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Original poster

Divide amoung my DS and DSD's

179 replies

Nancylove12 · 01/05/2022 21:26

Hi all I have a unique situation to share and its hard to explain so I'll do my best. But I'm at a loss as to how to sort it.

I have a son with my husband whose 3 and a baby on the way. My husband has 2 daughters with his ex. The relationship was only 3 years long and they split quite a few times over that period. They got together and moved in once the eldest was on the way and the second was a surprise. They are both 9 and 8 now.

When I met my husband they were 2 and 3. However, we haven't seen them in 2 years. Ex played spiteful games and when we married she cut contact and made life very hard. We have sent mediation letters and paid but all ignored and she never showed up to the dates . The ex changed address and didn't tell us. My husband pays maintenance and has tried to go through court but no letters get responded to and now we cannot afford a lawyer to sort it with a baby on the way and child care costs. I have explained to my son that he has sisters and explained in a way he understands that they live far and thats why he can't see them. He's okay with it and now he's having a sibling that will be with us 100% I feel better about it. Its a heart breaking situation. My husband has been a brill dad to our son but has shut down from his daughters at this stage and just wants to move on. The fight had put him in a deep depression and he said he can't continue for the sake of the kids he does see and can parent . What would you do?. Would you just accept that's the status quo or keep encouraging going through court?

OP posts:
ancientgran · 02/05/2022 10:35

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/05/2022 23:43

My DH debated walking away…he had no money and the system just seemed set against him

Ah. I see. You have skin in the game.

Do you apportion any blame on the mother who is preventing the children from having a relationship with their father?

howtomoveforwards · 02/05/2022 10:35

He managed to get a mediation letter to her so he does have an address?

There is a line, of course, I am just not sure this man will be able to look his adult children in the eye and say I really tried. He can only say ‘I tried a bit then the fact I had had another family meant I couldn’t try any harder’. They may understand. They may not.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 10:41

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/05/2022 21:59

I have a unique situation

Unfortunately for the children this is FAR from unique

*man has children with woman
*man and woman separate
*man wants 50/50 (to minimise CMS)
*man realises how hard parenting is so flakes and becomes an intermittent father
*woman asks for a regular commitment or nothing
*man takes the nothing option
man tells future women his ex is refusing him access

It's not all men, but it's always men.

I think it's really unfair to post that here, and frankly unhelpful.

It's not always men either. Some women are arseholes too you know.

NewandNotImproved · 02/05/2022 10:46

This is not the first time I have seen the phrase ‘move on’ about a man giving up on kids he made. Brutal.

Will he be able to look his kids in the eye and honestly say he did everything possible, everything in the courts power, to parent them?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 10:47

NewandNotImproved · 02/05/2022 10:46

This is not the first time I have seen the phrase ‘move on’ about a man giving up on kids he made. Brutal.

Will he be able to look his kids in the eye and honestly say he did everything possible, everything in the courts power, to parent them?

Well he has, if he doesn't have a current address what more do you suggest he can do?

SkipHopHoppityHop · 02/05/2022 10:50

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Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 10:51

Yes I wonder how their mother will be able to look them in the eye and tell them she did her very best for them Hmm somehow nobody ever mentions that on MN.

NewandNotImproved · 02/05/2022 10:51

I’m sure he can figure that out. Surely he has spent years figuring out how to parent his kids, and exhausted every legal channel possible.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 10:53

NewandNotImproved · 02/05/2022 10:51

I’m sure he can figure that out. Surely he has spent years figuring out how to parent his kids, and exhausted every legal channel possible.

Go on, explain to us how you find an address of someone who doesn't want to be found, legally?

And even if you manage that, how you ensure they turn up to court?

And if they do, how do you actually ensure the obey the court order and don't for instance, just not be available for contact or move house again?

If it's so easy to figure out, maybe you should share your wisdom because I'm sure it would be helpful for op?

NewandNotImproved · 02/05/2022 10:55

Not my job to, it’s the job for people who chose to have kids to figure out. Surely this man has already done that, and exhausted every Avenue.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 10:57

NewandNotImproved · 02/05/2022 10:55

Not my job to, it’s the job for people who chose to have kids to figure out. Surely this man has already done that, and exhausted every Avenue.

Ah yes, because you haven't a fucking clue presumably.

Done what, tracked her down legally found her address and taken her to court even though you, yourself, don't have a clue about how someone might possibly achieve that?

Right. Well thanks for your input if anything all it's done is highlighted how incredibly ignorant you are about the process.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/05/2022 11:02

ancientgran · 02/05/2022 10:35

Do you apportion any blame on the mother who is preventing the children from having a relationship with their father?

Show quote history

Yes. But she isn't here asking for advice.

SkipHopHoppityHop · 02/05/2022 11:27

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

LightningAndRainbows · 02/05/2022 11:28

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I know it's not like court magically makes everything OK.

howtomoveforwards · 02/05/2022 11:30

Yes I wonder how their mother will be able to look them in the eye and tell them she did her very best for them somehow nobody ever mentions that on MN

sure. But this thread wasn’t about mum and her actions, is it? Whether you like it or not, mum is the one doing everything for them right now. Assuming she’s making an OK job of it, dad’s inaction is going to matter more. Even if she’s making a hash of it, dad’s inaction is going to matter more still because he didn’t care enough to check they were OK. OP can wait for the teenage years and contact via social media and it may go well. But why wait?

what efforts has he made to track down mum, OP?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 11:33

howtomoveforwards · 02/05/2022 11:30

Yes I wonder how their mother will be able to look them in the eye and tell them she did her very best for them somehow nobody ever mentions that on MN

sure. But this thread wasn’t about mum and her actions, is it? Whether you like it or not, mum is the one doing everything for them right now. Assuming she’s making an OK job of it, dad’s inaction is going to matter more. Even if she’s making a hash of it, dad’s inaction is going to matter more still because he didn’t care enough to check they were OK. OP can wait for the teenage years and contact via social media and it may go well. But why wait?

what efforts has he made to track down mum, OP?

You can't play the "she does everything" card as if that's his fault. She's physically removed her children from him.

Dad's inaction (if you can even call it that) does not matter more than physically taking your child away from the parent and frankly it's disgusting that you're minimising her actions. Why are you doing that?

It isn't not caring.

FairyCakeWings · 02/05/2022 11:33

Of course he should keep trying thought court! He shouldn’t have had more children before this was sorted, and if he can’t afford court, he definitely couldn’t afford more children.

Court might not solve all the problems and it might not make the ex comply, but that’s not even the point. His older children deserve to know that their father has done everything he can to be able to see them, they deserve to feel that they are worth fighting for. Instead, your partner is telling his children that they don’t matter because he can have more and get himself a lovely family life that way. Whatever way you want to look at it and however much he can pretend to be a good dad when it’s all made easy for him, he’s a shit father.

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 11:36

I couldn’t imagine just ‘moving on’ from my old children since I have two lovely new children now. I mean I get why you’re happy with it but he’s their father.

He has no contact details for any member of her family that could help facilitate contact? He has absolutely no way of funding further legal action? Is he doing anything else - perhaps setting up savings accounts for them and saving for them each month, attempting to contact other family members to gain access?

I mean if he’s done as much as he wants to then I guess that’s that. I personally couldn’t just move on.

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 11:39

I have explained to my son that he has sisters and explained in a way he understands that they live far and thats why he can't see them. He's okay with it and now he's having a sibling that will be with us 100% I feel better about it.

I don’t really get what this is about though. Your husband has had no contact with his two children for 2 years (because he can’t afford it because you have a baby on the way although you haven’t had a baby on the way for two years) and you feel better because your child will have a sibling that’s with him 100%? What’s the relevance there?Having a new baby isn’t going to erase the fact that his father has ‘shut off’ from his two elder children because he has childcare costs and a new baby on the way.

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 11:40

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 10:51

Yes I wonder how their mother will be able to look them in the eye and tell them she did her very best for them Hmm somehow nobody ever mentions that on MN.

I’m sure if the thread was ‘I have decided to spitefully keep my kids from seeing their dad hahaha’ it would be touched on. But there’s no point telling op that the mother is in the wrong because she’s not married to the mother, she’s married to the father.

Midlifemusings · 02/05/2022 11:45

You can't afford a lawyer because you / he decided to have more kids instead of putting money towards getting access to the ones he already had. You could only afford your kids at the expense of the girls.

There had to be some kind of agreement in place if he was an involved parent for 4 hours before they just up and disappeared two years ago. That was the time to go to court and get lawyers and maintain contact. Now that two years have passed with no contact, it is going to be much harder to convince a judge to do much.

Some people can just walk away from their kids, others can't. He needs to decide that for himself and you support him in his decision.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 11:45

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 11:40

I’m sure if the thread was ‘I have decided to spitefully keep my kids from seeing their dad hahaha’ it would be touched on. But there’s no point telling op that the mother is in the wrong because she’s not married to the mother, she’s married to the father.

Show quote history

It's being hugely minimised though isn't it, what dad is doing is apparently worse. I don't agree somehow.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 11:46

Midlifemusings · 02/05/2022 11:45

You can't afford a lawyer because you / he decided to have more kids instead of putting money towards getting access to the ones he already had. You could only afford your kids at the expense of the girls.

There had to be some kind of agreement in place if he was an involved parent for 4 hours before they just up and disappeared two years ago. That was the time to go to court and get lawyers and maintain contact. Now that two years have passed with no contact, it is going to be much harder to convince a judge to do much.

Some people can just walk away from their kids, others can't. He needs to decide that for himself and you support him in his decision.

I think that's unfair, court probably costs considerably more than you realise.

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 11:47

But there’s no point saying the mother is wrong. Obviously in this case she is but it’s not relevant/helpful to the op - she’s married to the father, who has ‘shut himself off’ from his two children because his new kids’ nursery fees are expensive.

If she was married to the mother it would be a whole different response of course.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/05/2022 11:48

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 11:47

But there’s no point saying the mother is wrong. Obviously in this case she is but it’s not relevant/helpful to the op - she’s married to the father, who has ‘shut himself off’ from his two children because his new kids’ nursery fees are expensive.

If she was married to the mother it would be a whole different response of course.

I'm sorry but you can't say he's done that because of the nursery fees. That's incredibly ignorant.