Divide amoung my DS and DSD's

[Nancylove12]

Hi all I have a unique situation to share and its hard to explain so I'll do my best. But I'm at a loss as to how to sort it.

I have a son with my husband whose 3 and a baby on the way. My husband has 2 daughters with his ex. The relationship was only 3 years long and they split quite a few times over that period. They got together and moved in once the eldest was on the way and the second was a surprise. They are both 9 and 8 now.

When I met my husband they were 2 and 3. However, we haven't seen them in 2 years. Ex played spiteful games and when we married she cut contact and made life very hard. We have sent mediation letters and paid but all ignored and she never showed up to the dates . The ex changed address and didn't tell us. My husband pays maintenance and has tried to go through court but no letters get responded to and now we cannot afford a lawyer to sort it with a baby on the way and child care costs. I have explained to my son that he has sisters and explained in a way he understands that they live far and thats why he can't see them. He's okay with it and now he's having a sibling that will be with us 100% I feel better about it. Its a heart breaking situation. My husband has been a brill dad to our son but has shut down from his daughters at this stage and just wants to move on. The fight had put him in a deep depression and he said he can't continue for the sake of the kids he does see and can parent . What would you do?. Would you just accept that's the status quo or keep encouraging going through court?

It's not your fight. Your role is to support your husband in his decision.

Concentrate on your own family, leave the girls to him.

You can’t do anything. It must be extremely hard but they’re not your children. Focus on your own family and leave decisions to him.

Do you think if your husband took your DC you could ever shut down to them and give up?
if not, I don’t know how you can accept him doing it to his other dc
if so, then fair enough let it go.

However, we haven't seen them in 2 years. Ex played spiteful games and when we married she cut contact and made life very hard. We have sent mediation letters and paid but all ignored and she never showed up to the dates . The ex changed address and didn't tell us. My husband pays maintenance and has tried to go through court but no letters get responded to and now we cannot afford a lawyer to sort it with a baby on the way and child care costs

How can you try and justify him giving up on his dc? He purposefully created two more children, costing the money he could have spent fighting for his existing children.

I have a unique situation

Unfortunately for the children this is FAR from unique

*man has children with woman
*man and woman separate
*man wants 50/50 (to minimise CMS)
*man realises how hard parenting is so flakes and becomes an intermittent father
*woman asks for a regular commitment or nothing
*man takes the nothing option
man tells future women his ex is refusing him access

It's not all men, but it's always men.

This doesn't make sense. You apply for mediation, she doesn't show up, you get given the form to go straight to court.

You go to court, she doesn't show up, you get what you've asked for.

I'm not sure where this has gone wrong and why exactly he doesn't have any contact if he's followed all the steps. Are you sure you're getting the full story here?

He doesn’t need a lawyer to go to court, he can represent himself. But it’s not up to you, it’s up to him.

I have a unique situation to share and its hard to explain so I'll do my best
It is really, really not.

There is a lot of assumptions there.

and it isn’t always men, at the school I teach in we have a significant amount of students that live with their Dads and don’t see their Mums.

I'm making comments based on the info the OP has given. Her partner has two children he doesn't see. He has then gone on to have two more children, and now, due to the cost of raising these new children, he cannot afford to pay to go to court to get visitation with his 2 elder children.

My second comment is just explaining how the situation is far from unique. Please see the copious amounts of MN threads on thus topic for proof.

My DH debated walking away…he had no money and the system just seemed set against him

Ah. I see. You have skin in the game.

What's he supposed to do though? Starve the children he does see for the sake of the ones his ex won't let him see?

And there's always people who will have a go at the DH in this situation but there never seems to be the dame anger directed at the ex who is making it difficult.

We chose to have two more kids as we could afford it. Even without them we would struggle and no you do not automatically get what you want if the ex doesn't turn up. There are checks and balances as they have to give her a chance to reply and state her case which takes months and court dates rescheduling.

I honestly don't think She even looks at the letters. Even if the court granted us access she will not abide by it and its the court process again.

I'm hoping he can get in contact with the elder and start communication that way.

Ignore the stupidity of bitter people who say you shouldn't have had children.

Sheer spite and utterly ridiculous.

If the mother doesn't want the children to see their father, as long as they aren't neglected, well fed, well clothed, educated, no court is going to remove them and send them to dads.
Unfortunately on here, the 'dads would get contact if they actually bothered ' is spouted but in RL, mothers who are in awe of authority adhere to orders. They can choose to ignore with impunity by the the time courts do get stern the kids are old enough to make their own decisions but the childhood years are gone. You can't get that time back.
Spoiler alert, not all mothers do what's best for kids, some are driven by wanting to punish the ex.

i think pp don’t think he should have had more children without seeing the ones he already has. They think he should have put his entire life on hold, and that of his new partner, while he fights with his ex for the next 10 years. Potentially not getting anywhere in terms on contact

it’s fine to go on and have more children. I am not sure it’s fine to have not taken the lack of contact with existing children as far as it could possibly go (court, enforcement:at least once) and then decide you can’t do that precisely because there are other children to consider. That’s more problematic and isn’t acting in the children’s best interests who, in situations like this, really need to understand that dad did everything he could. He didn’t, not by a long shot. He’s just moved on without really trying. Mum is absolutely to blame here but she’s done all this unchallenged. Simply put, he’s living up to all the negative crap she will undoubtedly be feeding them: mainly he cares for them so little he’s buggered off and started a new family. There’s absolutely nothing at all to prove to these girls he did care and he did try, is there?