivocally in the wrong in every scenario, are you referring to your partner?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 12:10

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:52

When you say “you’ve seen with your own eyes” a man who is truly blameless and the ex has been unequivocally in the wrong in every scenario, are you referring to your partner?

Yes, I am. And before you say "you weren't there you don't know that"

I was, and I do. I wasnt there for their split no, but his ex has told me alllllllll about it believe me.

It was fine until I came along, so I got to see all the unpleasantness. Lucky me! I've seen every text, been present for every phonecall, seen every physical altercation etc. Believe me, I know.

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 12:11

Interesting

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 12:13

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 12:11

Interesting

Do you want to elaborate on that or?

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 12:14

when You go to mediation the other party has 28 days to respond, if they don’t then you can go straight to court. Represent yourself if necessary, you don’t need to legal training. He just doesn’t seem to have tried very hard and I find that really difficult to understand as I can’t imagine anything worse than being separated from your children. Why didn’t he act earlier before you had kids and had more money if that’s the barrier? It’s almost like he’s just replaced them. Many people secure court orders with difficult exes, Many people go to extraordinary lengths. The question is has he done enough? At what point is it ok to give up?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 12:15

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 12:14

when You go to mediation the other party has 28 days to respond, if they don’t then you can go straight to court. Represent yourself if necessary, you don’t need to legal training. He just doesn’t seem to have tried very hard and I find that really difficult to understand as I can’t imagine anything worse than being separated from your children. Why didn’t he act earlier before you had kids and had more money if that’s the barrier? It’s almost like he’s just replaced them. Many people secure court orders with difficult exes, Many people go to extraordinary lengths. The question is has he done enough? At what point is it ok to give up?

He doesn't have an address...

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 12:30

@Getyourarseofffthequattro because he’s left if for at least 2 years. OP doesn’t say when they got married and things got difficult but presumably that was for a time period before the no contact and move. And the repeated tries at mediation? but it’s one failure to reply and then it can go straight to court. Doesn’t sound like it was his priority. Someone has also said on the thread that the court can trace children. Or get a private investigator, it’s unlikely they’d be hard to find. If he’d tried some of that I think people would maybe understand a bit more

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 12:34

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 12:30

@Getyourarseofffthequattro because he’s left if for at least 2 years. OP doesn’t say when they got married and things got difficult but presumably that was for a time period before the no contact and move. And the repeated tries at mediation? but it’s one failure to reply and then it can go straight to court. Doesn’t sound like it was his priority. Someone has also said on the thread that the court can trace children. Or get a private investigator, it’s unlikely they’d be hard to find. If he’d tried some of that I think people would maybe understand a bit more

I don't think court can trace children... Anyhow yes he could get a private investigator, although again that doesn't stop her ignoring court orders or repeatedly moving. I think what people struggle to understand is that court doesn't necessarily solve it and he could be going round in circles until his children are adults and gain prescisely nothing.

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 12:57

@Getyourarseofffthequattro but he doesn’t seem to have even attempted to go to court at all. I fully appreciate some people go to great lengths and still don’t have regular access. They spend thousands and at some point can do no more. But he seems to have stopped after the mediation letter which is about £75. I can’t imagine anything worse than not seeing my children so it’s difficult to understand.

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 12:59

Apparently you can use a tracing agent similar to how debt companies get in touch and it’s about £50..

Kanaloa · 03/05/2022 13:01

worriedatthistime · 03/05/2022 09:33

@Kanaloa why would her family give him contact details? She would of likely told them not to and many people don't have family
A colleague partner upped and left with their 2 children , he hasn't seen them for 6 years and has no idea where they are. She had a mum up north but she is no longer at known address
Csa is take every month from his wages but they are not allowed to tell addresses etc and so he can't go to court
He has had to accept and hope that one day something might turn up or they may wish to see him
He hasn't actually had more children but I don't think he would be wrong to do that
It should not be allowed that this can happen and the legal system needs changing
( abuse victims very different)

They might not give contact details but I’m surprised that he knows absolutely nobody who would pass on letters/cards to his children to show he is still thinking of them.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 13:03

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 12:57

@Getyourarseofffthequattro but he doesn’t seem to have even attempted to go to court at all. I fully appreciate some people go to great lengths and still don’t have regular access. They spend thousands and at some point can do no more. But he seems to have stopped after the mediation letter which is about £75. I can’t imagine anything worse than not seeing my children so it’s difficult to understand.

Or course it's difficult to understand, I'm not sure any of us can understand unless we find ourselves in the same position, and let's not forget that a deep depression can change our outlook dramatically

worriedatthistime · 03/05/2022 15:28

@Kanaloa why are you surprised she has moved he believes several hundred miles Way as had a mum in that area , they had no other family and all friends he knew in current area who know nothing either
No social media etc
He has no way of contacting them at all

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 15:50

@Getyourarseofffthequattro yeah I’ve been nice but I’m afraid that whatever the circumstances I would have done much more and there doesn’t appear to be a valid reason why he hasn’t at some point over the years. I think OP saying that ‘he just wants to move on’ says it all really

Kanaloa · 03/05/2022 16:11

worriedatthistime · 03/05/2022 15:28

@Kanaloa why are you surprised she has moved he believes several hundred miles Way as had a mum in that area , they had no other family and all friends he knew in current area who know nothing either
No social media etc
He has no way of contacting them at all

I just find it surprising that he does not know any friends or family of the woman he had two children with that he could contact on social media and request to send letters to his children.

But then I also find it surprising that you could ‘shut yourself’ off to your two little children because you’ve got two new ones anyway. I couldn’t ever shut myself off, even if I couldn’t contact them I’d be saving money up for them, trying to send them letters etc.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 16:14

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 15:50

@Getyourarseofffthequattro yeah I’ve been nice but I’m afraid that whatever the circumstances I would have done much more and there doesn’t appear to be a valid reason why he hasn’t at some point over the years. I think OP saying that ‘he just wants to move on’ says it all really

I'm not sure you can possibly know how you'd act in a deep depression in this scenario considering you've not experienced it.

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 17:01

Presumably he did not immediately go in to a deep depression ? There was substantial time before the when he could have got his arse in gear

howtomoveforwards · 03/05/2022 17:48

I don't think court can trace children

and yet two of us have posted links which would suggest otherwise.

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 18:07

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 16:14

I'm not sure you can possibly know how you'd act in a deep depression in this scenario considering you've not experienced it.

Show quote history

Err, how do you know? Depression is a very common diagnosis and an even more common self diagnosis. As are other mental health disorders. If he’s been an inpatient on section the past 2 years fair enough, but doesn’t sound like the case as he’s got a baby on the way.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 18:23

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 18:07

Err, how do you know? Depression is a very common diagnosis and an even more common self diagnosis. As are other mental health disorders. If he’s been an inpatient on section the past 2 years fair enough, but doesn’t sound like the case as he’s got a baby on the way.

Show quote history

How do I know?

Because you're not in this specific situation therefore you don't know how you'd react. It's a fact.

Let's not judge people on whether they've been sectioned or not, that's hardly fair. You're coming across very ignorant where MH issues are concerned, it's embarrassing.

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 18:28

He’s not been diagnosed by the sounds of it.

The OP describes him “as going in to a deep depression”

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 18:29

Either way
he presumably had fair bit of time before “going in to a deep depression”
when he could have done something. Anythng.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 18:32

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 18:28

He’s not been diagnosed by the sounds of it.

The OP describes him “as going in to a deep depression”

How does that suggest he hasn't been diagnosed? Confused

I agree he should have done something earlier, I don't think anyone necessarily disagrees with that, but there's really no point harping on about that because he didn't, and presumably he doesn't have the ability to go back in time.

Op is asking about now.

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 18:50

You don’t think the OP may have mentioned that he’s been diagnosed with depression?

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 18:50

I agree he should have done something earlier,

ah we are on the same page
so I will bow out