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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Cheeky request from ex or reasonable?

122 replies

HmmmNo1 · 29/04/2022 11:14

My husband has DC with his ex and we have 1 together. She also has another child with another ex (SS is 9, this other child is 5 and our son together is 2).

My husband and his ex are both working on Monday (the BH) but I'm not so I've agreed to help and look after SS on that day (would usually be mum's day but not bothered).

Last night she messaged DH asking if I'd be able to look after her other child too (the child that's not even my step child!).

This child is 5, I don't really know them that well only met a handful of times, they've never been to our house for any significant amount of time and certainly never looked after them before.

I know she's struggling trying to find someone but AIBU to say no? I have my own DC and my step child to look after on Monday never mind adding a random kid in I barely know?!

For info, I believe her dad is next to useless and not really involved.

OP posts:
SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 14:36

Justcallmebebes · 29/04/2022 14:10

I would definitely do it without a second thought. They're siblings and you're essentially isolating one of the 3. Not fair. I understand your frustration with their mother, but don't take it out on the kids. It may back fire on you

The other child is actually no relation to the OP’s child at all.

wantmorenow · 29/04/2022 14:39

I would without a thought. Life's tough enough for parents especially those who work. I have always found a few kids easier to entertain than one or two. I'm of the "it takes a village" train of thought rather than not my problem so why should I. Kids thrive where they are wanted and accepted. And yes to me they would be near enough family as to not even need a second thought. They live in the same as house as SS, they are their family which means by association they are valued and cherished by everyone who loves and cherishes SS.

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 14:42

It’s not isolating anyone if the SC’s SM doesn’t take their half sibling anywhere. Unless their father supposed to have EOW contact with a child their mother had with a partner after he’d split up with her.

I have no non-paid for childcare options. I have never spent a night away from DS3. And still, I wouldn’t feel obliged to offer childcare to my husband’s ex

I’d never want her to have any contact with my children though. So there’s no way I’d ever consider asking her to look after DS3. That might influence things. But, equally, I’d never ask my ex to provide childcare for DS3.

SunshineCake1 · 29/04/2022 14:43

Idontgiveashitanymore · 29/04/2022 13:41

I’d say no. If you do it once she will ask again.

She can say no the second time.

I would do it then if the children don't all have a nice time and get benefits from being together I would reconsider when she asked again.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2022 14:46

OP is probably one of those people who has lots of childcare option, if she's certain she'll never need this, but in any case, it doesn't need to be a childcare favour.

It wouldn't cross my mind in a million years to ask my DPs ex to look after my DD. I simply do not have the sort of connection to her where she would be any higher on my list of potential childcare options than a random stranger on the street.

lickenchugget · 29/04/2022 14:49

I would do it then if the children don't all have a nice time and get benefits from being together I would reconsider when she asked again.

It’s whether the OP wants to do it, not just whether or not all the children had a lovely time.

QuirkyTurtle · 29/04/2022 14:58

Oofff this is such a hard one. I think in this case there IS harm in asking because it's so hard to say no to something like this. Just look at the judgemental comments OP is already getting from random people online.

I would probably say yes because I'm too nice to say no and I get on well with my stepson's mother. But I would not be particularly happy about it.

OP, if you agree, I hope BM knows how much of a favour it is you're doing her and not normal 'because they're all part of the same blended family' like some people apparently seem to think.

Original poster
HmmmNo1 · 29/04/2022 15:01

Life's tough enough for parents especially those who work

Can I just add please that I also work!! I can be flexible-ish as I can work from home a lot and have BHs off but I do work too.

OP posts:
iRun2eatCake · 29/04/2022 15:13

Think I'd say no... and feel really guilty.... because of her past history.

In regards school holidays, XH and l organise at the beginning of each year who is responsible for which holiday weeks.

We do have a good co-parenting partnership and thing's do get swapped about .... but... when we first split my XH was similar to this Ex and wouldn't be organised. He expected me to be the default childcare but thanks to Mumsnet l knew this would likely happen so l stood firm and refused

LumpyandBumps · 29/04/2022 15:18

I would say no.
You are already doing her a great favour by looking after your DSC on a day that she should have been responsible for this.
You are more fortunate than the parents in that you don’t have to work the Bank Holiday, but having a 9yo will change the dynamic of any plans you might have had just with your 2yo. Having 3 children instead of your own one toddler is different again.
If you say yes to this CF request now it will be so much harder to say no in future. The child in question is only 5. Are you prepared to be default childcare for the next 7 years or so?
You might be willing to step up in a true emergency, such as the mother needing an urgent hospital stay, but there are lots of Bank Holidays every year.
There isn’t even a ‘you knew what you were getting into’ argument here. You couldn’t have known this situation would present itself.

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 29/04/2022 15:29

StorminNorma · 29/04/2022 13:31

It sounds like she's being disorganised about the child she shares with op's husband as well though so that needs sorting.

Plus yes if she's having issues with the 5yo to the extent that she's asking OP to step in, then op's husband needs to have a discussion about that with her too. Not to set up an expectation, but to ensure that a disabled 5yo child has adequate provision, given that it's been brought to his attention that this might not be the case.

Where the fuck has this disability come from, unless you were diagnosed with reading difficulties at 5 and you're referring to yourself.

Stripyhoglets1 · 29/04/2022 15:32

I would say no as you might find it starts to be expected more in the school holidays etc. And its hard to roll back from. Particularly as her mum is getting older so requests will become more frequent.

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 15:33

Even if the child is disabled, it’s not up to a man who is not that child’s father to make sure it’s provided for adequately. Presumably the child has two parents. And the mother is a capable enough parent.

having a child with someone does not make them responsible for the rest of your life and the effects of your choices after you split up with them.

Greensleeves · 29/04/2022 15:37

I'd do it, an extra child for one day is no big deal. Great way to nurture good family relationships and cooperation, which will ultimately be good for all the children.

Puppymania · 29/04/2022 15:54

I would it, I did once on NYE. There may not be a direct relationship but the children are linked by common parents and households. They will be grown one day, you might have family events where you will be together. There is no hardship the children getting to know each other and if all the adults can get along it is better for the children. I would clearly state it is not for every BH, but a bit of give and take will help over the years. You are under no obligation to do it, but I would.

bjjgirl · 29/04/2022 16:00

No just no

If you say yes this time you will be asked again and again

It is your day off and you don't have to have my one apart from your child, you are doing a favour by having the step child.

She should be thanking you not taking the piss

I say this as a single mum of 2 with a fab relationship with their dad

Mellowyellow222 · 29/04/2022 16:00

does you husband have 50-50 custody?

if so I can see why you would be annoyed. But if she is doing the majority of the care than I think your husband should be prepared to step in and help at short notice. He is a parent afterall.

but they should be relying on you to step in at short notice. You aren’t this boys parent

VioletHills · 29/04/2022 16:03

I would also say no.

lickenchugget · 29/04/2022 16:07

Mellowyellow222 · 29/04/2022 16:00

does you husband have 50-50 custody?

if so I can see why you would be annoyed. But if she is doing the majority of the care than I think your husband should be prepared to step in and help at short notice. He is a parent afterall.

but they should be relying on you to step in at short notice. You aren’t this boys parent

The husband (or the OP) shouldn’t be asked to step in for his ex’s child with someone else. She needs to chase up the deadbeat dad, not push it on to more reasonable people as the easier option

Cakecakecheese · 29/04/2022 16:07

Mellowyellow222 · 29/04/2022 16:00

does you husband have 50-50 custody?

if so I can see why you would be annoyed. But if she is doing the majority of the care than I think your husband should be prepared to step in and help at short notice. He is a parent afterall.

but they should be relying on you to step in at short notice. You aren’t this boys parent

But the child in question isn't the husband's child so why should he step in?

OP If you were to do it you would do so on the proviso that this is a one off and that she needs to try to sort out her organisation issues but if you don't want to do it then don't, you have no obligation to help?

Cakecakecheese · 29/04/2022 16:08

I'm not sure why I put a question mark at the end of that 😂

familyissues12345 · 29/04/2022 16:35

For me...

I'd do it as a one off, but I like other peoples children as I work with them Grin. If I thought it wasn't going to be a one off, or she isn't being genuine in her desperation (she hasn't tried other solutions first) then I'd probably say no. Always happy to help, but not be a mug...

Only you know what she's like though, and if she'd take the piddle. Totally up to you though, say no if you aren't comfortable!

Original poster
HmmmNo1 · 29/04/2022 16:36

We have SS 50:50. But even if not, I'm not sure why that means my husband would need to step in to help with her other child?

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 29/04/2022 16:54

HmmmNo1 · 29/04/2022 16:36

We have SS 50:50. But even if not, I'm not sure why that means my husband would need to step in to help with her other child?

Sorry that was my poor communication.

I was referring g to your more general complaint about her needing help at the last minute and relying on your husband a lot.

of course if you don’t want to look after her other child you do t have to. You do t even have to take your step child - that is your husbands role not yours

ilovemyboys3 · 29/04/2022 17:27

I would say no. The first time you agree to this will not be the last and it will become expected. I wouldn't be having SS either but that's just me

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