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Original poster

Divide amoung my DS and DSD's

179 replies

Nancylove12 · 01/05/2022 21:26

Hi all I have a unique situation to share and its hard to explain so I'll do my best. But I'm at a loss as to how to sort it.

I have a son with my husband whose 3 and a baby on the way. My husband has 2 daughters with his ex. The relationship was only 3 years long and they split quite a few times over that period. They got together and moved in once the eldest was on the way and the second was a surprise. They are both 9 and 8 now.

When I met my husband they were 2 and 3. However, we haven't seen them in 2 years. Ex played spiteful games and when we married she cut contact and made life very hard. We have sent mediation letters and paid but all ignored and she never showed up to the dates . The ex changed address and didn't tell us. My husband pays maintenance and has tried to go through court but no letters get responded to and now we cannot afford a lawyer to sort it with a baby on the way and child care costs. I have explained to my son that he has sisters and explained in a way he understands that they live far and thats why he can't see them. He's okay with it and now he's having a sibling that will be with us 100% I feel better about it. Its a heart breaking situation. My husband has been a brill dad to our son but has shut down from his daughters at this stage and just wants to move on. The fight had put him in a deep depression and he said he can't continue for the sake of the kids he does see and can parent . What would you do?. Would you just accept that's the status quo or keep encouraging going through court?

OP posts:
WindyKnickers · 03/05/2022 07:07

It's always the same on here. These evil women, ex wives, raising their kids singlehandedly, moving away from the "poor, innocent" dad and "dripping poison" in the children's ears. Forcing him to go through court for no reason other than they are toxic.

I just don't buy it.

Maybe 1% of the time, MAYBE, some man is 100% innocent and the ex partner withholds her children for no other reason than because she's a bitch. But the vast majority of the time there's a completely different explanation or back story that this "poor, misunderstood" dad is either not telling his new wife or she is desperately trying to justify and rationalise because she is also now raising his kids.

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 07:11

@WindyKnickers

exactly

if I had to put money on it, I don’t think these girls will be worse off without this man. A father who gives up on them after a pathetic 2 years.

BungleandGeorge · 03/05/2022 07:14

He doesn’t appear to have tried very hard?

Kanaloa · 03/05/2022 08:15

I’m still interested to know the answer to my questions for what else he has done. Is he saving up in their names/making efforts to reach their family? I find it unbelievable in this day and age that he has no contact details for any extended family where he could have contact with his daughters or at least find out about them/send letters and cards to grandma’s house four them to show he is still thinking of them and trying to get hold of them.

AndAsIfByMagic · 03/05/2022 08:29

So many people having a go at the father when the mother is being utterly vile.

Talk about blame the victim. Laughable if it wasn't so sad.

FreetheKhalo · 03/05/2022 08:44

AndAsIfByMagic · 03/05/2022 08:29

So many people having a go at the father when the mother is being utterly vile.

Talk about blame the victim. Laughable if it wasn't so sad.

This is so correct!

Imagine a man taking his kids and moving house without telling their Mum where they are and not engaging when wanting to make plans. Would she just be trying to avoid paying?

worriedatthistime · 03/05/2022 09:07

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz why should he actually have to go to court though , why is it ok that the woman / mother is denying him access and her children their dad?
If there is no history of abuse etc then the woman is actually wrong here
Using children in battles or to be spiteful is damaging and wrong

worriedatthistime · 03/05/2022 09:33

@Kanaloa why would her family give him contact details? She would of likely told them not to and many people don't have family
A colleague partner upped and left with their 2 children , he hasn't seen them for 6 years and has no idea where they are. She had a mum up north but she is no longer at known address
Csa is take every month from his wages but they are not allowed to tell addresses etc and so he can't go to court
He has had to accept and hope that one day something might turn up or they may wish to see him
He hasn't actually had more children but I don't think he would be wrong to do that
It should not be allowed that this can happen and the legal system needs changing
( abuse victims very different)

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 09:35

A woman moving home with her children and not telling her ex where she is
moving to?

Is quite possibly a woman frightened of her ex

we see it time and time again on mumsnet. Frightened women of their abusive ex partners

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 11:04

WindyKnickers · 03/05/2022 07:07

It's always the same on here. These evil women, ex wives, raising their kids singlehandedly, moving away from the "poor, innocent" dad and "dripping poison" in the children's ears. Forcing him to go through court for no reason other than they are toxic.

I just don't buy it.

Maybe 1% of the time, MAYBE, some man is 100% innocent and the ex partner withholds her children for no other reason than because she's a bitch. But the vast majority of the time there's a completely different explanation or back story that this "poor, misunderstood" dad is either not telling his new wife or she is desperately trying to justify and rationalise because she is also now raising his kids.

I think you'd be very surprised. 1% is probably far too low. There are probably as many awful women as there are men. Women are not born good mothers or wholly kind. They are just as capable of being shit parents and selfish bastards as men are. Yes, most women don't leave their family home or children (let's face it, because that's not the done thing) but many do behave badly post split. It's weird people think 99% of women are the innocent party just because their women. Seriously have you never met a not very nice woman?

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:10

That op was not saying the mother is always perfect

shea saying that there is invariably a back story but of course all we get from the current partner is that the father has bent over backwards for his ex and done absolutely NOTHING wrong ever

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:10

I meant the PP
not the op

ancientgran · 03/05/2022 11:21

Midlifemusings · 02/05/2022 12:03

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

LIke I said in my post. The time to act was when she took off with the kids. He should have gotten a lawyer then. Instread they decided to put what money they did have into growing their family.

No one can control what his ex does but when his kids grow up and wonder why dad was gone and come asking questions, they are going to want to know what did or didn't do to find them or stay in touch.

There was a story not long ago of a dad in China who spent 24 years on a motorbike travelling the country trying to find his missing son. Other parents of kids who disappear spend every penny they have trying to find them.

Every parent has to decide how much they would invest if their kids went missing - but if you are the kid and you come back as an adult and find that they sent a letter than decided better to put their efforts into having new kids instead of putting it towards the ones who went missing, that is going to hurt.

The dad in China was a child abducted by strangers, not the same as the children being with their mother.

I wonder if the kids will grow up and wonder why their mother blocked them seeing their father? They might blame their mother more than him, particularly if she is a controlling bitter woman which is quite possible.

ancientgran · 03/05/2022 11:23

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:10

That op was not saying the mother is always perfect

shea saying that there is invariably a back story but of course all we get from the current partner is that the father has bent over backwards for his ex and done absolutely NOTHING wrong ever

So does that mean that the only person who can see their child is one who has never done anything wrong? Really? So the mother who has blocked the father from seeing the children shouldn't see them as she has done something wrong.

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:25

Huh?

my point is that it is likely that both in the scenario have have wrong doings
but the story we get from the current partner is almost always that the poor man has bent over backwards for his nasty vicious ex and is as pure as the driven snow

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 11:26

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:10

That op was not saying the mother is always perfect

shea saying that there is invariably a back story but of course all we get from the current partner is that the father has bent over backwards for his ex and done absolutely NOTHING wrong ever

She literally said 1% maybe.

It's inaccurate. I'm not saying dad I'd wholly innocent but it's not either that or he must be abusive and mum is justified in removing her children. There is a whole spectrum in-between. Many women are not very nice.

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:28

Would you just accept that's the status quo or keep encouraging going through court?

simple really op
asp yourself. In the same situation… would you give up after 2 years if it was one of your children in the same situation?

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:32

No
re read it

shea saying that maybe in 1% of times it is a case that the man has done NOTHING wrong and the woman has been an unmitigated bitch

i very much doubt this ex has not done her fair share of bad behaviour
but invariably all we get from the current partners is that black versus white scenario whereby the man is pure gold, never doing anything wrong and the ex wife is an unmitigated bitch

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:33

Likewise it’s probably maybe 1% of the time when the man is an unmitigated horror and the ex is an angel without exception

Tothepoint99 · 03/05/2022 11:37

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/05/2022 21:59

I have a unique situation

Unfortunately for the children this is FAR from unique

*man has children with woman
*man and woman separate
*man wants 50/50 (to minimise CMS)
*man realises how hard parenting is so flakes and becomes an intermittent father
*woman asks for a regular commitment or nothing
*man takes the nothing option
man tells future women his ex is refusing him access

It's not all men, but it's always men.

Ridiculous 🙄

So all men who want 50/50 are doing it to minimise CMS?

worriedatthistime · 03/05/2022 11:40

@WindyKnickers yes because 99% of women are perfect
More often than not its prob a bit of both but on occasions it can be one or the other and in the case I know the father is def not the issue

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:41

worriedatthistime · 03/05/2022 11:40

@WindyKnickers yes because 99% of women are perfect
More often than not its prob a bit of both but on occasions it can be one or the other and in the case I know the father is def not the issue

May I ask how you “definitely know”?

worriedatthistime · 03/05/2022 11:46

@tomatoandherbs no you may not as i cannot go into all details
But the mum took them away and has not given an address so he cannot persue anything but he does pay csa etc and always has . He tried but hit a brick wall as genuinely does have no way of knowing where they are.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/05/2022 11:46

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:32

No
re read it

shea saying that maybe in 1% of times it is a case that the man has done NOTHING wrong and the woman has been an unmitigated bitch

i very much doubt this ex has not done her fair share of bad behaviour
but invariably all we get from the current partners is that black versus white scenario whereby the man is pure gold, never doing anything wrong and the ex wife is an unmitigated bitch

Well I don't think op has said that, but tbh I do think women can be horrible for the pettiest of reasons, what is it they say about a woman scorned?

I've seen it with my own two eyes. Maybe dp is one of these rare unicorn men who did nothing wrong, but his ex is a total bitch and she has fucked up her child and shows no remorse. There are many similar stories.

Women can be and often are horrible for no good reason.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if it was completely unjustified.

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 11:50

Well I don't think op has said that,

the op has posted multiple times
Not once even remotely hinted that her partner has done anything wrong. Not even the tiniest whiff.

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