Page 4 | Divide amoung my DS and DSD's

Nancylove12 · 2022-05-01T20:26:11+00:00

Hi all I have a unique situation to share and its hard to explain so I'll do my best. But I'm at a loss as to how to sort it. I have a son with my husband whose 3 and a baby on the way. My husband has 2 daughters with his ex. The relationship was only 3 years long and they split quite a few times over that period. They got together and moved in once the eldest was on the way and the second was a surprise. They are both 9 and 8 now. When I met my husband they were 2 and 3. However, we haven't seen them in 2 years. Ex played spiteful games and when we married she cut contact and made life very hard. We have sent mediation letters and paid but all ignored and she never showed up to the dates . The ex changed address and didn't tell us. My husband pays maintenance and has tried to go through court but no letters get responded to and now we cannot afford a lawyer to sort it with a baby on the way and child care costs. I have explained to my son that he has sisters and explained in a way he understands that they live far and thats why he can't see them. He's okay with it and now he's having a sibling that will be with us 100% I feel better about it. Its a heart breaking situation. My husband has been a brill dad to our son but has shut down from his daughters at this stage and just wants to move on. The fight had put him in a deep depression and he said he can't continue for the sake of the kids he does see and can parent . What would you do?. Would you just accept that's the status quo or keep encouraging going through court?

Original poster

Nancylove12 · 02/05/2022 14:30

We had one year and a half of fighting now ex had changed address and not told us where. We heard this through a friend of a friend. Before that , there was contact and we had our first baby ( who is loved and world is better place for them being in it) and we were seeing the girls. Albeit sporadically towards the end and games being played on the ex"s part. Absolute shame on those saying my kids shouldn't be in the world. Would u say this to single mums or mums who have no intention of involving the dad that they should not of had kids !!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Nancylove12 · 02/05/2022 14:33

Midlifemusings · 02/05/2022 12:03

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

LIke I said in my post. The time to act was when she took off with the kids. He should have gotten a lawyer then. Instread they decided to put what money they did have into growing their family.

No one can control what his ex does but when his kids grow up and wonder why dad was gone and come asking questions, they are going to want to know what did or didn't do to find them or stay in touch.

There was a story not long ago of a dad in China who spent 24 years on a motorbike travelling the country trying to find his missing son. Other parents of kids who disappear spend every penny they have trying to find them.

Every parent has to decide how much they would invest if their kids went missing - but if you are the kid and you come back as an adult and find that they sent a letter than decided better to put their efforts into having new kids instead of putting it towards the ones who went missing, that is going to hurt.

We grew our family when we still had contact with the girls??!!??

Our second was a lovely surprise.

OP posts:

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 15:05

What’s he like as a husband. Putting aside his children issues and fact he’s saying he can’t parent any of his children, what is he like as a partner?

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 15:06

And is he managing to hold down employment?

SkipHopHoppityHop · 02/05/2022 15:15

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tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 15:16

Good heavens
you are quite a cheer leader for the DH @SkipHopHoppityHop 😂

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 15:17

I feel sorry for the OP
and the children
My sympathy for the dh is… limited

robocracker · 02/05/2022 15:17

I have been in the exact same situation. DSD is now approaching 22. We haven't seen her since she was 9. We were having indirect contact but it dried up when she was a teenager. We'd already had several court dates etc.

We follow her on SM it's not her private pages, more of a professional one.

I'll be honest it's been shit. My eldest was 2 when we stopped seeing her and my middle just a baby. My youngest has never met her.

It felt like the right thing at the time, her mother was clearly depressed but also extremely hostile. DSD told made up stories to CAHMS. DSD was appointed a childrens solicitor who was actually great but at the end of the day no one could force her to see us. I think she was trying to protect her mum as she believed her when she said all her problems were our fault. Poor girl.

The problem now is that she's a woman. She's grown up only hearing her mothers stories. We'd love to contact her but not sure about how and if (as I suspect) she doesn't want to know then how will we deal with it all over again.

DH went from being her main carer to a pt dad to never seeing her.

I've never written about it on mumsnet before because people often say "what kind of man won't fight to see his kids..."

Until you've lived it you don't know. Genuinely horrific and I still love that girl. She was never mine but god I loved her. People who say it's not your fight don't get it. She's part of my husband, she is part of my life.

Having said that you need to find ways to let it go a bit or you'll be miserable. I still think about her everyday. I wish she had a relationship with our girls, her sisters.

SandyY2K · 02/05/2022 15:18

i think pp don’t think he should have had more children without seeing the ones he already has. They think he should have put his entire life on hold, and that of his new partner,

I personally wouldn't have the headspace, or be in any state of mind to even have a relationship, let alone more kids, if I wasn't seeing my existing children.

My aim, would be to get that sorted out, before embarking on a new relationship. I honestly don't know how I'd be able to focus on a new relationship, with such a big void of not having my existing kids as part of my life, apart from child support

I guess...it's a lot easier for some people to let it go and start a new family.

SkipHopHoppityHop · 02/05/2022 15:40

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tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 16:18

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I feel desperately sorry for the op

you think the dh has been unfairly treated?

we don’t know the detail but clearly some serious shit has gone down between him and his ex. And I very much doubt the DH is as pure as the driven above

his reaction to the situation - to say he doesn’t want to even parent he children he LIVES with, this leaving the op fucked… well, you root away for him

Buffyismyaltaego · 02/05/2022 16:26

Where does it say he can’t parent the kids he lives with??

The Op says he needs to let it go for the sake of the children he CAN parent and lives with?

Unless I’ve missed a post… which I may have.

howtomoveforwards · 02/05/2022 16:31

Give us your suggestions of what he could reasonably do next?
a) Keep an eye on social media - that of his ex if it isn't locked down, that of anyone he knows she knows who is careless with their social media settings (lots of people are very careless when it comes to social media). Keep an eye out for his daughters having their own accounts. At the very least, he may get an idea of the town she is in and if very lucky, the school the children are at.

b) discuss his children's abduction (because that is what it is) with a solicitor - find one who will do an initial meeting free of charge and get the lie of the land in terms of how difficult it may or may not be to find someone who doesn't want to be found (but not before checking social media) and what the courts could do to help. A ball park figure on the cost plus a look at relevant websites as to what work he could do himself to keep the cost down (eg. wikivorce.com).
c) report the children missing to the Police. Who knows what support they may be able to give? Things are shifting and changing all the time when it comes to the Law. at the very least they should be able to do a welfare check by involving other agencies to find the children (e.g. schools, DWP etc.)
d) Discuss the matter with Social Services who may also have valuable advice on how to go about dealing with the issue and again, may at least be able to reassure that the children are well even if legally, their hands are tied and they can't tell dad where they are.

For me, that is doing everything he can if he can't actually get to court. All of that can be evidenced by phone logs, emails, voice mails, texts etc. should the children turn up one day demanding answers. He can show he did something. That is better than doing nothing which he is currently proposing.

tomatoandherbs · 02/05/2022 16:36

I am so sorry
Misconstrued the op

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 17:03

howtomoveforwards · 02/05/2022 16:31

Give us your suggestions of what he could reasonably do next?
a) Keep an eye on social media - that of his ex if it isn't locked down, that of anyone he knows she knows who is careless with their social media settings (lots of people are very careless when it comes to social media). Keep an eye out for his daughters having their own accounts. At the very least, he may get an idea of the town she is in and if very lucky, the school the children are at.

b) discuss his children's abduction (because that is what it is) with a solicitor - find one who will do an initial meeting free of charge and get the lie of the land in terms of how difficult it may or may not be to find someone who doesn't want to be found (but not before checking social media) and what the courts could do to help. A ball park figure on the cost plus a look at relevant websites as to what work he could do himself to keep the cost down (eg. wikivorce.com).
c) report the children missing to the Police. Who knows what support they may be able to give? Things are shifting and changing all the time when it comes to the Law. at the very least they should be able to do a welfare check by involving other agencies to find the children (e.g. schools, DWP etc.)
d) Discuss the matter with Social Services who may also have valuable advice on how to go about dealing with the issue and again, may at least be able to reassure that the children are well even if legally, their hands are tied and they can't tell dad where they are.

For me, that is doing everything he can if he can't actually get to court. All of that can be evidenced by phone logs, emails, voice mails, texts etc. should the children turn up one day demanding answers. He can show he did something. That is better than doing nothing which he is currently proposing.

It's hilarious that you think either social services or police would give a shiny shit. They won't. Not even slightly.

A solicitor can't do anything without an address.

Yes you could look on social media (perhaps he is) but I can't imagine it would be very easy to get an actual address from that.

RewildingAmbridge · 02/05/2022 19:11

@SkipHopHoppityHop no I was an objective third party known to both parents of the child, the mother was as difficult as possible and that was absolutely wrong she used the child as a weapon and that caused untold damage, the father walking away and giving up broke that child's heart

howtomoveforwards · 02/05/2022 20:09

I got this with my first try on Google:

simon-walland-family-law.co.uk/i-dont-know-where-my-ex-is-with-my-children/

Has the OP’s partner tried this?

Euridicefortuna · 02/05/2022 20:55

There was a story very similar on here a few years ago.The op was pregnant and her husband had moved around 2-4 hours drive from his girls . He agreed to not see his daughters for three months to accommodate the op who didn't want to do the long drive or be left alone with the baby after giving birth. He was also willing to give up on his eldest children for his new family because; he didn't really want the girls or see the relationship that produced the girls as valid (really short relationship, a few years) and he didn't have a strong connection to his daughters,is this you? It just sounds awfully similar even the ages of the girls.

Pinkyxx · 02/05/2022 21:31

@Nancylove12 This article on the court's powers to locate a child may be helpful for your DH if he wants to take further steps. There is also a child law advice helpline which is free & staffed by lawyers which your DH Could call if he wanted to get advice: childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/locating-a-child/

I do agree with others on this thread that court is not a golden bullet. Even a detailed prescriptive order can be frustrated by someone intent on using a child as a weapon. That is not to say that he should not try. At worst, an application may allow him to find his children and re-establish contact with them even if only in writing / over the phone. I can't fathom a parent deliberately obstructing a relationship myself unless the contact was causing the child damage. It may be knowing he cares enough to keep trying to find could be just what they need. At best, the court may succeed in re-establishing contact.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through x

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/05/2022 23:54

You can self represent for next to nothing. The rest is just excuses.

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 06:38

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/05/2022 23:54

You can self represent for next to nothing. The rest is just excuses.

This

but won’t go down well with some on this thread!

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 06:43

Can you honestly imagine just “shutting down” and giving up on your children after a Beasley 2 years.

A certain type of parent could. Sure. And the OP is married to him.

2 years? 22 years. I’d never stop pursuing it. And self representation is absolutely viable. If there’s no precious of abuse or neglect on the part of this man, and he really is as pure as the driven snow as the op has described and paid maintenance throughout etc - the courts will be very supportive of him.

but what do you reckon the likelihood of him doing this versus giving up and stopping maintenance? 😂

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 06:43

Measley 2 years I meant to say!!

Oblomov22 · 03/05/2022 06:46

I agree with for forwards. There is tonnes of things your Dh could do. He's chosen to do nothing.

tomatoandherbs · 03/05/2022 06:54

Euridicefortuna · 02/05/2022 20:55

There was a story very similar on here a few years ago.The op was pregnant and her husband had moved around 2-4 hours drive from his girls . He agreed to not see his daughters for three months to accommodate the op who didn't want to do the long drive or be left alone with the baby after giving birth. He was also willing to give up on his eldest children for his new family because; he didn't really want the girls or see the relationship that produced the girls as valid (really short relationship, a few years) and he didn't have a strong connection to his daughters,is this you? It just sounds awfully similar even the ages of the girls.

Even if it’s not this

i think very reasonable to presume that there is another side to the story

ot would’ve so refreshing just for once to see an op say something like… on the other hand, I do see that my DP has often reneged on maintenance when pissed off with his ex / my DP frequently changed plans with his ex at the last moment and left the children disappointed or similar

but nope. The partner is always Florence nightingale