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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Cheeky request from ex or reasonable?

122 replies

HmmmNo1 · 29/04/2022 11:14

My husband has DC with his ex and we have 1 together. She also has another child with another ex (SS is 9, this other child is 5 and our son together is 2).

My husband and his ex are both working on Monday (the BH) but I'm not so I've agreed to help and look after SS on that day (would usually be mum's day but not bothered).

Last night she messaged DH asking if I'd be able to look after her other child too (the child that's not even my step child!).

This child is 5, I don't really know them that well only met a handful of times, they've never been to our house for any significant amount of time and certainly never looked after them before.

I know she's struggling trying to find someone but AIBU to say no? I have my own DC and my step child to look after on Monday never mind adding a random kid in I barely know?!

For info, I believe her dad is next to useless and not really involved.

OP posts:
ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 17:35

Justcallmebebes · 29/04/2022 14:10

I would definitely do it without a second thought. They're siblings and you're essentially isolating one of the 3. Not fair. I understand your frustration with their mother, but don't take it out on the kids. It may back fire on you

They aren't all siblings though.

OP I don't think she was cheeky to ask if it was done the right way , but you are absolutely in no way obliged to say yes.and I wouldn't.

ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 17:37

wantmorenow · 29/04/2022 14:39

I would without a thought. Life's tough enough for parents especially those who work. I have always found a few kids easier to entertain than one or two. I'm of the "it takes a village" train of thought rather than not my problem so why should I. Kids thrive where they are wanted and accepted. And yes to me they would be near enough family as to not even need a second thought. They live in the same as house as SS, they are their family which means by association they are valued and cherished by everyone who loves and cherishes SS.

Are you assuming OP doesn't work? Wtaf.

Not OP's kid, not even her husbands kid, this kid is absolutely nothing to her.

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 17:40

Mellowyellow222 · 29/04/2022 16:00

does you husband have 50-50 custody?

if so I can see why you would be annoyed. But if she is doing the majority of the care than I think your husband should be prepared to step in and help at short notice. He is a parent afterall.

but they should be relying on you to step in at short notice. You aren’t this boys parent

Did you read the OP?

The ex is wanting her to look after her SC’s half sibling. This child is not related to the OP by marriage or in any meaningful way. The child is not related to her husband. It’s the ex’s child from another relationship.

The contact pattern for the SC is entirely irrelevant.

Mellowyellow222 · 29/04/2022 17:43

@SoggyPaper as I said up thread I was replying to the subsequent complaint about the child’s mother always needing help last minute.

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 17:43

ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 17:37

Are you assuming OP doesn't work? Wtaf.

Not OP's kid, not even her husbands kid, this kid is absolutely nothing to her.

Show quote history

Tbh, I mentally write off any post that employs sentimental bullshit like ‘cherished’ anyway.

The logic presumably means that the OP is obliged to love and cherish her husband’s ex’s partners too. After all they live with her SS so they are her family and by association they must be valued and cherished.

Mellowyellow222 · 29/04/2022 17:44

@SoggyPaper its a bank holiday weekend!! Have a glass of wine and unclench

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 17:47

Mellowyellow222 · 29/04/2022 17:43

@SoggyPaper as I said up thread I was replying to the subsequent complaint about the child’s mother always needing help last minute.

I’m still not convinced.

my ex and I don’t do 50-50 (because that’s not in DS’s best interests). I have him more often. But that doesn’t mean my ex is obliged to have to step in and mop up the results of my poor planning or general disorganisation. We can be flexible when necessary but that’s because neither of us takes the piss.

Posts on MN that imply anything less than 50-50 is feckless fathering are generally unhelpful.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2022 17:48

HmmmNo1 · 29/04/2022 11:29

I think it's part of a long running issue for me. She is rubbish at pre planning anything and I have suspected for a while relies on my flexibility a lot to solve her issues. I feel like I am ALWAYS having to step in in regards to SS last minute because she's not arranged anything or waited until the last minute to tell us she needs the help. Things like school holidays are an utter nightmare for it!

Her mum helps a lot with the younger one usually but she's getting on and I think this is slowly decreasing so I can picture this being a common theme from now on.

On this basis I'd say no, and mean it. You are not her employee. You need her to NOT see you as her safety net, and if that means she has to go splat! a couple of times before she understands that, so be it.

ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 17:54

The logic presumably means that the OP is obliged to love and cherish her husband’s ex’s partners too. After all they live with her SS so they are her family and by association they must be valued and cherished. this is true. And any lodger or exchange student they may take in.

ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 18:01

I agree with @WhereYouLeftIt Start saying no more.

FinallyHere · 29/04/2022 18:05

feel like I am ALWAYS having to step in in regards to SS last minute because she's not arranged anything or waited until the last minute to tell us she needs the help

I'm sorry you are going though this.

However, I encourage you to consider why the ex never seems to plan ahead and make arrangements. It seems as if this approach is working out v pretty well for her. For you, not so much.

If you want anything to change, you would need to do something different. I'd suggest just saying no. You might as well do it this time round as it doesn't seem as if you will have any more notice next time.

I wouldn't really blame her for acting this way. My (now retired) sister would be very capable of, and delighted to, "take in one more" so would most probably agree. She loves it and has the skills and willingness to make a success of it. The children would probably have a great time too, and clamour to return.

Me, not so much. Come to think of it, no one ever asks me for this kind of favour. I can help friends and family in other ways .

Which of us would you like to emulate ? If it's my sister, you are letting yourself in for being asked over and over again. Perhaps when your DC are older it may be possible for her to return the favour. Would you ever want to use that option?

If it's me, you will already have said "sorry, no can do. "

miltonj · 29/04/2022 18:19

I don't think she's wrong to ask. She's clearly desperate and trusts you,

I don't think you'd be in the wrong to say no though either. Only do what you're comfortable with. It might be nice for your step child to spend time with both his siblings at the same time though.

AskingforaBaskin · 29/04/2022 18:22

Absolutly not. But then I make it a point of not doing a lot of favours, especially for those who create their own problems

Blendiful · 29/04/2022 18:29

As an absolute emergency that's different. But if it's likely to be on-going and potentially happen again no.

If she's likely to be awkward about anything then no.

I don't think I would do it and I'm generally pretty helpful for people but I just think this situation has potentially to spiral so I'd put boundaries down early. You don't want to end up doing it all the time.

funinthesun19 · 29/04/2022 18:55

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 29/04/2022 12:36

I can see your side but this child isn’t a random child it’s your ss sister. I’d help out of the ex was a nice person.

And does this same logic work with the ex and op’s child then? They’re siblings after all….

funinthesun19 · 29/04/2022 19:03

They're siblings and you're essentially isolating one of the 3. Not fair. I understand your frustration with their mother, but don't take it out on the kids. It may back fire on you

This is such a weird way to view these children. They’re not a 3. They’re a 2 in one household and a 2 in the other.

If the op should have the ex’s child without question for the “greater good”, then surely the ex wife needs to start chipping in with childcare for the op and her husband. Only fair.
Oh wait…..

Coffeepot72 · 29/04/2022 19:16

I’m still struggling to work out how all the children referred to in this thread are ‘siblings’?

ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 19:23

Even a half sibling relationship doesn't mean OP is under any obligation to look after DSC so no idea why DSC's half sibling is being seen as DC's family? They aren't related in anyway other than if you were to draw a really detailed family tree.

Lostmyway86 · 29/04/2022 19:26

I'm a SM and this is so frigging cheeky, I'm actually shocked at people who say they'd do it!! Absolutely not. You're going above and beyond looking after SS on mum's day, let alone her other child. Just no no no no no. Absolutely not.

TwinklyBranch · 29/04/2022 19:30

It's looking after a 5 year old for one day. It's a perfectly reasonable request and you'd have to be really mean to refuse.

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 19:31

Coffeepot72 · 29/04/2022 19:16

I’m still struggling to work out how all the children referred to in this thread are ‘siblings’?

It’s purely rhetorical. Siblings has clear emotive value as a concept.

Except they aren’t siblings. It’s 3 children. There is one child who lives between two households. And that child has two unrelated half siblings, one in each household.

ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 19:31

TwinklyBranch · 29/04/2022 19:30

It's looking after a 5 year old for one day. It's a perfectly reasonable request and you'd have to be really mean to refuse.

Are you for real? This 5 year old is NOTHING to do with her. It's a really tenuous link. Would you look after any random non related 5 year old? On your day off work?

ChocBloc · 29/04/2022 19:32

Also I would be annoyed that your husband even approached you with this tbh rather than just messaged back. No.

SoggyPaper · 29/04/2022 19:33

TwinklyBranch · 29/04/2022 19:30

It's looking after a 5 year old for one day. It's a perfectly reasonable request and you'd have to be really mean to refuse.

maybe you could volunteer your childcare services instead then.

it would be mean not to.

LetitiaLeghorn · 29/04/2022 19:34

If you get on OK, I don't think she's cheeky to ask. Especially if she's tried everywhere else. Equally, you are completely entitled to say no. If you say yes once, you might find that she thinks it's OK to ask regularly.
But I don't get the shock, horror and expletives her asking has engendered.

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