Cheeky request from ex or reasonable?

[HmmmNo1]

My husband has DC with his ex and we have 1 together. She also has another child with another ex (SS is 9, this other child is 5 and our son together is 2).

My husband and his ex are both working on Monday (the BH) but I'm not so I've agreed to help and look after SS on that day (would usually be mum's day but not bothered).

Last night she messaged DH asking if I'd be able to look after her other child too (the child that's not even my step child!).

This child is 5, I don't really know them that well only met a handful of times, they've never been to our house for any significant amount of time and certainly never looked after them before.

I know she's struggling trying to find someone but AIBU to say no? I have my own DC and my step child to look after on Monday never mind adding a random kid in I barely know?!

For info, I believe her dad is next to useless and not really involved.

You are allowed to say no.
People will tell you all sorts of nasty things in doing so.
But then, they are not looking after 3 kids alone.

As long as she’s not kicking off/demanding I don’t think that either of you is wrong tbh.

She can ask, what’s the worst that could happen? You say no.

But tbh is there any particular reason why you don’t want to look after this child? If it would be a massive inconvenience to you then I do get that, but if you’re looking after the older one anyway would it be that much of an issue to look after his sibling?

I guess it depends on the relationship between you all.

It’s on the cheeky side but she is clearly desperate and doesn’t have anyone to look after the child.
Realistically you are blended family, over the years you will come across the child at parties, gatherings etc. the child is your SS sibling, and even your DC might end up having a relationship with them.

I would probably say yes as a one off because they are five it's not like it's nappy changes and bottle feeds shove a tablet at them leave them too it

i’d also agree to do it

Also childcare is near impossible on a bank holiday

If you don’t want to, you can absolutely say no, OP. Child has two parents; what would their solution be if you weren’t in the picture? She needs to rope in the useless dad, not bind on everyone else.

I think it's part of a long running issue for me. She is rubbish at pre planning anything and I have suspected for a while relies on my flexibility a lot to solve her issues. I feel like I am ALWAYS having to step in in regards to SS last minute because she's not arranged anything or waited until the last minute to tell us she needs the help. Things like school holidays are an utter nightmare for it!

Her mum helps a lot with the younger one usually but she's getting on and I think this is slowly decreasing so I can picture this being a common theme from now on.

It would very much depend on how the relationship is between you, your dh and his ex. If it's a good relationship with lots of give and take, and YOU don't mind looking after an additional 5 year old, then see it as helping another Mum out. If the relationship is strained or you feel she takes the piss over things, then say no. If you simply don't want another child to look after, say no.

She probably leaves it to the last minute to make it harder for you to say no. If it will
open the floodgates and you don’t want to, say no, OP. You don’t have to give a reason.

If you don't want to do it, just say no. It's not as though the bank holiday is a surprise so I suspect she has left it until the last minute, expecting that you'll feel obliged.

This is difficult OP. On one hand I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to and given that she sounds quite unorganised I’d be tempted to also want to teach her a lesson. Furthermore, it opens the door for her to expect this in the future and that can obviously become quite a difficult one to dodge seeing as you’ve agreed before.
If possible, I’d make a feasible excuse - could you get last minute tickets to do something and have only bought two child tickets? Have you made plans to see a friend perhaps and can’t quite juggle having three due to lack of seats in car or something like that. I would try to avoid giving too much detail (and I don’t think you should have to at all, but it’s nice to keep things amicable).

On the other hand, if she’s desperate for childcare and you ever want a favour in return…. Plus the fact that it’s nice to be amicable and come across as the better person to the children as well.

I completely understand your decision either way. (Can you tell I’m a Libra). 😂

I'm changing my response after reading your last post. I'd say no, you're opening the floodgates and you'll end up looking after her 5yr old everytime she needs help with her other dc. Just no

I was going to ask what your relationship with her was like in general... your follow up post makes it clear that it is not a mutually beneficial one.. so I would be saying no.

I get she is struggling, but with her children having different dads she can’t just use her older child’s SM as a solution for her younger child. This is what potentially happens when you go on to have more children.

Her younger child is just the equivalent to your child. She has no obligation towards your child and you/your dh have no obligation towards her youngest. It’s just the way it is. I don’t see why she is more deserving of childcare from you for her child who you have nothing to do with just because of who she is.

We actually do get on okay usually which is why I'm struggling. But no it's certainly not a mutually beneficial relationship in that sense. She's flexible if needs be with SS but obviously we are too. But I've never asked (and never would!) to have our 2 year old!

Given it's a floodgates scenario I would just say no citing the fact that it'll be too much hard work with three. I'd also talk to your DP about scaling back how much childcare you do for DSS as it's starting to become too much. Does he have parents that could help out?

Personally I would, I think when it comes to stepchildren it can be easy to feel like you don't really fit anywhere and having your siblings included in things makes a big difference to feeling at home.
Having said that you have every right to decide where you draw your boundaries.

I can see your side but this child isn’t a random child it’s your ss sister. I’d help out of the ex was a nice person.

If you say yes she will expect it again and again.

Draw the line now.

I think it's a bit cheeky of her to ask and from your update, I'd be worried the 5 year old would be stuck on you more and more. A 2 yo, 5 yo and 9 yo for a day (when you don't really know the 5 yo and they don't really know the 2 yo) sounds really hard work! I cannot imagine ever asking my ex to have my younger child (not his) along with his DS let alone asking his DP - they'd think i'd gone mad !

The people saying they would do it-have you PMd OP with your address, so the kid can be dropped at your house? 😄

I work with someone who can't organise her way out of a fucking paper bag, it drives me insane!! everyone else is asked for favours because stuff needs to be done at the last minute, because she just does not think!!

so I get your frustration!

however, I wouldn't mind having the 5yo, the 9 yo can help amuse them & the 5yo can also play with the 2 yo. A walk to the park, some kids Tv, picnic lunch. Job done.

but you're fine to say 'no' if you want to!!!

I would say yes because, one day they will all be grown.
My step sons other sister still thinks of me as family.
It's lovely.

I don’t think it’s cheeky to ask. It’s also not cheeky to say no. I’d definitely expect the favour to be returned at some point